Allez Cuisine!

July 23, 2005 at 11:10 am (Daily Dookie, The Enlightening Ones)

Last night's Iron Chef dinner started with one of Honey's new stunts. It's the one where he notices his Mom could use a hand with whatever she's doing–dinner, dishes, vacuuming, then decides on someone else to drop whatever they're doing and help her. It's not that I mind helping, mind you, but it's the "volunteering me" part I'm getting pissed about.

H'sMa came up to the bedroom while I was in the middle of a gasp session, saying "Honey said you might want to cook supper tonight. We're having stir fry. Do we have everything you need to do that?"

Anyone who's read this post (it's in the first paragraph of the Ask Your Psychic Fiend for that week) knows how violently averse I am to eating another stir fried debacle, so in spite of the wheezing and periodic need to shove my head in a bag filled with Eucalyptus essential oil fumes, I agreed to make supper.

Normally, I've plotted a good Chinese-style meal for the better part of a day before oil hits wok. I've been to the store, pored over the fresh veggie selection, carefully selected my meat (as I always do ~wink), and made sure staples like oyster sauce, fresh mushrooms and decent soy sauce are on hand. Once I get home, I partially freeze my meat (to make it easier to whack), prep the veggies and get the rice going so it's ready when the fud is, and etc. etc. Ad nauseaum.

Needless to say, none of that was happening last night–Garand dug his wok out for me after the second installment of, "I really need the wok heating now," H'sMa did her best to help, meaning she was loading the dishwasher precisely when doing so was no help at all, Honey sat in a chair in the living room beaming at the thought of my cooking (not realizing he was going to be beaten severely with the Direct TV remote when I got him alone later on), and I tossed it all together in about 10 minutes, start to finish.

In spite of realizing far too late that there wouldn't be enough rice (easily solved by tossing the small amount available right in the pan with everything else instead of making nice little fud beds out of it), the Beef in Brown Sauce turned out OK. I missed the oyster sauce, but I'm a picky-assed little bitch when it comes to Chinese food and I likes my brown sauce done right.

Amidst the cries of, "Oh God that's GOOD!" and "Is there any more left?" was H'sMa, telling me over and over that anytime I want to make it again, just let her know and she'd buy anything I wanted to make "this" again. Honey, still beaming like he'd invented the Internet, asked what it would take for me to run this project with seafood. "Nice, juicy scallops…shriimpppp…bits of whitefish…" I told him it'd take him buying said goodies, but he'd have to be sure to get the good stuff–big shrimp that wouldn't overcook in the mix, sea scallops, not bay, and a good thick hunk of cod to start the show plus he'd have to pick up a few special seasonings. He didn't seem put off, oh no, not at all (and oh no for me–I'm not crazy about stir-fried seafood).

To be fair I do have to add that he apologized profusely for volunteering me for duty without finding out if I was fit to serve. It's entirely possible that H'sMa took his brainstorming for a firm commitment of my ass to dinnermaking–that does happen from time to time. Fortunately the talk we had about that sort of shit should prevent it from happening again, as I must have looked damned idiotic whipping fud around the wok in between hits off my homemade inhaler.

It turned out pretty well, all in all. Next time, however, I want a trip to a farmer's market to get nummy fresh goodies. I also want a trip to Marv's meat market to pick better meat–hint, folks: Do not stir fry with the packs of "stir-fry" meat you see in the grocery store. It's scrappy and massively overpriced. For that same $5.99/lb I can get top-grade yummies and twice as much meat, and so can you.

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