Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The “Hide and Go Suck” version

December 9, 2005 at 12:45 pm (Your Psychic Fiend)

With all the knitting I’ve been doing, I’m going thru a lot of DVDs. I’m running out of things in our collection here (and have no interest in enlisting Garand as my video bitch because I know he’ll complain after about the fourth movie I ask him to chase down), so I took Netflix up on a free trial and I’m wondering if I should have sprung for the 3-video deal. I opted for two-out-at-a-time, and I’m still finding myself watching shit like this. Oh, well, I use the same email there as I do everywhere else, so if you want to be on my friends list there, just send me an invite.

Garbage movies with Neve Cambell and Denise Richards aside, it’s time to let the bitch out of the can and let Your Psychic Fiend answer your questions once again. First, here’s the asswaiver:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. With friends like YPF, who needs enemas?
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred spawn of Larry The Cable Guy who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch penisbiters like Miss Cleo and her ilk should have been smashed against a rock at birth.

Hiya everyone–YPF here–time to get started. First up today is Clora Clairvoyant, that star of stage, screen and blogland.

Will I ever feel normal?

Answer: Define normal.

Seriously, this is your answer. What’s normal for you might look fuckin’ strange to Da Grounds, so it’s hard to know if they’re just off on an LSD flashback or if there’s really something actually weird going on. For instance, Serra doesn’t have an issue when Honey buys her sharp pointy things, so she LOVED the Swiss Champ he got her for her first birthday while they were dating. Other women would have been pissed to get one, no matter what the little bastards cost.

The point is, it’s easy to see what Da Grounds show, but hard to judge normality, and it’s not my place here to judge anything.

In other news, you’re going to love the Christmas present that….but that’s not for me to tell either. Far be it from me to ruin the surprise.

Next up we have Seamus, who I think has broken out the Christmas stash, if you know what I’m saying…

Plane travelling East at 540MPH – will it always land in the east and why are there “not nutz” in bags that don’t open?

Answer: Yes. No matter where the plane lands, it’s always East of something, isn’t it? The real question is, “Where do they bury the survivors?”

There’s “not nutz” in those bags because airlines have used the Peanut Allergy Fandance to obscure the fact that they’re spending less on letting the mechanics fix the planes when necessary, thereby making air travel more dangerous for us and more profitable for them. Once things get really bad for them, they’ll pack “nutz” in those “not nutz” bags and let the ensuing hooraw over that major mistake cover something else up.

Our next question comes in from Lisa B:

Is the man I am seeing Mr. Right?

Answer: Da Grounds are furry on that right now, Lisa. However, there will be three pivotal happenings that will tell you whether or not he really is Mr. Right or if he’s simply Mr. Righthereinfrontofyou. As you pass each of the three, you’ll realize that each one is a key to unlock the mystery. I can’t tell you which events they are because they’re cusp events and revealing them specifically could influence the Universe and ultimately mess up your destiny, and we just can’t have that.

Laurie over at Stranded in Suburbia asks:

Am I going to get a full time job soon?

Answer: Da Grounds say you could get a full-time job anytime in the next two months, but the true question is, “Do you really want to do the job?” While you’re really overqualified for frog-tending, it IS full-time given enough frogs to care for, and so it will be when someone makes you the job offer…

All right! BACK the amphibian UP, bitch! –Serra


What’s with the philosophical and existential bullshit today? Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? You KNOW you’re just spouting shit here.

Like that’s something new, stoopid?

Yeah, but NOW you DO sound like Miss Cunt-oh! Making folks believe you actually have a fucking clue when you and I both know you’d have to go buy one to really own it.

Fine, bitch. Now, can I get on with this?

Sighs…Yeah, fine. Just knock off the fancy-assed metaphysical baloney. We have an agreement and Martha’s old cellmate’s awfully lonely.


Next question’s from Amber. I like this woman’s blog—she’s not afraid to wonder the same things I do sometimes.

Will I ever fulfill my dreams to become the perfect wife and mother? Or is Donna Reed just an erie fantasy?

Answer: Da Grounds show the old adage is true. Nobody’s perfect, Amber. Not even YPF. Our personal salvations lie in the fact that we try our hardest, striving for that perfection, and the fact that we do our best is why we still receive our rewards. It’s when we quit trying that we truly fail.

I thought I told you—

Suck it, Serra! You know what I said is absolutely true, so bite my ass!

Ahhh, ok, you get away with it this time.

Onward and upward, we have Ian. Congrats, Ian, and I know you’re going to have a great wedding.

I´m trying to find a song for my wedding

any suggestion dear YPF?

Answer: Boy, I’m glad you didn’t ask Serra for this one—SHE wants THIS for her wedding music. Personally I think you might want to check out “Amazed” by Lonestar. Serra hates it but mostly because it’s overdone, but it’s a great one and more offbeat than “Here Comes the Bride.” Another good suggestion is some Bach instrumentals.

Our next question comes to us from Mona Buonanotte:

Dear YPF,

What am I getting for Christmas?


Answer: Oh, dearest Mona, I so severely DON’T think I’m answering that one! Santa would leave a lump of coal in my stocking and Sergei would sue me so bad I wouldn’t have a pit to hiss in! You’ll love it though, you know you will, all of it, and there will be sex either before or after.

Besides, Sergei already bribed us not to tell.


Hiya Moe!

Help Fiend, Help!

Will the P Group eva understand that the D vendor has other things to do for the B forms that prevent the P Project from being the top on the list every G.D. Month?

Or – when will they get a F’n clue?

A: G, MTM, u’ll have to spell it out. You know the P group thinks they’re King S on Turd Mtn. They only think that tho cuz the M Boss gave them a BJ and now they think their S smells like R’s and should be a new fud grp. So, F’em.

Our next query was posted by Se7en:

Dear YPF,

I was thinking about getting my hair cut short again, will I lose my herculean strength and sex appeal?

long haired freak

Answer: You know Serra’s partial to long-haired freaks, Se7en. She LUVS that running her fingers thru thing. YPF’s seen those pictures of you both ways, though, and you look excellent either way. If a bitch had to choose, though, I like you in the shorter hair—it really makes your eyes stand out, and you have excellent eyes.

Well, that’s it for another edition of Ask Your Psychic Fiend. YPF manages one more week not to be fed to sex-starved women. Now, go away–Serra just got “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” in the mail and we’re gonna watch it like three times, because Angelina Jolie is one of the few actresses in Hollywood that doesn’t leave us doubled-over and retching.


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