Do you really think they could stand us?

January 27, 2005 at 11:04 pm (Funny Shit)

I was talking to Moe on IM about my future mom-in-law and the subject of nursing homes came up. The IM conversation was a hoot, and resembles other discussions I've had with folks over the years–basically the consensus is that all of us born after 1960 are really going to be a pain in the ass to deal with in a home. Personally I think my generation and the ones following will be very interesting to care for in long-term residential care settings.

I was a Nursing Assistant in a very nice nursing home for eight years–long enough to totally wreck my back and learn that I really should have gone back to school while I was able to walk across campus without aid of pain medication. I do have to say that the folks I find myself thinking about or talking about when the subject of what I used to do for people comes up were the ones that most of my colleagues would have said were "just plain awful" to work with.

Gee, I thought they were the most fun, like the lady who had a taxi come once a week to bring her some great hot beef sandwiches from a bar in Eau Claire. To me, it showed the doubters that changing one's address to a nursing home did not automatically spell death, not even of the spirit. I could tell stories all day of little teeny tiny escape artists. The funniest one was a lady who was put to bed with siderails up and wearing just a hospital gown…who showed up at the nurse's station fifteen minutes later, dressed for clubbing and asking me to call her a taxi. Sure, her lipstick would have sent Bozo running for the makeup remover and old ladies really shouldn't wear sparkly blue eyeshadow, but she managed to escape from full body restraint (tied under the bed where I wouldn't be able to get at it today), dress, do her hair (consisting of ratting it higher than this pic of me has mine), put her teeth in and toddle down to the desk, WITH A BROKEN DAMN HIP!

I looked at her medication record a couple days later–dang, the street value on her bedtime meds would have been about $200 a SHOT! If I took that much shit at night, I could walk on a busted hip too! But oh my Gods, she was so cute all I could do that night was laugh, grab the nearest wheelchair and tell her that the band didn't show up that night so the owner took the night off and the club was closed.

And, as usual, I digressed…

Moe and I were pretty mild in our plot to overthrow the nursing home our rotten kids would hypothetically commit us to. By the way Moe, I think I can probably take an old dorm fridge and install the parts that make it cold in one of those room oxygen collectors so we can hide the keg from that old nosy nurse we're sure to have.

Oh–and instead of Val Kilmer, can I hide someone younger and hotter?

Who?

Hold on, I'm trying to remember his name, you know who I mean, that dark-haired fella, the insanely hot one…ohhhh, crap, why can't I remember his name?

I do NOT have Alzheimer's–my bowel movements are juuuuust FINE!

~looking at those last couple paragraphs~ Oh, shit.

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