Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The B1tchsicle Version

December 18, 2005 at 10:00 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Hidey Ho Bloggers! It’s time once again for Ask Your Psychic Fiend, the popular game show where YPF sees how many of you she can piss off! First, the obligatory asswaiver, which you really should read, then onto the victims.

I meant contestants, really I did…oh, screw it—here’s the waiver:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. With friends like YPF, who needs enemas?
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don't want to be entertained by smartass answers, don't ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred spawn of Larry The Cable Guy who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch penisbiters like Miss Cleo and her ilk should have been smashed against a rock at birth.

And, first up is Amber!

Alright – I'm still annoyed with YPF for putting me in my place last week, but I'm going to try again.

Will Brad be getting a job anytime soon? He's driving me NUTS!! I can't surf, I can't blog, I can't read others blogs, because he thinks I'm addicted to the computer.

Up! Better go he just got back.

Peace,
A

Amber, you really should read the asswaivers posted with the comment and answers posts. This is playtime for Your Psychic Fiend, and if you’re going to take the answers you get to heart, maybe you should reconsider asking me anything.

Answer: I know how you feel, and I hope both you and Serra get this for Christmas. Men—they’re always underfoot when they’re not employed full-time, aren’t they?

Next up is Anonymous Coworker:

Christmas presents for cats is just crazy, right? They have no concept of ownership, much less surprise, or generosity.

Answer: On the contrary, ACW, cats own everything they see! Everything—including the people who are demented enough to think they actually own the cats. You belong to Sherlock, bud, not the other way around, so you best have an offering for the furry Godthing in your life. I don’t advise wrapping it (that’ll just piss the Godthing off) or putting it under the tree (then he’ll think the whole tree is a shiny, lit-up new playground made just for him). And too ostentatious an offering will make him think he’s being too nice to you and letting you make too much money. Just find a nice catnip mousie and be done with it.

Two warnings for cats and Christmas:

1. Don’t put the tinsel on the tree!!!! I don’t care how traditional it is, your cat could die from trying to eat it because it will either choke them by getting stuck under their tongues or from knotting their intestines.

2. Don’t give any of those nifty new toys treated with Catnip essential oil—cats can’t metabolize EO’s and it could raise Hell with their livers.

/end pubic service announcement.

Our next question comes to us from LisaB:

I love the PF and Serra – this rocks!

OK, am I going to have a fun Christmas Week and NYE?

Answer: Da Grounds show a major surprise, and even YPF won’t give away a surprise at Christmastime, but yeah, something will happen that’ll balance out all the bullshit that surrounds the season. Just watch out for the sushi.

Next up we have MoeThatsMe!

Hiya Moe!

Serra, quit throwing in shoutouts—you get the blog ALLLL the time, I just get one post a week. Bitch.

Oh, quitcher whining, YPF. If you had the manners Dog gave a puppy you’d get more time. And didn’t I give you a posting under your very own username? Aren’t I nice?

Yeah, yeah, but what have you done for me lately? Let me work in peace.

Fiend, oh Fiend.. my favorite Fiend
(can you tell I'm stalling cause I don't have a question that is not LAME!)

What do I want for Christmas? Folks keep askign me, and the only answer I seem to have is "World Pees" ~ to which they walk off shaking their heads… Help!

Answer: Da Grounds say they’re not visualizing what you’re asking for correctly. “Whirled Peas” they’d get. I’m sure you don’t want the whole world to piss at once…

Or do you?

Anyhoo, if they understand that you need fresh, sweet baby peas pureed to a pretty green sauce-like consistency, they’d totally understand you need a good blender to do that. Besides, candles are also a marvelous giftie for you, yes?

NEXT!

Hiya Clora!

Will I crack from being subjected to Winter Wonderland sung by 75 different singers at the mall?

Answer: Da Grounds show this going one of two ways, as it is a cusp event in your life. You will either sneaky-sneak into the room where those singers keep their stuff and hose the place down with Silly String, or you’ll quietly go find a latte and pour peppermint schnapps into it every time you take a sip. Either way, you’ll wind up feeling just a little bit better about everything.

Da Grounds also say combining the two will not help you when you go to court, but you’ll laugh harder about it all afterwards.

Our next victim is Brighton.

Let's see….will my Dad get rid of the restaurant soon?

Answer: Da Grounds are really fuzzy on this one, as your Dad changes his mind as often as he changes his socks. However, if he starts making noises about a deal where he lets LIG and her hosebeast pay as they go to buy the joint, commit him immediately! Da Grounds say there’s a chance that LIG has already proposed this shit to him and he’s thinking about it. He’s got better buyers awaiting his nice restaurant, so don’t let him piss it away on an ultimately doomed scheme.

Besides, that fucking LIG should be smacked with a Budweiser stein until she falls down.

YPF knows this is a hard question, Brighton, so she’s trying not to be a biatch about the answer. Seriously, don’t let him do something stoopid with the place.

Ian’s up next:

Am I crazy already or I should keep on waiting to hear voices in my head?

Answer: You’re not fooling anyone, honey. We already know those voices are your best friends and that you’re so used to them by now that you’ve sent them an invitation to the wedding. Just don’t listen to them when it comes to picking your ensemble for the ceremony. They’re just plain wrong about that. You totally should wear white, but the leather’s overkill.

Our next query comes from Se7en:

OMG, I'm late to the party! eeep!

here's my question:

Will you forgive me for being late?

signed,
better late than never

Answer: You know I’ll forgive you anything, Gorgeous Man! I’m late too so don’t sweat it.

And that’s the end of another fabulous bitch session! Have a good day, and I’m going to go watch Enter the Dragon and finish the Bebop DVD since Serra fell asleep on us last night.

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