Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The Unnatural Act Version

December 26, 2005 at 11:06 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Hey there, sports fans! Your Psychic Fiend here, and I did indeed have a Cool Yule! Serra’s brother is the shit–he sent her a french press for her morning addiction, and is that puppy ever SA-WEET! She now has only herself to blame if the coffay sucks, and you wouldn’t believe the way Da Grounds dance when they’re not all tied up in a stoopid filter! It’s great to have killer brew on tap whenever you want it, and thanks tons to Beo for the nifty giftie!

Now–on with the show, folks. Here’s the asswaiver:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. With friends like YPF, who needs enemas?
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred spawn of Larry The Cable Guy who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch penisbiters like Miss Cleo and her ilk should have been smashed against a rock at birth.

Our first brave soul this week is LisaB:

Question for PF, Is my work schedule going to be very busy in January 2006?

Answer: Da Grounds on the wall are writing a VERY long list, a very long list indeed! Along with the things you’re expecting and the tedium of maintaining your beautiful self, there’s a couple items Da Grounds put a star next to, things you aren’t expecting. They’re mostly good though, but do make sure your main mode of transport is well-maintained and that’ll help with the unexpected a great deal.

They also tell a bitch to tell you that you should make time for yourself—take your own ass on a “date” once a month! Even if it’s just a trip to some store you love but that isn’t necessarily what people think of as “you,” don’t neglect it. Just admit your love for the place and be done with it.

Our next question comes from Clora Clairvoyant, who happens to be Serra’s one and only Netflix friend. Isn’t that sad? Just one lonely soul on the Interwebnets will admit that they know the little schitzo.

BTW, if you’ll be willing to admit you know her too, her email’s serrathescented at gmail dot com. Serra really needs ideas for things to watch, folks—her queue’s only 702 movies long!

Will I get Jan. 1st off for my Hanukkah Bash, or will I have to work because I waited to long to ask for it off?

Answer: Da Grounds predict a little mini-doom on this count—you’re likely too late to ask off, but there’s a good chance you can sell your soul to the Cat and switch with a co-worker. It will definitely cost you, though—getting that day off is a plum that most don’t want to give up. Don’t promise sexual favors in return tho—that always ends badly. After all, if someone can only get laid by holding up pretty coworkers over days off, chances are they suck in the sack.

NEXT!

Hiya Brigadiere! Long time no hassle you! Is that Smiggins with you?

*ahuuurm*

*tap tap* Is this thingie working?? Ah good good. Right then! Ms. Psychic Fiendishness I do apologize for my recent absences to this prophetic plank of inquirity. Bewitching board of inquiry, that is.

As I’ve been away on extended holiday and have been unable to ask any questions I shall be asking two this time. One for myself and one for my man-child servant Smiggins.

Getting on with it all then:

1.) Recently I have become aware that I am being watched. Even during my most personal of moments! As a mostly law abiding denizen of this greatish nation, I ask you.. Why would anyone want to watch me make poo-poos?

2.) Smiggins would like to know why the various herbal poisons he’s been using to try to off me haven’t been particularly effective in getting the job done.

Yours paranoidedly on the pot,
Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Answers: Brigadiere, Darling, no one WANTS to watch you make dooky. However, it’s all part and parcel of spying on your every move…FYI man, alright. You could sit at home, and do like absolutely nothing, and your name goes through like 17 computers a day. 1984? Yeah right, man. That’s a typo. Orwell is here now. He’s livin’ large. We have no names, man. No names. We are nameless!

Shaking my head…That new voice in my head’s right though. Since you wouldn’t agree to be RFID chipped, you made the dudes in black suspicious. They’ve set up mondo surveillance on your butt; hence the feeling that you’re being watched. Soon as it’s possible to get a fake chip, do so and that raising of the hackles will go away.

Smiggins, you really should pay attention to YPF when she talks. Just remember what happened the last time. No matter what they tell you, Cannabis Sativa is not the Latin name for arsenic, you subservient dumbass! They only thing that’ll do is make it impossible for Master to pay your salary and he’ll have to rent out your orifices again. You won’t like it any better this time, I assure you.

Just knock off the dumb shit—you’ll only get caught and it’ll go harder on your orifices when you do.

Next up is Sloth. Hiya and welcome!

My cat is 17 yrs old and deaf. Is he going to die next year or what? 17 years! Enough already!!

Answer: You’ll miss the kittykitty when he goes, Sloth. Da Grounds are vague on when that’ll be, but it’s possible the little stubborn bugger will last another whole year. Cats are surprising that way.

Our next query is posed by MoeThatsMe. Hope you had a Cool Yule Moe and got lots of…cookies, yes, that’s it, that’s the ticket, COOKIES.

Oh Hurty Fiend, oh Hurty Fiend

How … wait.. that’s not what we’re here for…

Plz help!

What is the proper punishment for the co-worker that leaves a large box of chocolates in the lunch room, by the water cooler? And … what is the proper punishment for the individual (most likely a co-slacker) that removes the last bit of said chocolate and can’t be bothered to toss the empty box in the garbage?

Thanks Fiendy – Good thoughts and Wellness headed your direction.

Happy Holidays!

Answer: The giver of such heinous hunks of human heaven should have their salad tossed thoroughly. No, that’s not a punishment—it’s knowing that during the horribleday season the body becomes accustomed to random sugar infusions and when they’re not available people get edgy and annoying. The thoughtful camper who left a little box of pickmeups by the water cooler did a pubic service, and in return should receive one.

The assbag who failed to remove said box post-excavation, however, should be taken out and shot.

Now.

Seriously, go do it.

I’ll wait.

I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’ve got…BANG…Thanks.

Next up we have a question from Cass.

Will I ever figure out how to get the flickr button thingy on my blog? Or will I be tormented with it? Oh, and will Serra relly share her booze if I come over and wrap her presents?

Answer: Screw it Cass, and go get a Photobucket account. They’re free, and once you upload your pics you get three different codes for use in posting to your blog. Even a brain-dead fogy like Serra can manage to post her own pics that way. Seriously, if this stoopid bitch would ever join the 21st Century I’d drop my teeth! She’s still pissed that Nintendo doesn’t support her Super Nintendo! How old is THAT bucket of transistors anyhow?

Here, now…where’d I put the cinnamon EO? –Serra

Hastily adding…Isn’t Serra just adorable people? SOOO retro!

That’s better. Stupid ho.

Oh, and not only will Serra share, she’ll tend bar in the raw to get someone to wrap presents for her. Hates it, she does.

Next question’s being asked by…NOBODY! That’s the last one!

Whew! One more need to suck up to Serra and I’d just lose my mind…Anyhoo, folks, thanks for being so patient. The back is still raising Cain but Serra will hopefully start getting caught up slowly but surely.

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