That high-pitched whine

March 21, 2005 at 12:21 am (Pop Culture on Parade, Rant Goodness)

I couldn't believe it. My jaw dropped while Honey let loose with a worse stream of invective than usual. All told, it was the worst 10 seconds of my life. I've seen a lot of awful, tragic, Satan-worshipping, Paris Hilton Naked revolting, Vince Neil fucking anybody nasty, hairball-smelling, dog-humping, LN and the Nun disgusting things in my life, but tonight I saw something that took the cake.

"Sweet Home Alabama" performed c-rap style. Yep–the one song I used to watch perfectly sane teenaged guys call a radio station repeatedly to promise their 2 year old sister's virginity if only they would spin the vinyl just once. The track that died first on all three of my Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes. My CD's, as many of you know, walked off with the last roommate I will ever tolerate. has begun to mitigate that loss, but I may never be able to listen to one of my all-time favorite songs ever again without picturing those sacrilegious ass-monkeys waving their arms and yelling, "Whoahhhh". Besides, there's something interfering with my hearing…you all know what it is.

This affront to humanity was apparently recorded by the hippy-hoppy duo B.A.M.A in 2004. That's when it started.

To us classic rock fans, Lynyrd Skynyrd is just not something one fucks with, in any way shape or form. Doing so has led to lawsuits, bad American Idol performances, the eruption of Mount Saint Helen's and global warming, not to mention…you know. "Sweet Home Alabama" ROCKS, people! It gives you happy feet. It inspires even the scuzziest looking biker guy to boogie! It does not rap, and it sure as shit neither hips nor hops. Who could keep a beat anyhow, with that damned noise going on?

Huh? Oh, for the love of Southern-Fried Rock, you all know what I mean! Just listen…shut the hell UP and LISTEN. You'll hear it.

There you go–you can hear it now? That high-pitched whine?

Folks, that's Ronnie Van Zant, spinning in his grave.


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