Ask Your Psychic Fiend Friday; The “It’s Lita Red” Version

September 24, 2005 at 11:05 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Good morning and welcome to the late edition of Ask Your Psychic Fiend! As Serra suspected, the answers to your questions are late due to her appointment to cut and color her hair. Even after it was cut to shoulder length, it still took an hour and a half to color. But, since this is YPF’s time and not hers, we’re going to get right to it.

Here’s the obligatory asswaiver:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be mindful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else, especially considering that Serra’s the copyright Nazi unless it suits her to be otherwise.
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred slunts who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Now, our first question is from Paige:

Yeah, first comment! Okay, question, I need a question…

“Who is, alive or dead, the fairest of them all?”

Richard Simmons.

Oh, wait a minute—you said “fairest” not “fairiest” Let me look at the Kona Grounds of Happiness…

I am, bitches! My hair turned out awesome! –Serra

Ah, shit, we’re SO not doing this again this week. Go away Serra or I’ll abuse the body while I’m in it and make you deal with feeling like shit!

Answer: Fairness is in the eye of the beholder. I have to say that Biskie, Serra’s daughter, is indeed the most fair. Of course I’m biased, but you asked ME, not Mirror Mirror On The Wall.

The next question is from Anonymous Coworker:

I am not very fond of my job, but it’s not too bad either. What could I do that I would really enjoy, and how do I go about doing that?

Answer: Da Grounds tell YPF that you could make some excellent money writing a book about all the dumbass questions you’re asked at work. You’d have to change the names to protect the stoopid, but it’d be so much fun!

Oh, and thanks for the kitty pics!

The next victim—YPF means postulant—is the mysterious Brigadiere:

Dear Ms. Fiend, Esq.,

I have, on occasion, the need to “not be seen”. What is the best way to go about this “not being seen” business?

Yours incognito,
Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

p.s. As they say in all those spy films, “I was never here.” *nudge nudge grin grin wink wink say n’more!

That reminds me more of the CIA agent from MASH than a spy film, but it’s your question, Brigadiere, so here goes…

Answer: Ask Smiggins—he’s awfully good at it. Haven’t you ever wondered how he manages it? HINT: It involves buckwheat honey and fruit flies.

Ian’s back with another question:

I´m getting very tired of men… REALLY!
Should I become a LESBIAN,sorry, I mean straight?

Answer: Da Grounds show what’s been true throughout most of history—about the time you’re sick and tired of chasing ass, dating, trying to get laid, failing to get laid, and generally wondering what is WRONG with some people, THAT’S when The One walks in, sits down, and announces s/himself. It never fails—just when you’re not up to putting yourself out any further in the pursuit of sex, it taps you on the shoulder, throws you down, rips your clothes off and sucks your cock. Since The One is persistent along with everything else you want and need, sooner or later it’ll make itself the obvious choice. Have patience, Oh Cute One—your turn is coming.

VegasGustan is back among the questing living:

Can time truley not give you time?

Sorry, I’ve been around 80s music too much.

Answer: Boy, have you EVER! And thanks to you I’m driving Serra nuts with the Bangles’ “Hazy Shade of Winter” because YPF can’t get it out of our head! Heeeeee! No, time does not give you time—it takes time to make time so make time to be there.

NEXT!

Hiya Moe!

Will this be a cold hard winter for the Northest, and if so, will it include oodles of snow!?

Answer: Da Grounds say that while it’ll be a bit colder in the Northwest, that doesn’t mean you’ll get to go sledding down your favorite hill any more than you did last winter. You’re going to have to go bug Beo to get your snow fix in any volume.

MooCow chimes in with a good one:

What are peeps really made from?

Answer: I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. Seriously, they’re made from sugar, sugar, sugar, guar gum, flavor and preservatives. The preservatives and flavor are an antimatter mix developed at Just Born, and since it’s a trade secret they don’t have to tell you it’s in there. They bought the technology from aliens from the planet Arachnea. The plus side is there’s actually more carbs in them than they actually weigh, which lets the company save on shipping.

Interesting aside: There’s a Peeps Fan Club–check out the website link for details.

Seamus brings another interesting question to YPF:

Dear PF,

Gah! I had a real question and missed last week – please tell me what that was? … and how much trouble it’s going to bring me?

Bufflely yours, Seamus

Hiya Seamus! Here’s your answer:

Answer: It promises to be a real pain in the ass, but the cost won’t be so much monetary as it will be mental. You’re going to have to start writing these things down when you think of them. That way you’ll have them at your buffletips when you need them.

Hope the Bufflepooch’s surgery comes off great, and give him a scritch for ol’ YPF, willya?

Cassarass has a question I’ve wondered about for awhile now:

Why is it that bologna is round and bread is square?

No seriously, do you forecast my thrift shop doing well?

Answer: Da Grounds are a bit hazy on the thrift shop—they say that four factors will really be the indicators: Location, stock, location and location. They also say to keep a bright, clean, well-lit shop, with lots of plus sizes. Hope this helps!

Here’s hoping you’re not reading this from home and have gotten your ass out safely.

Folks, YPF has to give props where they’re due–Cass is a fantastic artist–go to her blog and see!

Next up is Mr. K:

Why are this year’s freshmen so much dumber than last year’s freshmen?

Answer: Da Grounds say it’s global warming combined with early puberty and low-rise jeans. The jeans cut off blood supply to the brain, stranding the body’s blood supply in the nether regions (already in high gear due to early-onset puberty). Global warming just never helps anything.

Daisy’s getting awfully cute—is she as sweet as she looks?

Rod Renegade is back for more abuse:

My wife has a fishtank in nearly every room of the house. Six in total. The exceptions are the bathrooms, garage and my office. The biggest tanks are in the living room and our bedroom. How many pet fish and tanks are normal? She is Pisces… does that mean something?

Answer: Yes, it means something—it means she hasn’t gotten around to putting one in the bathroom yet. I do have a solution though—Buy (or build) a great big mondo reef aquarium in the room that can hold it (living room? Rec room?). Trying to maintain a salt tank should keep her going insane enough that the rest of the aquariums will become unnecessary and will disappear of their own accord. Besides, those bigassed reef aquariums are cool.

That’s it for this week’s Ask Your Psychic Fiend, folks. Please leave your comments in the proper place.

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