Lessons I wish Had Been Learned #2

January 7, 2006 at 12:36 pm (The Enlightening Ones)

Lesson #2:

Telling your Mommy on me doesn't change anything.

Corollary: Neither does tattling to Honey.

I've done my best to get this one through your (Garand's) head. If you have an issue with something I do or don't do around here you should tell me about it. Don't go running to Mommy when you think I'm not around. This only does two things.

1. It distresses your mother. Perhaps you don't think she has enough to micromanage when she's spending hours staring at me and trying to think of new things for me to refuse to eat , but your assessment is inaccurate. She's kept plenty busy worrying that my plus-sized ass is starving to death in her house, telling the dogs things they simply don't understand, bitching about you when you're not around, and watching Home Shopping Network (so she can ship back what she buys as soon as it gets here). Your inability to discuss your issues except when it will do the least amount of good just gives her more to fuss about. Instead of discussing them with me during the 20 hours a week you spend at work, she waits until Honey gets home and discusses them with HIM. Hence, the corollary to the lesson.

2. You're lousy at actually doing the "Behind Serra's Back" thing. Every time you start in with the, "Don't tell Serra, but.." bullshit you're getting famous for, I'm actually within earshot, even before the 200-decibel whine starts. Yep, that's right, I can hear you throughout most of the house. The loud whining is even easier to hear when your voice's pitch climbs up near that range where only the dogs can hear you.

HINT: When the Beagle starts howling every time you open your mouth, you sound even less like a man than usual.

Grow a pair and talk to ME when shit bugs you–your blood pressure will take a nosedive and perhaps you can quit stuttering every time I talk to you. You know my name too, Garand. Use it once in awhile. Referring to me as "her" while you try to stealth-bitch doesn't raise your stock with me one point. There's people I like a whole lot better than I like you (yep, that'd be you folk who read here) who don't know my name but they've got the nerve to tell me when they disagree.

Side note: Folks, I've tried actually talking to these people about the issues contained in these lessons. The result is a whole lot of fingers in ears and singing "Lalalalala" as they walk thru life. Posting here may not change matters (unless I've got a subconscious desire to be found out posting here, which I suspect may be true), but it does let me vent. Thanks for putting up with it.

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