Ask Your Psychic Fiend Friday: The Njord’s Saga Version

September 16, 2005 at 11:52 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Greetings and Salivations, my questioners! It’s time once again for the weekly round of abuse known as Your Psychic Fiend. Here’s the ground rules, then we’ll get started.

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be mindful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else, especially considering that Serra’s the copyright Nazi unless it suits her to be otherwise.
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred slunts who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Now, for the questions. There’s some new folk here, and I’d love to see comments from them once they’ve read their answers (especially you, Muff Diver—an email and blog address wouldn’t kill you either, would it?)

First up is DancinFairy, a new reader. Nice to see you here and here’s your 15 minutes of fame on my blog:

I have a question.

Is there light at the end of my tunnel?

For today’s divination, YPF is consulting that most favored of auguries, the Wisdom O’ Da Grounds. You know what that means—yep, the coffee sucks today and I’m pissed about it again.

TWACK! Ahh, it’s all becoming clear to me now…now that I can make some nice Kona coffay….

Answer: Yep, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but Da Grounds say there’s a one in five chance it’s another fucking train, so watch yer fairy butt.

Next we have Brighton over at A Day in the Night of a Stripper (an excellent read, YPF might add):

Is Travis going to get the job????? Ok, I know I ask this every week, right?

Da Grounds know you already have the answer to this one (BIG congrats to Trav, btw) so they have an answer for you about LIG instead.

Answer: LIG won’t leave until she’s caught in something that’s so heinous that even she can’t muster the nerve to bluff her way thru it. Yes, there’s something more heinous than fish chunks. That new security system and POS system are going to be her downfall, which is why she fights it like a toddler fights booster shots. Just do what you did with your kids then: Hold her down, coo lovingly at her until the needle goes in, and step back and smirk while she rubs her sore fucking ass.

Next up is another new person—Muff Diver, it’s a cute screen name, but I can’t link to your blog if you don’t leave the fucking URL for a bitch, now can I?

My new boyfriend insists that I take a very cold shower and then lie very still on the bed when we have sex.
He is a student mortician.
Is this normal?

Answer: Muff Diver, you wouldn’t be asking YPF to read the coffee grounds for you if you thought this behavior was normal at all, now would you? HELLS NO it’s not normal—and it totally answers why your new boyfriend likes you to do this! Yep, you already know the answer here, but YPF will state the obvious, just for you.

He thinks you’re a dead arse in bed and he’s hoping you get the hint and liven up a tad. He doesn’t want to come right out and say it, so he’s hoping that acting like a necrophiliac will either scare you into breaking up with him, or that you’ll take matters into your own hands by stepping up your game and cooking up something horny to do in the sack. Go check out Cunting Linguist for pointers and ideas.

AnonymousCoworker
is back for more fun, eh?

Why can’t I be in charge of everything?

Hm, now let YPF take a look thru Da Grounds…oh, really? He’s a total metro? Yes, the cat pictures did seal the deal, but Serra likes the kitty pics…

Answer: It’s because you’re not posting enough pictures of your cat. It’s grown quite a bit since the last set, hasn’t it? It’s adorable, isn’t it? It’s especially adorable right after it’s hawked an amazingly large hairball too, right? OK, the last isn’t at all true, but the rest certainly is—so make with the pics!

SMACK! Serra, you ignorant slut! I TOLD you—this is MY playtime, NOT your chance to troll for fun things!

Serra: But, YPFbitch, my birthday’s coming…

SO? You’re getting your hair done the way you want it so use your own fucking blog time to make requests! Don’t make me smack you again!

Serra: Fine. Slunt.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes…

Digitalcat has braved the asswaivers and posted a question:

I don’t like cake and ice cream. How can I get people to stop pushing it at me at weddings and parties without them thinking I’m a snob?

Hm, that’s a tough one…let’s consult the crystal ball on this one.

Styx kicks into high gear, launching the chorus to “that song” YPF ain’t havin’ it and kicks Tommy Shaw in the jimmy…Dude, it’s just too fucking early in the caffeine infusion to do this—shut up and let a bitch work, ok?

Answer: I saw a situation where no one will hang around and give you shit for not partaking of the obligatory party food. You’ve picked an ingredient (buttercream frosting, fondant, stoopid flowers, whatever—you made sure this particular cake had it in spades tho) and proceeded into a lengthy, graphic explanation of exactly why that ingredient makes your skin break out, gives you explosive diarrhea that has no cure, and makes the acid flashbacks come back. It works! The person trying to shove cake down your pie-only-hole is making the sign of the cross and backing off.

Seriously, just tell ‘em you’re on Atkins.

NEXT!

The Moose is loose—Moose writes a new-to-Serra blog, Moose in the Kitchen. Fun reading, so go check it out.

Is it possible for me to avoid doing something utterly stupid for an entire week? No? How about a day? That’s all I ask! One blunderless day!

Answer: Da Grounds and the Crystal Ball both show the solution—baby steps, Moose, baby steps. You should strive for five blunderless minutes, then ten, and keep working up from there…

That’s a fucking stoopid answer, YPF—it doesn’t work for you, does it? –Serra

Shut UP! It does too work for me!

Uh, what color is the sky on your planet? It doesn’t EVER work for your sorry ass! –Serra

Ignoring the buzzing sound that’s in YPF’s fully-occupied head and continuing…As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted…baby steps…just keep trying…

Dog, what a stoopid bitch you are! –Serra

Turning around…Does YPF have to smack a bitch?? DOES SHE?

Serra shuts up and flips YPF the Double-Barreled Bird.

Anyhow—NEXT up is Indri from over at Waterbones:

How do I get those little bits of set-in dirt out of the tiny folds in my bellybutton?

Answer: 000 steel wool and Serra’s soap.

Ian hasn’t learned his lesson yet, because he’s back asking one of his favorite bitches questions again:

after my last hippo post I think I lost my reader´s respect… what should i do to get it back?

Ian, YPF is SOOOO jealous—she never had the readers’ respect around here! –Serra

YPF is gonna smack a bitch UP if she doesn’t SHUT IT!!

Answer: Anyhoo, Ian, YPF keeps telling you—your readers love you, some in that wiggle-in-the-snootch way (even the ones who have no snootches) so pander to that need to see somethin’ nekkid and flaunt that excellent bod! Video—still pictures—cartoons if need be, but let all those great guys blog-stalking you get what they’re hoping for—YOU—NEKKID! I know no one will scream and poke their eyes out so don’t even suggest it.

Paige came back again. Paige—great to see you! Serra still can’t find your RSS feed so she doesn’t get over there as often as she’d like, and she’s sorry (oh, DOG is she a sorry bitch) but will show up more often. Here’s Paige’s question:

No one seems to have me on the “check daily” list…should I stop posting everyday?

Answer: Da Grounds say it’s your blog, Paige, blog when you need to, want to, but never as though you HAVE to. You have lots of daily readers but some of them are a little shy about commenting. Your gentle nudging is working well—keep it up.

Special note to MooCow—YPF just executed a bunny in your honor. Oh, and…

*touch*

Onward—the next question is from…ooh, hey, hiya MooCow! We were just talking about you…

Why can’t ACW be in charge of everything?

Answer: Shh, don’t tell him, but it’s because his kittycat already has the job of running the world. It made YPF answer his question the way YPF did…hewp meeeee…..

Rod Renegade, hi and welcome to the madhouse! Here’s your question:

What ultimately happens to chewing gum after you’re done chewing it? and my boss is 68 – how much longer will he want to keep running his business. I mean, he’s hardly ever there now, he sits at home and writes stuff (not blogs) but I don’t think I want to be there after he’s gone… the rest of the office is… well… I’d rather not work with them. So I guess my question is… when should I start REALLY looking for another way to feed my 30 children, 2 goats, cow, 12 chickens and a pladypus?

Answers: YPF took a gander into Da Grounds, just for you buddy! And she saw amazing things! Question one’s answer is: it’s sold on playgrounds by crack dealers—when a kid finds out that ABC means Already Been Chewed, the dealer just says, “Oh, you didn’t like that kid? Here, I got something WAY better, dude…”

The answer for question two is that your boss is hoping one of his longtime employees will offer to buy him out over time, with payments greater than what he takes out of the business now. He wants to stay home and have enough time to learn how to blog so he has another outlet for his writing.

As for question three, you could look into buying the business from him, firing the shitheads you work with, getting new, fun, exciting help that will strip and dance on the tables at the company Xmas party, and have no trouble feeding the kids, goats, cow, chicken and platypus. What, no wife?

Mr. K is already showing signs of needing a break from the kiddies—good thing he’s getting one today. Have fun at the CTAM and don’t forget to get a handful of Caribou’s excellent chocolate covered espresso beans—I always hit them up for a couple when I go into the one down the road from me…

Cough!! Cough! Don’t they sell those prepaid coffay cards? –Serra

Sighs…Someday YPF will shut that bitch up! Here’s Mr. K’s question:

Why?

Answer: Because you’re due to. It’s your turn.

NEXT!

Grend31 stopped by, posing his question late in the game, but since we love the snark over at the Lair, we’ll put up with it JUST THIS ONCE. Got that, Grend31–just. this. once.

Moo has all these monkeys and won’t let me touch them.. why is this?

Answer: It’s complicated, as are all matters MooCow. It’s because once someone else has touched his monkeys, they just aren’t the same anymore. They won’t look right, smell right or taste right (don’t ask) after someone else has had congress with them. He prefers his monkeys touched only by him. There should never be anyone else touching his monkeys EVER–only the gorilla at the factory (you know the one–the one that advertises that their products are “untouched by human hands”). Once you’ve touched his monkey, he’ll have to replace it.

You understand now, don’t you? So just stick with touching him. You know how he likes that.

Beow0l|=’s back with a double-header:

will the death and destruction coming on saturday come to fruition… or will the stalwart heros prevail???

Answer: The Crystal Ball…sweeping my hand back to smack Tommy Shaw before he even starts…says that the stalward heros will prevail, but you’ll run low on Chambord, so stock an extra Faggot Hand Grenade before everyone gets there.

should i make chili or green curry chicken… you know the day i’m talking about–yer the psychic one..

Answer: Definitely the chili—look around and see if any stores in your area stock that great extra-coarse hamburger too. It’s fabu in chili—nice and meaty without being forced to fork out for stew meat that you’ll have to chunk smaller anyway. Don’t forget sour cream with fresh chives, and shredded extra-sharp cheddar cheese (I miss that black-waxed stuff I could get over at Mom’s) and oyster crackers. Go easy on the beans—you know how Grend31 gets when you feed him beans…and…

TWACK!

Serra just took over YPF’s hands and made her type all that foodie-home-ec-y shit! Just ignore her and she’ll go away. Seriously Beo, do pizza from Bomino’s and beer and you’ll be fine. Better yet, make homemade pizza!!

Serra, shut the fuck up before I knock you into next week! YPF is gonna slap that bitch soon as she’s done here, people…mmrff mrrff ldnwrnssssss…

It’s Serra, folks—I canned the bitch again, this time in the coffee can I dump my ashtrays into. Maybe now she’ll learn that there’s always something worse than the Pringles can, and that I RUN THIS SHOW! She only gets to come out at MY sufferance and I’m sick of the abuse I get from trying to help her sorry ass out.

Anyhow, I’d love to hear what you think of the Ask Your Psychic Fiend Friday feature, so if you slogged thru all this bullshit, tell me what you thought in the comments. Thanks.

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