Ask Your Psychic Fiend: See What Happens on Good Coffee Version

August 26, 2005 at 10:07 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Well, it’s going to be a short version of Ask YPF this week—you’re awfully quiet out there for a bunch of opinionated folk. Let’s make with the disclaimer and I’ll let YPF out of her Pringles can:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be mindful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else, especially considering that Serra’s the copyright Nazi unless it suits her to be otherwise.
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred slunts who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Hellooooooooo race fans—it’s Your Psychic Fiend here once again, with all the answers to all the questions in the Undyverse! Let’s just get started—the HomeCafe is working once again so I’ve got a decent cup of coffee to work with and I can rip up the little pod for scrying material. Did y’all know Gevalia makes its coffee in PODS now? I want a subscription and so does Serra! Now, there’s a great birfday present, since Serra ages again in about a month.

Shut up, ho-bag, it’s too early to troll for pressies—Serra

AliceBabylon is up first:

Will I ever get off this stinking island?

Answer: The Little Podful O’Luv says yes, but if Kryptonite becomes too necessary to the job he does it could be awhile yet. Meanwhile, it might not hurt to find a fun hobby, like sending Serra Japanese Koh, she loves that shit and it’s not cheap. She’ll pay for it and the shipping if it turns out to be cheaper in the long run.

Sluntface, I told you not to troll for goodies, didn’t I? Do I have to get out the Pringles can already? –Serra

No ~sighs~ you don’t. I’ll behave.

Bitch.

Paige (Serra just loves her blog and wishes it had an RSS feed) has another good one for YPF:

Now that I threw up my stomach acid from the fast and had to stop, do you think I’ll stick to this gym thing and lose the weight I intend to lose?

Let’s play Toss the Grounds over a nice piece of paper towel and see what pretty stuff it does…

Answer: You need to find your motivation—YPF isn’t saying that’s why you had to stop the fast, lack of motivation, because YPF’s convinced those fasts can be harmful and is glad you had the sense to stop when your body told you to. Don’t feel bad about that—those fasts are a shock to the system (which is why some folks find some help there) and they’re not for everyone. There’s no way in Hell Serra should try one, f’rinstance, and YPF will slap her shit up if she entertains the idea.

But do find yourself some good, healthy rewards for sticking to your plan—set milestones and a juicy reward for hitting each one. That should go a long way to helping you stick to your workout regimen.

NEXT!

Hiya Dan! You’re the next contestant on Ask Your Psychic Fiend!

Is my shrink right? Or is she just blowing smoke up my ass to get me to stop whining?

Answer: The Coffee Grounds of Podland say your shrink might be partially right but she’s missing something major, something’s not clear to her. She has a slightly skewed outlook due to lack of information, so think hard on what she might be missing the point on and see if improving her information base might help.

Hugs and Serra’s wondering how the home-search is going?

Seems the Brigadiere’s missing a password, because ol’ Smiggins snuck onto Master’s computer:

yPffffffsss….

Me have question for youuuuu fiendie… Master Brigadiere allllll asleeeep. He get questions while asleep… does Smiggins answer them for him and let him sleeeep? Or does Smiggins wake Master Brigadiere to answer questions all groggy-faced and sleepy-eyed? Does Smiggins make messes if he answers questions?

-Smiggins

Answer: YPF doesn’t need a crystal ball for this one…starting to hum that song as a background to this answer…Smiggins could easily make big messes for Master Brigadiere if he jumps his happy ass into Master’s business. I’m sure Master’s friends will wait impatiently for the Grenku Friday awards, so just let Master sleep. You know how hard Master works to pay for your whips and the closet you sleep in, don’t you? Shouldn’t he get as much sleep as he can, and not have to wake up to your silly fuckups when he does get rested up? Yes, Smiggins, he should. So don’t answer his mail unless he tells you to. It’ll save the skin on your back if you do…bringing up the volume on the background music for the chorus…Crystal balllllll, so many things I need to know–crystal balllllll–so many things I gotta know….

UPDATE: Smiggins is one fucked-assed camper–he went ahead and did answers for his Master’s blog. Smiggins, it was nice knowin’ ya.

MooCow has a question—yayyyyyyyy!! We like MooCow around here—he’s our kind of twisted!

What kind of music does DJ Lovely play? Is it more of a trance house vibe or more of an Inxs meets Paul Van Dyke kinda thing?

DJ Lovely (whoever the hell that is cuz neither Serra nor YPF is admitting to shit) is so old school that she rarely spins anything recorded after 1990! Classic Rock, all DinoRock, All The Time for this one! Just get those old records off the shelf, she’ll sit and listen to ‘em by herself! This old bag not only OWNS vinyl worth listening to, she has a turntable to play it on! She’s still pissed off about the liberation of her best CDs due to an old roommate and is thinking about hunting them down the old-fashioned way—yep! Go to a party at the offender’s house and stealing her shit BACK!

ROCK AND ROLL NEVER FORGETS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

YPF starts slaughtering another great oldie moldy rock song while dressed in a white shirt, boxers, Wayfarers and sweat socks…misses the stop on the slide across the floor and thwacking into the refrigerator, right next to where the cat slid to a stop, both looking confused and slightly pissed off. Ohhh, Bob Seger’s gonna kick a bitch out of Michigan for this…

Mona made it on time today, which is tres cool:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

I totally suck. I can never get my ass in gear to ask you a question BEFORE Friday morning. Because I suck.

Can you tell how much longer I will suck, and what sort of ass-kicking it’ll take to make myself a g.d. post-it note reminder to submit earlier???

With all apologies,

Mona

Hm, let’s deal up some Tarot cards and see if we can get a number out of them…nooooo, spirit of the Tarot, no one’s going to believe that nice Mona has anything to do with the number 666! I am NOT getting out the Cold Duck this early in the morning—it’s nowhere near Christmas and my mother’s not even in the same state as I am so blow me! She’s the only one who appreciates Cold Duck on Christmas morning, you know! Now, make with the forecast….ahhh, finally…you just have to know how to talk to the Elvis that lives in your deck…

Answer: You’re not going to quit sucking, as you put it, until you get your mind off the college guys down the block, and off Sergei’s awe-inspiring balls, and off sex in general. In other words, Mona darling, you’re destined to suck for a long time to cum. Have a blast!

All right, now that THAT’s out of the system, YPF’s work is done! Just leave the usual rewards and YPF will be a happy bitch.

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