Ask Your Psychic Fiend Friday: The Stupid Spoiled Whore Version

September 30, 2005 at 11:41 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Good late morning, everyone! It’s YPF once again, freshly showered after another run-in with the ash can. Guess that’s the last time I call Serra an old slut, now, isn’t it? It’s time to make with the asswaiver and get this show on the road, so here goes:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. Your Psychic Fiend must be mindful of copyright infringement issues just like everyone else, especially considering that Serra’s the copyright Nazi unless it suits her to be otherwise.
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred spawn of Larry The Cable Guy who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should be strangled with a telephone cord.

Firsties on the Comment Me Now list was Ian, so YPF gets to torture him first:

I´m feeling kinda dizzy and I´m starving all the time…AM I PREGNANT???????

Let’s use the arrangement of ice in my Coke (real Coke glass, trademark and all) glass full of Mountain Dew for the answers today, shall we?

Answer: The answer’s not clear here, Ian—what’s clear is how you could possibly become preggers without having done anything to become that way? Masturbating makes you go blind, hon, not get pregnant. If you’re trying to make babies, consensual activities are essential.

On your second question, Serra says she’s not answering that one—see post farther down the page, you Latin smartass!

Next up for torment is Anonymous Coworker. YPF read Mokie’s post today—not half bad!

I’m going to Oktoberfest at the local Ren Fest this weekend. How many beers will I drink before I can’t tell “5 Minute Othello” from “5 Minute Macbeth”? P.S. I majored in English lit, so I’m VERY familiar with both plays.

Hm, have you ever noticed how remarkably much Mountain Dew resembles pee? I didn’t either until now.

Answer: Watch for the Moor. When you don’t see one, it’s Macbeth. If either everyone looks like one or no one does, you’ve reached that point you’re looking for. Best of luck and be sure to tip your serving wench heartily.

Mike at RANDOM RAMBLINGS (he shouts it, why shouldn’t a bitch?) came back again…and again…and again…

Ahhhhh…..the nail clippers are missing around here again…..Do you honestly feel they may be residing in the kid’s tackle box like the last time they came up missing?….and what’s your take on why nail clippers are vital fishing gear?

and Part Deux:

Hoping more than one question is allowed….but it’s your fault…..You have me curious on what’s in the bar of soap in my shower….lol…..I think it’s either coast….or irish spring….if that matters?

Answer: YPF doesn’t have to look at a glassful of pee on ice to know the answer here, Mike. You know as damned well as a bitch does that’s exactly where they are.

Nail clippers are the single most indispensable thingy one needs to have in a fishing box! They’re the thing easiest to use to nip off line after tying a fisherman’s knot to secure one’s hook. If you need to make up a leader, just grab and snip. Best of all, you have to get VERY VERY into catching bottle bass in order to FORGET how to use one.

Give in, give up—buy your son his own pair and hide yours until he begins to remember he’s got his own fucking nail clippers now.

As to what’s in your soap–that’s a matter for another series of posts, because the answer is long and full of nasty chemicals that are bad for your skin. You should get Serra to hook you up with the good shit–she can even make you one scented like Irish Spring but minus the unpronounceable crap inside. That’s just the way she rolls, homey.

Our next vic—I mean guest is Paige. Congrats on the successful relocation and here’s hoping it serves you well.

I have a friend who I’d like to get to know better, but he always seems to be to busy to talk to me. Is he avoiding me?

Answer: The twenty million six ice cubes tell me there’s a little bit more to it than avoiding you. Yes, he’s avoiding you, but it’s not for the usual reason. You see, there’s this psycho bunny boiler that’s been pursuing him, and once she’s been tasered, sedated and hauled off to Loony Land, he’d like to have you still alive to date and mate. If the Happy Homewrecker finds out another female is after him, she’ll sneak into your house and leave a Black Mamba snake lying in wait to bite your face and kill you in an unspeakably horrible manner. It’s just coincidence that she only has one eye and looks like Daryl Hannah.

Just be patient—he’ll have loads more time once the bitch is behind reinforced glass and full of Thorazine.

Another visitor to the realm is Grend31. Grend31, I’m still waiting for my tinfoil hat—I’ll trade you your drool back for it.

Why are stupid people allowed to breed?

Answer: The easy answer is “Because it’s a human rights violation to kidnap and forcibly sterilize them.” The deeper answer is that since nearly everyone’s got the NEED to breed, there’s as many opportunities for the stupid to do it as there are for the smart like us. However, since we smart people know enough to use contraception (while the stupid can’t even spell “cat” let alone “contraception”), we reproduce at a slower rate than they. As a result, it’s painfully obvious that there are more Doomed To Be Stoopid people born every day.

There’s only one solution: Get going, smart people, and FUCK! Reproduce yourselves! Make a smarter world, one squalling shit factory at a time.

Beow01|=, one of your answers is above, and here’s the answer for part two:

YPF has no frelling idea. Serra didn’t remove it, it just poofed one day. Serra suspects the site no longer exists, hence no icon, but has decided life is too short to chase the fuckers down and will wait until a better rating system comes along before she can be bothered with it again. Any system whose #1 ranking blog belongs to someone with no brains in their heads and not enough sense to at least download and re-upload a pic they’re stealing from here is either inherently flawed or some fucker tampered with the voting. Serra believes strongly in #2 and hence can’t be arsed to mess with it any longer.

Another question comes to us from Jeff:

I’m just wondering if I’ll ever find a woman and when I’ll ever get laid again, it’s been, ohhh…several years. I hope my psychic friend can provide me with some insight!

Answer: The liquids swirling in the glass forecast that when it happens, there will be lots of heavy, labored breathing as a finger strokes along the sweaty glass—I mean skin…oops, that’s me playing with the glass.

Seriously, it’s difficult to date in your situation. Perhaps matters will improve once you’re in one place more often. In your current line of work, it’s hard to say “when you’ll be back around” and that makes it nearly impossible to break a dry spell like yours.

Once you’ve got a little more regular physical schedule, you’ll be snapped up like the catch you are. Oh—and, I’m Your Psychic FIEND. With FRIENDS like me, who needs enemas?

NEXT!

Oops…there isn’t a next—so that’s it for this week’s Ask Your Psychic Fiend. No applause, just…actually I do want the applause, please, in the comment section.

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