Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The Confuse-A-Cat Version

July 29, 2005 at 12:32 pm (Your Psychic Fiend)

Come on in, folks, the coffee’s fine! However I’m still feeling like utter garbage, still running a 101 fever and am taking advantage of some cooler weather to get something done this week. Thanks once again for all your comments and I’m hoping to be full-steam soon. Meanwhile, it’s time for Your Psychic Fiend! Looks like fun this week, so I’ll let YPF take over before she hurts herself.

First, the ass-waiver:

As you begin your journey with Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be mindful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else.
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those sorry self-abusing crack whores who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Dan, the best-looking lawyer I’ve ever seen, has one for YPF:

Greetings, Psychic Fiend!
So Mercury in retrograde is making fuck-all of everything I attempt right now, and a little guidance would go a long way these days…
Should I keep my current apartment and find a new roommate, or should I strike out on my own when my lease is up next month?

YPF’s going back to basics on this one—She’s hitting the tea leaves (mostly because Serra made green tea for soap today—hear that ESC? Just made green tea!) to puzzle this one out. Ah, I see now. Yes, I truly see—wait, here we go with the guys in assless chaps again! Shit, this time it’s Johnny Depp, who doesn’t look good except as a pirate…or in assless chaps. The Mikey J Look in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is still creepy as snake shit though.

Answer: While it’s always fabulous to have roommates you get along well with, it’s a nightmare to have roommates that you do not get along well with. Don’t let a loneliness issue drive you to taking on any roommate if the situation’s not 100% right. Perhaps your best plan would be to find your dream place now with room for the right roomie but where finances aren’t made or broken on having one.

Hof’s one talented mother, isn’t he? YPF is loving the sketch he did of you!

Next up is the Brigadiere. It seems that once again YPF is right-on in her second sight!

My Dear Psychic Fiend,

I have taken to heart your advice about loosening the olde tether on Smiggins a bit and I appear to be reaping quite a bounty from it. The grounds look marvelous and he is taking more care in things culinary as well. Who would have thought that letting him sow his seed around a bit would have brought about all that?

At any rate I thought it’d be proper to offer you a hip and a hooray. But sadly I’ve thrown out the former again and can’t muster the latter.

My inquiry this week is this:

When the Grim Reaper comes to pay a visit, what type of tea should I have Smiggins serve?

Gee, as long as I have these out, let’s peer into the tea leaves once again.

Aw, hell, now it’s that Jared jerk from Subway in the assless chaps! Ew, ew EW!

All right, let’s just toss the I Ching coins. Hm…nice! VERY nice! I’ve got it now, Brigadiere!

Answer: Well, don’t serve green tea—he reads far too much into such things. He’s like a woman with PMS—if you give him green tea he’ll shriek, “What? GREEN TEA? Are you saying I’m old and shit and need more antioxidants? Do I need fucking wrinkle cream too? Oh, you horrible-assed Brigadiere! Just for that I’m going to screw with your destiny and make Smiggins die a day earlier! Oh, the NERVE of some people!”

‘Tis best to offer His Deadness a nice Oolong. He used to like Earl Grey, but since he got Jean-Luc Picard, he’s sick to death of hearing, “Tea. Earl Grey. Haut.”

My best to Mrs. Brigadiere, who will be sorely missed during her break from the blogging, Smiggins, and baby Filbert.

Mike over at RANDOM RAMBLINGS has an interesting one:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

First off….bummer about the bronchitis in July….certainly does bite ass…or anything else ya got exposed.

My question centers on why I feel the weird compulsion I have to post…in my blog daily….and why I feel guilty about taking last Sunday off…from blogging?

Well, Mike, you get the first crystal ball reading this week—that’s a tough one (Yeah, sure it is, like YPF has absolutely no compulsion to blog, like she didn’t drive me batshit all the time I’m hacking my brains out in Dog-damned bed! –Serra)

Serra, shut the hell UP for a change! You got to read 1/3 of Hairy Pootter and the Coffee Mug of Fire, didn’t you?

Well, yeah, but…

But nothing, bitch! This is MY time, and I don’t give a shit that the body we share’s gonna pay for it—you haven’t written anything original in a frelling WEEK!

‘Scuse YPF, now where were we? Ah, yes. The crystal ball…

Answer: I see your Site Meter, Oh Hick O’The Midwest…and the answer’s right there, and in your comments.

You do it for the chicks, Mike.

When do we get an update on the conversations with your aunt about the Lunch Date Stalker Chick?

Nancie has a question:

Dear Psychic fiend,

Is it true that when you most want the world to give you a bit of a breather it decides it’s the best time to kick you in the ass and laugh??? If this is true, is there anything that a mere puny mortal can do to thwart the world’s nastiness?

Good question, Nancie, but since this is happening to Serra too, YPF is unable to find an answer for either of you. It’s the “You can’t be a seer into your own future” thing again. If you find an answer, I’m sure you know Serra’s email—she’s had massive crap happening, topped off with being icky blicky sicky.

Thanks for writing.

Mr. K has one Serra’s raising her stupid naturally-nice eyebrows at:

When will Minnesota invade Wisconsin and claim it in the name of Mr. K.?

~SHOVE~ It’s Serra, Mr. K! Hiya! How’s Thumper? Good!

Answer: Now, that invasion won’t happen until the Vikings figure out a way to hire good players who aren’t incredible *cough*Moss*cough* asshats, quarterbacks who can be both consistent and part of the team *cough*Culpepper*cough* and can replace the Homerdome with a decent place to play, in a DECENT neighborhood!


Bitch, YPF’s gonna put rice in your bedsheets if you don’t quit leeching on YPF’s blog time! Just because you need to breathe decently to think up good blog posts is no excuse for horning in HERE.

AliceBabylon, who, by the bye, has a most interesting feature on her blog, Alice’s Japanese (so simple that if Serra didn’t have a sieve for a brain when it comes to foreign languages, she could learn from too), has this question that’s plagued women for centuries:

What’s the Psychic Friend approved way of dealing with creepy, yet too friendly old men?

Let’s take a stroll thru the crystal ball again…Hm, lots of how-NOT-to’s, not many truly good how-to’s…

Answer: If this dirty old man doesn’t already know Kryptonite, gently get them acquainted. It’s difficult for DOM’s to truly rampage when they know the lady’s hubby is likely to hunt them down and beat them senseless.

If that doesn’t work, hide the old fart’s Viagra.

Thanks Alice—Serra’s lit a candle for you and yours.

Mona Buonanotte has a question…hm, let me look at this one a moment…

Dear Psychic Fiend,

The Red Wings let McCarty go! Are they completely insane?! Will we even HAVE hockey next year? Or must I find some pro skater or X-Games snowboarder to have a winter crush on? ‘Cause we all know Michigan winters last SOOOO long, dammit, soo long and soooo cold.


WHAT? They let McCarty GO? YES, they’re completely fucking insane! Totally insane! First the Pistons buy out Larry Brown’s contract, now THIS? Oh, for the love of toothless men, what’s NEXT?

There’s other hot guys on the team, though, Mona. Chris Chelios isn’t half bad. Too bad they traded Federov tho. Sergei Federov, in assless chaps….mmmmm….

Evil Science Chick has one for YPF too!
Kermit the Frog runs across the bottom of the monitor…

Will Serra post more next week? I missed her this week, though I was entertained by looking up all the ‘you know you’re from’ memes.

Serra’s currently waiting for antibiotics to kick in. Meanwhile they’re raising total hell with her system and…

I hope so, ESC—I miss you crazy kids! –Serra

Shut UP, biotch!

No, I will NOT shut up, biotch! This is MY fucking blog, NOT yours! You don’t like the editing here, get your own damned blog!

I will NOT waste another chunk of bandwidth, let alone what little fucking time I get using the body, on my own blog! The Fridays I steal from you are more than enough. Now get back in the kitchen and make me a sammitch, bitch!

Sorry about that folks—YPF’s gonna slap the bitch soon as she’s done here.

I’ve got some gorgeous extra-size washcloths, ESC, a nice purple variegated set of two and two Ecru ones! Nice, soft, great for team showering!


Yipe, yipe, yipe!

There! That ought to shut Serra up long enough for YPF to finish here. YPF did say she was gonna slap a bitch, and she did!


VegasGustan, the hot new Vegas DJ, brings YPF a question that makes her think he’s hitting Seamus’ stash of opium-spiked pot:

Psychic Fiend, oh Fiend that is Psychic, will I still love me tomorrow if I don’t let go of yesterday today?

Since we have the crystal ball out, VG, let’s take a look….OMM! I’m TELLIN’!!!

Answer: Looks like you’re lovin’ yourself plenty there, VG! If you let go of that, you won’t have to have your keyboard cleaned so often.

And so ends another edition of Ask Your Psychic Fiend! Comments are as valuable as tips, so leave plenty!


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