Raised by Wolves Poster Child of the Week

January 15, 2006 at 10:28 am (Raised by Wolves)

I’ve read a couple of posts about the new candidate for Governor of Minnesota, Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey and just couldn’t see that anyone would seriously make claims such as being a vampire (Sorry, Jon…may I call you that? Tough shit–I’m going to anyhow), a Satanist and owner of two covens (link link Since when does anyone actually OWN a coven? I thought they were run differently, but what do I know?) and still expect to be taken seriously as a candidate for Governor.

I thought it was a publicity stunt. Shows you how much I know.

I had originally intended to take an objective view of Sharkey’s candidacy, but I just can’t type when I’m laughing so hard tears are coming out my eyes. Most of the material I cut consisted of nicely explaining that no matter how many times a Student Council candidate claimed he was putting a hot tub in the caf, it NEVER happened.

NEVER, Jon. That’s how your issue points and your solution to them come across.

Having said that, let’s also state the obvious: This man’s a fruitbat of the highest order, an absolute nut goodie, and if he thinks his blood-sucking ass will be living in the Governor’s Mansion or the White House, he’s been Raised By Wolves.

Duuuuude. Seriously. There is no way in Blue Hell that you will ever be elected to either Governor or President. There’s a couple reasons for that, and I’m surprised you didn’t think about them before blowing all that cash on the nomination papers.

1. You’re a Witch, a Satanist, and a fucking Vampire! (Don’t correct my spelling, Jon. I know you spell it Vampyre and I just don’t give a rat’s ass.) If you’ve been involved with politics practically since birth as you claim here, then you know as well as I do that even the most lily white of hearts is blackened, either with truth or with lies, during a political campaign. You even spell out how it’s happened to you personally in other failed campaigns. Not even the state that elected Jesse Ventura will allow you to govern it.

2. People just aren’t going to buy the impalement shit, Jon. Personally, I’m pissed off that you left my assbag neighbors off the list, but even the most extreme left-living folk aren’t going to believe they’ll someday be able to view bodies on pikes outside your mansion. Not only does Minnesota NOT have a death penalty statute on the books, no state in the Union has one allowing impalement as a legal way to execute Death Row inmates. There are too many pivotal legal changes that must come about for anything you’re using as talking points to ever actually happen.

3. Announcing that you’ll be leaving the office of Governor (should enough Ecstasy fiends actually show up at the polls with enough concentration to vote you in) two years into the term of office to pursue the next step in Vampire World Domination is not going to help your candidacy, not even a little bit. It’s kind of like applying at McDonald’s and telling them you’re already scheduled to start at the Wendy’s across the street next week. I wouldn’t hire you at Mac and Don’s Supper Club and I doubt the voters of Minnesota will hire you either.

All that said, I think your candidacy will get a lot of attention in the coming months.

Pointing and laughing is attention, isn’t it?

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