Ten Tips for Driving Amongst the Stoopid

November 23, 2005 at 11:19 am (Funny Shit, Rant Goodness)

1. Don't think that they'll (insert smart driving technique here). They won't.

2. Don't think they won't (insert typical dumbassed stunt here). They will.

3. They will (insert typical dumbassed stunt here) every fucking time it's certain to be the absolute worst thing to do in their situation.

4. They will (insert typical dumbassed stunt here) every fucking time it's certain to be the absolute worst thing to do in your situation.

5. No matter how hard you pray, the dipshit bleached blonde yuppie driving the Kinderschnootzenvagen ahead of you will not fold her cell phone and jam it through her temple as hard as she possibly can. She will not suffer the instantaneous body death state you're petitioning God to grant her to match her brain's lack of electrical activity.

6. If you have not been to the store yet for the last-minute Turkey Killin' Day goods, you're offically screwed before you leave the house.

7. Special 4WD owner note: Your ass is not invincible. Your mass does not behave any differently in slippery conditions than a non 4WD of the same mass, and in spite of your vagen's equipment you are every bit as likely to fishtail out of control and damned near hit the Lumina I'm driving as someone without 4WD.

7a. See? You're also just as likely to find your sorry ass in a ditch when you over-drive your ability to stop. By the way, did you remember your cell phone? No? Well, I didn't either.

8. Another note: You're going to hate yourself when you get your next insurance bill. Your insurance agent, however, will love your sorry, stoopid, "I'm in the ditch with less than an inch of snow on the ground–I suck dirty green donkey dicks" 4WD ass, because your premiums for the next three years will put all four of her children through college.

9. Hel*Mouth does not stock replacement brains, Dear PuttingMyMascaraOnWhileDriving. I tried very hard to get their pharmacy to order one for you, but it's just not possible. Your current state of brain failure makes you ineligible for a transplant.

10. Um, see that white shit on your car? The law encourages its removal from your vehicle before putting it in motion. CLEAR THE FUCKER OFF BEFORE YOU HIT THE ROAD, SHITSMEAR!

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