Ask Your Psychic Fiend Friday: The Close-Order Swanning-About Version

September 2, 2005 at 11:57 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Howdy howdy and welcome to another edition of Ask Your Psychic Fiend, the Close Order Swanning-About edition! We’ve got lots of questions this time and YPF’s just going to get right to work, after the obligatory asswaiver:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be mindful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else, especially considering that Serra’s the copyright Nazi unless it suits her to be otherwise.
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred slunts who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Our first question is from Mona:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Can you see if any diseases or horrible mangling accidents or bad episodes of Karma will affect our current leadership? I mean in the US. I’m kinda tired of all the crap.

Thanks.

Mona

Wow…did you ever notice what neat swirly thingies you can get from wrapping a dog’s pill in American cheese? This is just too cool…oh, wow, you won’t believe what I see…

Answer: YPF believes in a little thing called karma, but when Karma finds The Shrub he’ll know what hit him and have plenty of time to repent as he slowly but surely sinks into the La Brea Tarpits, while Michael Moore, Bill Clinton and 20 Hurricane Katrina refugees watch his ass sink. He’ll be yelling for God and Jeebus and all them things he only paid lip service to during the devastating effects of Mother Nature, and they’ll all watch for the moment he takes his last breath. Once that happens, they’ll bring him to the Heaven he believes in, let him gaze upon it, then They’ll giggle as they flush his ass to Hell, where…

Sorry, YPF got a little carried away. Yeah, Karma’s going to fix his ass. Count on it.

AliceBabylon has a good one:

Dear Psychic Fiend, Alice promises to look for Japanese Koh if you answer another question for her.
How many paid days off work will I get next week for Typhoon Nadi? (Mon doesn’t count, it’s a holiday.)

Oooh, Serra loves Koh, LOVES it! Shoyeido makes amazing stuff! Let’s take a look at her incense box, YPF bets there’s some great foretelling there…hell, it DOES look like a hurricane hit it…

Answer: Looks here like you’ll only score one free day off—Management (or whoever runs yer job) isn’t going to want to fork out more, but there’s a slim chance they’re going to have to give you a second extra day. So get some good DVD’s and hole up while Okinawa ditches all the extra water. Be safe and well, friend.

Hiya Joe!! You’d best post pics of the vee-hickle when you get it!

Okay, how is it that you got a post for Friday when Thursday isn’t even passed yet?

Dear Psychic Friend,
Will I get my dark blue Jeep TJ tomorrow? Oh wait this is for Friday and I’ll have it by the time Friday is over.

Since you probably already have your Jeep, I’ll answer the first question:

Answer: You can change the time stamp on Blogger posts—simply set it for the date and time you want and publish. With the Comment Me Now posts every week, I set it for early Friday morning, then it stays there even when I blog after I make the post. YPF does her best Velvet Jones impersonation…It as easy as dat!

Paige has been hanging out quite a bit, which has been great—she’s a lot of fun!

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Do you think any of my lurkers will come out of hiding, or will I eventually have to give up sometime next week and start blogging there again???

The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind…no, seriously, it’s in all the grass clippings on Serra’s Beaglet’s cone collar—she keeps bumping the ground during walks and throws junk up into it. She’s forever cleaning that damn thing out. Here’s hoping it comes off today at the recheck visit.

Answer: You’ll get all but three die-hards who are actually stalking you and hoping you’ll show your boobies on your blog. That’s the only thing that’ll bring the little buttcruds out—one post, your boobies, your blog. Of course, you’ll get six more lurking stalkers because you probably have stunning breasteses, but it’ll get those two you’re worrying about out of hiding.

Seamus came by again:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Will I find a solution to this awful conundrum that I find my self facing???? Wha’? Yes it’s a serious question for once!

All right Seamus, you’ve made me do it—you’ve made me drag out the…

Singing…Crystallll BALLLLLL, so many thing Seamus needs to know…Ah, here we go! And the answer is…

Answer: Yep, you’ll find your solution, BUT—it will be partially dictated by the Universe’s actions, setting you on the path to a cusp where you’ll ultimately find your destiny.

Now, please scritch the Bufflepup and hope his skin’s better today!

Grend31’s back, yayyyyy! YPF’s so glad that you got your Rip Van Winkle ass back to the land of the awake.

Dear Ms. Fiend, Esq.

*hhhhrmmph* Ah, excuse me. Recently awakened from a very lengthy slumber. I’m a tish on the groggy side. I could tell something was amiss immediately when I found Smiggins cowering and blathering in the corner all eyes-acrazed about having answered questions for yours truly during my nappy time.

Well, after confirming he had, in fact, stepped far about his post in life I immediately set out to try to find the proper punishment for his transgressions. But alas, I’ve come to a bit of a deadish end. So I’m asking you to devise some fiendish, devilish punishment to aptly fit his heinous crime. Please keep in mind it should not interfere with any of his normal duties.

Yours once again indebted to your fiendishness,
Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Answer: Since I had the crystal ball out, I took a quick peek at what Smiggins’ future should hold. Seems it should hold a chastity belt (deny this little bugger EVERY pleasure), bread and water rations for a week, make him scrub the toilet with his toothbrush, and make him polish Jesster’s shoes. ALL of them, every laundry basket full! Once he’s done that, make him do it again on the pretense that he missed a spot. THEN proceed with the whippings daily for the length of the bread and water.

That should teach him to stay out of your biznatch!

On a more political note, Serra’s loving the post you made that The Shrub should have been making all along. She thinks flagellation is completely appropriate for him.

Tricia, now that I know which of the two who stop here she is…

Will Serra finely figure out which Tricia I am?

Answer: Yeah, Serra’s not the sharpest tool in the drawer, is she? She’s finally figured it out, with the aid of your blog addy. She loves visiting those who comment so if that’s not there she’s more clueless than usual. Thanks for clearing it up for her dumb ass.

Mr. K, freshly back to school, has a very interesting one:

Why does MooCow masticate with his mouth open?

The answer’s in the Augury of the Dumped Cat Litter, something YPF set up last night so I could read it this morning…

Answer: After playing around with the cat box, I see both the simple answer and the complications behind it.

The simple answer is, of course, “Just to piss you off.” But it’s a little deeper than that, those reasons he wants your blood pressure higher than the Gross National Product. You see, it’s the *touch* thing. Although Grend31 is the major instigator, with Beow0l|= following suit, he feels extra-betrayed when you and Thumper join in. Why he feels that way isn’t clear, but it’s what the AotDCL shows.

Nah, I’m kidding you. There’s no deep-seated, hidden resentment. He just does it to piss you off, plain and simple. So get even with him by *touching* him.

Ian’s swept in like an ocean breeze…

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Will Madonna stop teasing everybody with that spiritual bullshit now that she broke all her bones and found all that kabbala crap was worthless??

Answer: The swirled piles of catshit say yes—she had some time to catch up on reading about herself and discovered that no one’s taking her bullshit seriously anyhow, so she’s going to become a Scientologist, give Oprah cars until she caves in and joins as well. I can see her in that clump of cat pee right next to the hairball, saying, “They’ll have to pay attention now!”

Yeah, right. Shut up Madonna!

That’s the last question today—anyone who didn’t get here in time is shit outta luck! No applause, folks, save it to put on the Top Blogs icon under my pussy in the sidebar.

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