Ask Your Psychic Fiend Friday: The Beginning

June 24, 2005 at 8:18 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

As you begin your journey with Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be careful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else.
2. All answers are for entertainment only.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those sorry donkey-raping shiteaters who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, sorry-bitch asshats like Miss Cleo and her like should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Evil Science Chick, who’s recently taken up dovekeeping, asks:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Will W ever admit that he lied about the reasons for going to war with Iraq?

Looking into my crystal ball once I wiped all the bentonite clay off (so it’s been awhile since Psychic Fiend has been asked anything actually needed scrying, your point?), I see a very old, teary-eyed man with the intellect of a shrubbery telling his grandson, “Plausible Deniability–that’s where it’s at, boy! You wouldn’t tell your wife about that hooker you and I turned into a human bong, now would ya? No! So ya don’t tell The People the truth about stuff either. See?”

Answer: Not fucking likely, hon. When this man writes his autobiography he’ll come up with yet another, altruistic-seeming spin for the whole debacle.

VegasGustan over at Home But Far From It and The Song Repository queries Psychic Fiend about family matters:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

My brother is messed up, will him leaving his wife and child (from a previous marriage) and moving to Las Vegas for a fresh start be a good thing or should he stay where he is ?

I had to pull out the tarot cards for this, my audiophile friend; it’s a complicated question involving a journey, I feel, so a little depth was necessary to truly see his place in the Universe.

The Wheel of Fortune placed prominently in the spread, VG, as I totally expected it to. Keep in mind the Wheel has little to do with actually gambling, but more to do with a long period of flux in your brother’s life. The Empress (his wife) will influence him more profoundly than he guesses, as her position is adversarial here. For some strange reason, the usual illustration on the Ace of Rods features a man polishing his rod most intently…but I digress–it could be that Your Psychic Fiend hasn’t had enough outrageously delicious Kona coffee yet this day. The rest of the spread indicates much will depend on his choices within the first 3 days of his arrival in your area.

Answer: His soon-to-be ex is still going to drive him batshit if he gambles, wenches, and boozes his way thru Sin City, so he should brace himself for the inevitable. When he does come to your area (the signs point to him making at least a short visit), don’t let him play the ponies or Pai Gow, keep him away from the hookers and make certain he’s aware that there’s no sex in the champagne room. Urge him to discover a true life with you and not to focus on how Vegas is a fantastic place for a newly-single guy to have one hell of a party.

Jamie at Margaritaville aka Whiskey Sour Town (damned great blog, by the bye) writes:

Will my kids grow up and be normal, or will they end up in jail, or shot by a madman, or what-have-you.

Jamie, I’m going to have to pull out the rune stones for this one. Bear with me please…

Toss…tumbleclickclicktumbleraatttllllleeeeee. Hm.
Toss…tumbleclickclicktumbleraatttllllleeeeee. All right…one more time…
Toss…tumbleclickclicktumbleraatttllllleeeeee. YAHTZEEEEEEE!

Ah, yes, I see now…although it’s most murky as any Psychic Fiend’s vision is pre-caffeination. However, I do not understand something. What in blue Hell is Bam Margera doing in my vision? His butt’s not nice enough for him to be hanging it out of those chaps.

Answer: When it comes to kids who’ve been raised by you, any madman is at the disadvantage. However, you may want to earmark a little of that college fund for bail use–you’ve got one wild thing who will (fortunately) quickly realize that Better Living Through Modern Chemistry is a thing of the past. Your kids will learn some lessons the hard way but will pull thru because they will look to their Mom, who will back them up no matter what.

The most delightful Ian over at Welcome To My Soul has a question also:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

I had 3 diff´rent choices to go on a date with who am I supposed to accept first?

Mr.A- handsome 29 Argentinean guy, who sent me flowers twice and chat every night by msn…

Mr.B- handsome 30 Colombian guy who calls me on the phone every night and says he’s IN LOVE with my voice

Mr.C- lovely 22 years old baby faced cutiepie who has been writing me loooooooooooong emails detailing how handsome I am…..

What should I do?

Ian, darling, the tea leaves tell me that a hunk like you has so many options that it’s difficult to see the span. However, it’s jasmine tea in there, so the fragrance of the delicate floral is calling to my Psychic Fiendishness. There’s a couple clogs along the way, and I see far more than three panting and eager guys–that strip of leaves there (no, no, look there) is a start line tape and the lineup to date you stretches all around the cup.

Answer: This show’s not stopping at only three monkeys, my friend–the list of males wanting to chase your wheelchair around Argentina is still forming and those men will be elbowing each other out of the way to get time with you. Have the nice man who cared enough to send flowers take you for coffee VERY soon! Then find time for the other two, for they’re each worthy in their own way. Do not be afraid to cast aside the less-worthy demands on your attention, for they’re beneath your notice and not worth your time.

MoeThat’sMe over at Moe’s Moments of Wisdom asks:

Dear PF,

Why is it my Blogger icon doesn’t show up in the halo scan comments?

What can I do about it (besides pay for halo scan).



Answer: Your Psychic Fiend doesn’t need Scooby Doo to solve this mystery.

Gravatar is the nice place that lets us put those nifty pics with our HaloScan comments. Simply pick out your image, size it to 80X80 pixels, and sign up for a free account at Gravatar. Upload your image to the nice people’s server and make sure you comment with the same email that you register at Gravatar with, and HaloScan (another bunch of nice folks, and the $12/yr is well worth the nifty tricks guys like Se7en at Blogs Gone Wild can do to your bloggie comments afterward) will automatically load your avatar in when it displays your comment.

SJ over at Give Me The Booger has a good one loaded in the chute for Your Psychic Fiend:

Dear PF,

If I can’t take a joke, who’s gonna fuck me?

I’m studying the Zen of catnip tops fluttering in the Michigan morning wind for the answer to your question. They waft, waving their little fuzzy leaves at the cats of the neighborhood who covet them. There is only one cat which will truly enjoy the leaves—I can’t afford to feed the rest. One moment while I bring the catnip inside for Desi the Destroyer…

OK, I’m back.

Answer: The Zen tells me many would delight in sexual congress with your enticing form, whether you have a sense of humor or not. However, the true answer is this: If you have no sense of humor, you’re fucked to start with, are you not?

Grend31, of The Lair, has a great question to test Psychic Fiend’s mettle:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Would you be available to help secure up Blog Jesus to his “place of honor” when we finally figure how to drive these confounded Lee Press-On nails through his palms? We expect a lot of wriggling about and howling so another to secure a limb would be just smashing.

We tend to have tea and biscuits after these types of soirees so we’ll need to know if you are coming. Smiggins may even make his world renowned crumpets just for the occasion!

Anywhos, cheers and lah-dee-dah

Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Grend31, jump-starter of giggles and snark, I’m randomly processing your question thru the augury of a CAD-CAM program so I can find the best, most efficient, unique solution. While much will be cut and dried in your answer, your skill at BoA will figure prominently in successful execution of your party plans for Blog Jeebus. I’m also studying the boingboings of Happy Fun Ball in order to ascertain the path you should take.

Answer: Be sure you use the Glamour Length Press-On Nails, and if they’re blue (BJ’s favorite color) He’ll be much more likely to hold still. You will also require the services of a temptress—while BJ is reported to be celibate, I see that if a hotty of requisite age and hair color (pneumatic physique and hellaciously large tits won’t hurt either) offers Him oral sex on the condition that He keep His hands to Himself, He’ll happily position himself for you. From there it’s a matter of having a nice big sledgehammer, borrowing one of your Tank buds from CoH, and setting Him up for His festivities.

As for the RSVP, plan for Psychic Fiend +1. We both like tea and biscuits—be sure to have fresh lemon and lumps of sugar. Who is Smiggins and why are the crumpets such hot shit?

Thank you all so very much for consulting Psychic Fiend—no need to cross my palm with silver. Your comments will be my reward.


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