The 2005 Darwin Awards

January 11, 2006 at 7:44 pm (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade, WTF)

My favorite time of year is here–the list of the four most ridiculous accidental deaths have been released here at the Darwin Awards website. As the website says, “We salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it. Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously.”

This year’s recipients are:

1. The newest recipient of the “Most Likely to be Shot by His Own Troops” Award goes to a Second Lieutenant in Switzerland who thought a surprise lesson in hand-to-hand combat was totally the best thing to do immediately after a live fire exercise. The Looie was shot by one of his own soldiers as he sprung a suprise knife attack on the guy. Gee, good thing he’d trained the guy so well in how to turn the safety off on his weapon in case of sudden attack, now isn’t it? We could also call this award the “Don’t Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight” Award. Awarded posthumously, as all the best Darwin Awards are, since the single shot ended the officer’s life.

2. This winner truly earned his Darwin Award as well as the “Tim the Tool Taylor” Award for Home Maintenance Errors. Seems an enterprising soul in Croatia decided to make his own chimney-sweeping tool. He had nearly everything when he realized that his broom was far too short to tackle the job. Once he’d pondered, he figured that if he attached a chain with a weight welded to it to the broom, he could handle the job with no problems. As happened on “Tool Time,” though, the job blew up in his face as he welded a fucking grenade to a chain for the apparatus. I don’t think so, Marko.

3. In the Jon-Erik Hexum category, a Vietnamese man decided that a rusty old detonator couldn’t hurt anyone. In fact, he was so certain of this fact that he had his buddies hook the two wires dangling from the explosive to a 220V outlet. As Emeril would say, “BAM!” and this dumbass met his Maker on the way to the hospital for treatment of injuries resulting from a blast that blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth.

4. Finally, we have one of the rare deaths caused by a Lava Lamp. A 24-year-old man in Washington, for reasons unknown (since there were no witnesses, no drugs or alcohol involved and no way of knowing what was going on in his mind), put a Lava Lamp on a stove and turned the stove on. Police found him dead with a shard of glass thru his heart and absolutely no explanation of why he tried heating the lamp over an open flame.

I don’t see any 2005 Honorable Mentions, but the 2004 ones involve a pair of fishermen who can’t tell the difference between the hole for the gas tank and the one for the rod holders and a group of soldiers too damned dumb to find out if that white powder is poisonous before using it. [Turns out they’d powdered their noses (inside and out) with Thallium.]

As wonderful as I think it is that past and current honorees have seen fit to excuse themselves from adding to the population of the planet, I could still argue a case for arranging such accidents for those who stubbornly refuse to fuck off and die. True, it would do no good since it’s not likely to be legal any time soon, but it would amuse me and let me practice my debating skills.

A girl can dream, can’t she?

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