Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The Really Late Version

November 11, 2005 at 12:12 pm (Your Psychic Fiend)

Once again I emerge from the can of cigarette ashes the bitch put me in, gasping for breath and coughing up a black lung bigger than any produced by a West Virginia coal miner. I’m not sure what I have to say will be worth the time it’s taking to type it, but here goes…

First question is from MooCow

So my birthday is this weekend…What's in the big box?

Answer: Since you know now, how about telling a sistah?

Next! Moe seeks wisdom:

Now to the question. Question, question.. who has my question…. oh yeah, the multi-part question..

What in the hell can I do to help my roommate:

a – get over the G-man she dated for a while last year that decided he still wants to be friends.
b – same G-man different issue.. if he's going to flirt by email, is it ok for her to demand 'satisfaction' when he turns her on?
c – different guy (at work) who she's too chicken to approach – what is the best way to gently shove her in the right direction – so she'll at least get off the damn fence and do more than TALK about it?

Thanks My Fiend – I'm making up for weeks missed in the question department… awaiting you wize reply.

Thanks, Moe

OK Moe, here’s the Leelu Dallas Moolti-Pass Wise-Assed Answer:

Answer: a. G-man needs to be shitting or getting off the pot. I can’t count how many times some asshat’s come back to Serra, all whining and “I miss you” and “I didn’t know when I had it good” and “will you blow me one more time” and shit. It’s not likely to be worth your nice roomie’s time to replay the relationship in fast motion and a fast-motion version of an old breakup is still an old breakup.

b. Yeah, it’s ok for her to demand satisfaction if she’s decided to go ahead and give him another chance, but why bother? Again, unless there’s major changes it’d be like repeating everything again, only faster. I hate to see good women do that. Instead she should seriously look into online dating. I’m not kidding—you and Serra both know that you can indeed hit the hot-man jackpot that way. It’s less time shaving yer legs and snootch only to wish you’d used the time reading a Katie McAllister book, can be done while shopping for a vibrator that plugs into the wall, and ultimately you just might find someone worth keeping around.

c. The movies have a lot of answers for this one, the primary one being the “Fake notes to both of them to get them together” Ploy. YPF’s never used it—I’m the kind of bitch that grabs the hand of one of them, hauls them over to the other, announces in a loud voice “You’re each having horny dreams of him dressed in a pleather teddy” and proceeds to hand them each a computer and tells them to harass the Secret Service agent that arrested their friend for hacking and tell them to get one back for Joey. The winner wears a dress on their date.

Why, yes, I’ve been referred to as The Plague before, but that’s just before Serra shoves my ass into a Pringles can. Why do you ask?

Our next victim is Beow0l|=

when will i be getting my SSS lotion? X(

Answer: When Serra gets the baseball bat out and bashes what passes for brains out of the morons who keep throwing shit into the space she keeps trying to clear. If she could afford to rent workspace she’d be doing it. She’s sorry but is working with what little she’s getting for cooperation here.

December’s joined in the fun with a good question:

Why do I not get paid for going to Algebra II class, when it is me that tells everyone how to do it…after the teacher has explained it? Should I start charging a fee? Cause I think I would be a millionaire in a matter of days.

Answer: If your school has a tutoring program that pays the tutors, sign up to tutor for the class—you won’t be a millionaire but you’d get some compensation for the time you’re putting in. Short of going to the school board and telling them what you told me, you’re not likely to get anything else. You're also likely to get the teacher fired, jeopardizing any money you manage to score on the tutoring gig.

Next up we have Indri:

Which is it better for me to dress up as for Halloween: a ball of yarn, or a fancy hors d'ouevre?

Answer: Depends on what you want at the end of the party—whether you want to be slowly, teasingly unwound with bats of a fuzzy paw, or if you want to be eaten in a couple bites…

NEXT! Hiya Paigey-poo!

Why did I say I'd pick someone up and drive them home tonight at 11 when I have to be at work at noon tomorrow?

Answer: From Heathers: “Because you’re an idiot?”

Real Answer: Because you’re a kind, generous, forgetful soul. Two out of three ain’t bad.

Our next question is from Seamus, who has a coherent one this time around:

Dear PF – is that Serra wench ever going to visit me again??? Buffledog's lonesome!

Answer: Serra’s brain’s been so tapped due to the drain of trying to live with some people’s kids that she wasn’t up to making decent comments on anyone’s blogs. I’m sure you’ve seen her back now and she’ll be back more. She’s found a way to deal with the stress, soon as she can get a car she can use to go search for explosive rounds to fit The Solution.

Next question’s from VG:

Dear PF,

I have a good job at a radio station here, but it is not the format of music I love. A new station in town just switched formats and is playing Alternative Music now…it is my favorite. Should I try and get a job there even if there is a chance that if I don't get it and my current employer finds out I will get fired?

Since Serra the Shitheaded had me locked up for so long, I’m guessing that the pertinence of this answer has passed. How about telling me what you wound up doing?

Ian, I’m including this because I love you, not because you’re asking a good question.

q.- why am I so perferct?

Answer: Dog has blessed you?

And stay tuned as next week I actually get this feature out ON TIME!

Adios, Cabronas!

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