Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The “I love my dead gay son” version

November 18, 2005 at 11:33 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Forgive the theft in the title, please, it’s that dipshit Serra’s idea. Just because her body hates us all and she watched a certain cult classic movie last night, she’s changing the reference in the title.

YPF will give a shout-out to anyone who knows what movie it’s from.

With that said, with good coffee made (because Serra woke up at 5 am and couldn’t get back to sleep and made it) and with malice aforethought, here’s this weeks answers to your Ask Your Psychic Fiend questions! On time (at least on the right day), well-done (of course) and now with Exfoliating Crystals!

Here’s the usual asswaiver:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. With friends like YPF, who needs enemas?
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don't want to be entertained by smartass answers, don't ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred spawn of Larry The Cable Guy who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch whoremongers like Miss Cleo and her ilk should have been smashed against a rock at birth.

Now, on with the show!

First up is “Lovelorn in N.O.

Dear Psychic Fiend,

Hi hi!

I want and need some really good loving from an attractive and willing female, preferably brunette, will my desires finally be realized before Christmas?

Please help me if you can!

Lovelorn in N.O.

All right, it’s time to not use Da Grounds to answer this one.

Answer: Sure, YPF would love to hook a guy up! Seriously! Howsabout giving Serra a good recent pic, a list of what she must like (or what at least she must not force you to pretend to enjoy), your basic stats, your likes, your “I will not compromise on this in a lover” list, and we’ll write you a “Come find the man of your dreams” post and put it right here on Whiplash Smile.

YPF is being a perfectly serious bitch here, Se7en, my friend. You’re a fantastic guy and if Serra and I didn’t live so far from you and already have a man, we’d be all over you like buttermilk on Southern Fried Chicken! If a friend can't pimp out her other friends, what good is she anyhow?

Email me—you know where.

Next up is Seamus, the man who talked Serra into deciding that if she ever has another dog it’ll be a Berner.

Dear PF,
I find myself between a rock and a hard spot. Which soap should I use to slide out of this predicament and how the hell did I get here to begin with?

Let a bitch check The Awesome Coffee Grounds of Spiritual Augury (hereinafter knows as Da Grounds):

Answer: This one really needs to be answered backwards, Seamus. Da Grounds show how you got there before they show how to get out (they’re fucked up that way). As I gaze into Da Grounds, I see before me a wonderfully nice guy who just can’t disappoint people. Serra used to be like that, so we’re familiar with the predicament. The best way to slide from it is, of course, not to allow it in the first place, but sometimes that’s just not possible. Once you’re there, however, the only honorable way out is to negotiate a do-able compromise. Not everyone is 100% happy, but everyone gets something.

Hope that helps. Honestly.

Our next contestant on Ask Your Psychic Fiend is Right is AliceBabylon:

The Marine Corps Birthday Ball is this Monday, will I be the "belle (bell?) of the ball"?

Answer: Serra used to date a Marine—boy, that birthday is some serious shit for those Marines, isn’t it? Bigger than Christmas and more spit and polish than R. Lee Ermey. Da Grounds show you being incredibly hot, popular and a credit to your jarhead (as if you have no other reason for living…Dog, that sounded awful. But you will make Kryptonite look GOOD!). Wear the second dress in your list, make sure the shoes fit perfectly, and have a ball!

The next question comes in from Clora Clairvoyant:

Will people ever pimp MY blog on their blog?

Answer: Don’t need Da Grounds for this one, hon—go look under Hot Bloggers in the sidebar. The only reason it took so long is that Serra was waiting for you to give folks the go-ahead to post the link (knowing about your outlaw stalker), then did it in the next update. You do deserve more pimpage than that, but it’s what we’re able to do here.

That, and this:

Run, don’t walk, to go check out House of Snark—she’s funny, she’s smart, she lifts and separates!!

Next up is a question from MoeThat’sMe:

Think "Corporate America" will ever embrace **Pirate Friday** instead of "casual friday?"


Answer: Considering that Serra’s such a lame bitch that she didn’t even participate in “Talk Like a Pirate Day” she’ll never embrace Pirate Friday. I think it’s mostly because she’d look like a cow in wench’s garb…

Oh, don’t even start with me, you little bitch! Wanna spend another two weeks in a can full of cigarette ashtray dumpings? –Serra

Ain’t happening, Boring Betty.

Don’t bet on that, Clueless Cleo! I’ll dump an ashtray in a Pringle’s can and put you in THAT—less room and more concentrated ash dust. So don’t fuck with me. –Serra

Sighs…As I was saying, Pirate Friday could get pretty boring every week, but it’d be fun to watch for awhile, wouldn’t it? I think something would be missing if this man didn't work in your office tho.

Our next query’s from Ian:

Dear Psychic Fiend,

IM PLANNING A HUGE TRIP, and for the first time in my life, I´m fucking terrified.
what can I do to ease the tension?

Please dont say Pills cuz I´ve hadd enough of them already…

Answer: YPF sees you in some new clothes—something sharp, updated, and ass-enhancing. Do some shopping, my hot Latino buddy—Da Grounds show you in something red to set off the new hair color.

Have a blast, good luck, and get laid—best wishes from the staff here at Ask YPF.


Next up is Anonymous Coworker:

Can I post a question here? If the answer is yes, then my question is, "Is there a way for me to make more money quickly and that way not be a scam?"

Answer: You can ask—doesn’t mean YPF will answer. Actually, yeah, I’ll answer, cuz that’s the way I roll.

Da Grounds are very very clear on this one: Get your cat a shot at the next cycle of America’s Next Top Model. (Dog KNOWS your cat sure as hell can't do any worse than anyone else they've had on that show) They’ll decide she’s a fresh, new face and piss themselves to pimp her out for you. Don’t be a cat-stage-mother about it though—rhinestones will work perfectly well on a collar, no need to resort to diamonds, screw the limo—let her run around town in a padded carrier in your Explorer (which you’ll buy with all the money you’ll be getting in fees for The Cat Goddess’ services) instead. Above all, remember—too much catnip will make her smelly.

Oh—and if the cat’s a he, there’s always renting him out so someone with more money than sense can make their rented mansion feel like home.

Shit, the little fucker did it again, didn’t it?

We have an as-usual late entry from Mona Buonanotte. Mona, the alert list is over there on the sidebar—feel free.

Loves ya, hon—Serra

I'm late as usual, but some time in the future, can you answer this question?

Will the boss of the company EVER pull his head outta his butt long enough to realize that buying drinks for total strangers on the company's dime is STOOPID???!??



Answer: If we’re referring to the same assbag that throws a Christmas party for loyal, underpaid employees and CHARGES them to get in, then no, he will not pull his head out of his ass without the aid of Jaws of Life. To this bitch’s way of thinking, if he can afford to get the clients drunk at every meeting, he can damned well afford to get the employees drunk once a year. His clueless ass needs a shakeup, which might come about if someone drops this link in his email. Don’t do it yourself and warn a bitch so she can take yours and Sergei’s links off the sidebar so neither of you gets Dooced.

One last note—go lookit the pic on Special K’s blog, the refrigerator. I lust after one of these—it’ll scare the piss out of everyone here. Maybe if they realize that Serra has FAR too much time on her hands, they’ll put a little fucking effort into making the kitchen workable like they fucking promised her six months ago.

Besides, it’s just a cute idear.

And that wraps it up for this edition of Ask Your Psychic Fiend! Leave applause in the coments, throw money via PayPal at


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