July 5, 2005 at 10:22 pm (Pop Culture on Parade)

I’m puzzled. As I watch commercials these days, all I see are people only identifiable as female by the fact that their upper bodies are covered even in swimwear. As I watch more closely, I notice that these people are so thin that while they’re putatively female, it’s awfully hard to tell unless they’ve enhanced their secondary sexual characteristics.

I first noticed this during those Old Navy commercials–emaciated girls trying to sell me swimsuits does about as much good as J-Lo cutting PSA’s for PETA. I’m amused and grossed out at the same time, because each and every time I notice something.

These anorexic bitches are snoochless.

I tried very hard to find you an example from the Old Navy ads, but even on the pervo fan sites there were no screen captures of the little Skeleton Brigade members. But recently I’ve seen the same phenomenon on ads for the Venus razors. Here’s an example:

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See what I mean? Yup–flat in front, and straight across between the thighs. No camel toe, so to speak. Just that flat space her swimsuit’s stretched across. Just the skimpy coverup meant to entice, until one notices that being enticed will do no good, due to the lack of snootch. That’s what they’re trying to sell without anyone noticing after all, the fact that these things are reportedly anatomically correct and available for fantasy purposes. But anyone with eyeballs can see that’s not possible–there’s absolutely NO sign of snootches anywhere in that picture!

Look at this model here:

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Straight men–you’d really hope this woman would have a snootch, wouldn’t you? She’s pretty, her legs are shaven smooth, tanned and apparently partable. But in the TV ad (which I can’t find a clip of either) her snootchlack is obvious as she stretches in the surf. Nope, guys–you’re shit out of luck thinking about getting sand in her crack–there isn’t one.

Think about this as you look at these shots:

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Perhaps Lindsay Lohan had a snootch at one time, but you can bet your happy place that it’s gone, just like her nice red hair. It’s unlikely the Olsen Twins had them to start–while they were acting, no one but child molesters gave it much thought, so now that they’re at the age where they’d be using them, poof! Gone!

One last thought to leave you with tonight:

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Folding hands in most unctuous prayer…Dearest, DEAREST Gods, please let my theory be right. Let me forever think that Paris had a stunt snootch in those Gods-awful sex tapes, someone who pretended to be her snootch for the purposes of setting up the pretense that Paris Hilton ever had sex. Please see to it that she never breeds and causes me to scream to Thee, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO FUCKING WAY!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”


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