StuckInBedDVD: Blade Trinity

May 30, 2005 at 8:42 pm (Uncategorized)

Looks like I’ve got a new blog feature idea cooking–let’s see if it works. I’m often, due to issues (READ: massive fucking PAIN) with my back, stuck in bed for several more hours than it takes to get a good night’s sleep. This gets boring, and right now I only have the DVD player hooked up to the bedroom TV, so it’s SIBDVD.

Yesterday’s boredom-soother was Blade Trinity, a movie I’d wanted to see simply because I really liked the other two installments in the series. I’d heard all the whining, pissing and moaning about how NOT a critical success this sequel is. No shit, you donkeyraping shiteating critics, and the fan base for the movie just doesn’t give a rat-raping fuck! Were either Blade or Blade II critically acclaimed? HELL, no! Do I give a shit? Why, no; why do you ask? Seriously, I don’t watch these because it’s a particularly rich plot–I watch them to watch Wesley Snipes and other skilled individuals initiate, respond to, and perpetuate large amounts of Beating of Ass (hereafter known as BoA).

Blade Trinity delivers on the BoA in colossal volume and inimitable style. Loads of new sharp pointy things, ass-blasting firearms, and yet another serum delivery system for Blade’s blood replacement. Kris Kristofferson is finally, definitively, and irrefutably dead. I really liked the character of Whistler, but the Snarky Twins are a great replacement. While Jessica Biel is gorgeous and excellently bitchy, she’s a bit stiff in the BoA scenes. Ryan Reynolds delivers nearly all the best lines (as well as the best kicks), and here are two of my favorites, both from the same scene:

Hannibal King: …you horse-humping bitch! But it will be in a few seconds from now. See, that tickle that you’re feeling in the back of your throat right now… that’s atomized colloidal silver, it’s being pumped through the building’s air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt!

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Ryan.

Blood, Guts and Gore: Lots of icky-looking infected vampires, some great hack and slash (Dominic Purcell looks good but isn’t worth the money it cost to make his shiny contact lenses until the sword-fighting scene near the end), but not a shitload of blood. There’s a couple nifty-looking blood sprays though, if you roll like that. I’d love a good pic of the Pom–and I can’t find one. Nice puppy.
Plot: Not half bad–much better than I expected.
Doze-off factor: I didn’t. I stayed nicely awake during the whole flick. This is a good thing.
Collection? Yeah, I want my own copy–the one I watched last night was Garand’s. Fortunately I’m getting one from one of those “Fill out the online survey and be rewarded” joints.
BoA: Pretty damned great BoA for the most part. WWE’s Triple H makes a particularly bad showing in the fight scenes, the movie’s one disappointment.

Overall: Worth the time, do spring for the popcorn.


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