Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The Ministry of Silly Walks Version

August 19, 2005 at 10:14 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Once again, I’m undercaffeinated and to top it off our Home Café machine is broken. Since my espresso maker is still packed, that means I either wait for an empty pot to present itself and sacrifice the last of my Kona coffee or sit and bitch. Meanwhile, while I decide, here’s Your Psychic Fiend, the hostess with the leastest…

Hiya everyone!! It’s Friday morning, Serra’s so sleepy she can’t hit her ass with both hands (although how she can miss that ass is beyond me) and the computer is mine, mine, mine! So here’s the rules:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be mindful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else, especially considering that Serra’s the copyright Nazi unless it suits her to be otherwise.
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don't want to be entertained by smartass answers, don't ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will be grievously disappointed.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those dumbassed, donkey-raping, shit-eating uncle fuckers who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Now, with that out of the way, let’s proceed, shall we?

YAY! Beow0l|=’s asked YPF a question:

Why do the 'USE OUR PRODUCT ONLY ONCE, AND IT'LL REMOVE ALL PET SMELLS!' never work on the first use?

Answer: Because they’re donkey-raping shit-eating unkle-fuckers, just like Miss Cleo and Fred Phelps. YPF don’t know which one you’re using, but if you do find one that works, let a bitch know, ok? Serra has a beagle who temporarily fergot her house-training when she was moved here.

VegasGustan is back, and looks like he made up his mind on an issue this time:

Dearest Pychic Fiend,

Okay, I decided that I really do want a tattoo. What does the spirit world suggest for me?

Serra threw some coffee grounds at the wall again, so YPF has a great little augury to use today. Hm, let me see…

Answer: YPF sees a lot of neat designs, but also sees some don’t-go-there warnings as well. She suggests not putting it on your hands (either palms or backs), not on the neck unless you want everyone to think you’re a skinhead, don’t have anything tribal done—it’s really hard to pull off unless you’re one insane SOB, no NAMES for the love of DOG no NAMES no NAMES no NAMES. “Mother” anywhere is also a bad idea—it’s just plain overdone. As for the flash images you find on the shop's wall, keep in mind those are ready-to-go designs–if that's what you want, then by all means let 'er rip. But you know that someone else is also wearing that exact same design.

YPF’s suggestion: Get a really artistic black-and-white job—no color, well-done of course, with a great illustration showing the talents of the tattooist. Sure, it’ll be costly, but getting something more unique and maybe a little more personal than the average piece of art you find hanging on a shop wall might be a lot more rewarding in the end. If you don’t want to go that way, then start with something you find on the wall and ask for a little alteration to make it yours—add something to it that means something to you.

Hope this helps, VG.

Evil Evil ESC comes next:

Will Kev propose on our romantic weekend together?

Answer: The Coffeeground Augury says that he’ll propose during a romantic weekend, but odds are even that it might not be this weekend. That means that they’re also even odds that he will propose this weekend. He’ll try to do it when you least expect it, and YPF knows you’ll cry and squeal whenever he decides to pop the question. Don’t be bummed if he doesn’t do it this weekend. It’s on his mind already.

Seamus has a coherent request for YPF today. It’s not a question but YPF totally understands why:

Send good ju-ju to the bionic dog!!!

All righty, Seamus, one juju coming up!

Stripping down to granny panties and a frilly bathing cap, smearing coffee grounds all over my bod…adding streaks of lipstick, that awful red that YPF swiped from H’sMa…starting the Chicken Dance…

Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah

Stopping abruptly…scratching at the drying coffee grounds over my tattoo

Wait, that’s Atomic Dog. Oh, well, Atomic, Bionic, at least it rhymes.

Scritches for the Bufflepuppy and best wishes on his surgery—we’ll be watching for updates on the blog.

NEXT!

Pup from Rantings of a Drunken Stuffed Bear has a great question:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

What can I do to ensure great fortune in my trip to Vegas this weekend?

BTW, awesome background.

Thanks, Pup! Se7en over there at Blogs Gone Wild is responsible for the awesome look here. Let me fool around with all the coffee grounds on my boobies and see what you should do…

Answer: The swirls on my left one say you should play the number Serra gave you, just once, and if it doesn’t pan out kick her ass. Although it’s also my ass, I don’t plan to be inhabiting it when you kick it, so bash the bitch good. Also remember: Keno’s a sucker bet, there’s no sex in the champagne room, and that gorgeous woman you’re talking to may not be a woman at all—the best female impersonators in the US are employed in Vegas. It wouldn't hurt to be blessed by the first clergy who offers to do so once you get there either.

Best of luck to you!

Mr. K. has a question about his Goldendoodle. No, that’s not a euphemism. See here to see what the fuck a Goldendoodle is:

Part 1: Who will Daisy (new puppy) like better: me or Thumper?

Part 2: What surprise twists can we expect to see in the new season of The O.C.?

Answer Part 1: If that little fuzzball has any of the personality of the “golden” part of his name, he’ll love EVERYBODY! She’ll love you, she’ll love Thumper, she’ll love Thumper’s sister Bambi, she’ll love everyone long time Joe. Dunno how smart she’ll be—while Goldens are very bright dogs, Poodles, eh, not so much, sometimes bright, sometimes too dumb to shake the towel off their heads.

Answer Part 2: The producers of the O.C. have done an amazing job of keeping secrets this year. But those parents running the BDSM dungeon out of their basement just won’t be silenced, and neither will their son’s turn at prostitution. They will run a warning trailer before the granny tranny bukkake scene, and I advise you to do something else during that one—there’s not enough therapy to get those images out of your head.

Paige has a question for YPF today too—yayyyyyy!

Will I get through this fast I'm doing, or will I cave?

Answer: The coffee grounds say you’ll get through it, but you’ll never want lemonade again ever ever ever! Well, maybe if you find a nice real-lemonade from real lemons lemonade stand at the state fair or something, but not this summer you won’t. YPF sees to remind you to come off the fast SLOW—that candy bar you’re craving is not the best choice for your first food back among the solid.

And Mona weighs in with a late entry:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Can you tell me what that rank smell is that's coming out of our bathtub drain? And why my husband can't smell it?

Thanks.

Answer: Your plumber missed a bend when he installed that plumbing—he didn’t put one in that he should have. Try running some hot hot water down the pipe, then toss in a few drops of Sweet Orange essential oil—should kill the smell for awhile. Alternatively, toss baking soda down and follow with hot hot water. Or use both together.

Sergei can’t smell it because if he admits he smells it, he’ll have to work on it, and I can’t say I blame him—bet that sucker’s an EW job for whoever has to tackle it.

Thanks for the visit!

Well, that’s it again—applaud by clicking that UPS-looking icon for Top Blogs, and of course comments are heartily welcomed too!

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