Giggling and Dialing 911

August 25, 2005 at 6:03 pm (Funny Shit)

As some of you know, I used to have the glorious, glamorous job of working in a convenience store, an occupation I took up after my orthopedist, chiropractor and boss all put their foot down on my returning to the nursing home. I pretty much lucked into my job, since my roommie already worked at the QuikStop and when I went in to pick up an application the manager strong-armed me into staying there to fill it out so she could put me on the schedule for training.

This is another of those jobs that's just filled with funny shit–granted that it's not funny at the time, but it gets funny once you have some distance from the incidents. It doesn't hurt to put a couple bongs in that distance either, which used to be a nice way to deal with it. I did straighten up a couple months into my first stint with QuikStop (which ultimately led to my first layoff from the place, as probationary employees can pretty much kiss their asses adieu when they're hospitalized for drug detox on a weekend when they're scheduled for three shifts in two days).

This particular batch of funny shit was brought to mind after a comment to my post "I have a bad feeling about this", about the Stormtrooper mistaken for a robber at a sci-fi con in Janesville, WI. The roomie that had gotten me hired at the store had just gotten off work, come home, popped a brewski, and we were about to begin the giggles.

"So, how'd work go? Anything fun happen?" Usually this is followed by a description of which cute customers came in, which pain in the ass customers he was able to get snarky with, and just who'd stopped in in general. Um, not this night.

"Well, I got held up."

"You fucking WHAT???"

It turns out that after my beloved roomie had explained that our store's not allowed to sell beer after 12 am, not even if it's sitting out in nifty little displays and not chained up like the cold beer must be by law, a very drunk (and very stoopid) customer asked what would happen if he pulled a gun on my buddy.

After being told that he'd laugh at him and call the police, the customer pretended to let the conversation go and finished getting the smokes and condoms he and the slunt with him had stopped in for. As he turned to go, he whipped back around with something pointing out of the pocket of his jacket. "This is a holdup," was how he announced this new entry into the "The Dumbfuck Thing I Did While Drunk" contest.

My roomie did exactly what he said he'd do–he giggled and turned to pick up the phone, then dialed 911. Dumbfuck stood there, thinking up funny jabs at Roomie like, "You're not really talking to the po-lice, you're just playin'" and "Yer fulla shit, you ain't talkin' to no cops." Meanwhile, Roomie's telling the nice 911 dispatcher where to find the store (like the cops didn't know where to find the only decent fucking coffee in downtown Eau Claire at the time), what the guy looked like, the guy's name, the slunt's name, and everything else the operator asked for. Then he hung up and started waiting on the next customer.

Dumbfuck kept up the abuse until he heard sirens, and even then it took him awhile to realize that they were converging on the store. Once his booze-dimmed mind grasped the concept that he was about to be in twouble, he and Sluntface left the store running. Roomie said the cops caught them about three blocks away and they were in the County Joint awaiting arraignment.

"When they brought him back to the store for me to ID him, he kept saying, 'I can't believe you called the cops, man, you know I was just kidding around!'"

"Roomie, did you tell him you don't get paid for him to kid around about robbing you?"

"Yep!"

"Good! I'm going to ride his ass about this–what a dipshit!"

I did, too–HARD. Threaten MY buddy with a fucking gun and see what happens–I don't care if it was just your uncoordinated finger in your pocket. The law says if you say it's a gun, it's a gun no matter what it really is. The guy eventually quit coming in, which was fine with everyone, including the manager, since legally we couldn't not let him in once the restraining orders were off and he'd done the 90 days he'd gotten in court.

Yep, one less Dumbass around the place just wasn't noticeable, since there were so many others. Maybe I'll tell you about them soon.

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