Ask Your Psychic Fiend: The Swearing in Chinese Version

January 20, 2006 at 10:24 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Howdy everyone! Welcome back to Whiplash Smile for another edition of Ask Your Psychic Fiend.

This week was purely awful. In the week since I’ve been allowed to blog last, I’ve been shoved into a flannel thong, had my hair cut into a mullet, been douched with Orange Spice essential oil, mailed in a cardboard box, been strip searched three times, then dipped in honey and turned loose in Cellblock C at Alderson Prison. The women there took one look at me, threw my ass in the shower, and shoved me, soaking wet and mad as hell, BACK in the fucking box, marked it “Return to Sender” and here I am, home again!

Guess that woman whose nipple I bit off won’t forget ME for awhile, will she? Serra’s really going to have to step up her game if she wants to punish me.

So, let’s get started—on with the asswaiver and the fun:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. With friends like YPF, who needs enemas?
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by Your Psychic Fiend’s wiseassed interpretations of coffee grounds thrown at the wall, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those demonic disciples of Pat Robertson who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, stupid-whore assbags like Miss Cleo and her ilk should have been smashed against a rock at birth.

Our first question is from Anonymous Coworker:

Ooh! This is where I ask two questions to make up for last week.

1) They’re not going to convict me for what I did, are they?

2) Would there be any benefit to me revealing my identity?

Answer: Da Grounds of Awesome Augury usually only let YPF answer one of your questions per week, but it’s my turn on the blog so the rules can piss off.

Answer #1:Yeah, they’re going to convict you. But then they’ll find you “Not guilty by reason of Nogification and sentence you to community service, where you’ll work at the cat shelter as a personal valet. Take the flea repellent along and you’ll be just fine.

Answer #2: You MUST stay anonymous, for many reasons. First, it’s the hook to your blog, no one knowing by reading it who you are. It gives you more artistic freedom than most bloggers get, so why futz it up? Second, there’s that domain name you bought—if you’re not anonymous anymore, that’s sort of oxymoronic then. Third, you could get seriously Dooced over some of your past entries, and that would just suck. Who would Serra read that I like THEN, huh? She reads a lot of blogs, but never lets me comment, the bitchbag. Sometimes I make her comment tho—she just doesn’t know it.

Hey—I’m only a bitchbag when you’ve earned it, YPF! –Serra

No, you’re a bitchbag all the time. Seriously, can’t you take meds for that?

Sigh…Just do what you’re supposed to here or I’ll truss you like a turkey and toss your ass in Garand’s room for a week.

You wouldn’t.

Don’t bet on it, slutball.

Uh, ok…on to the next question….

Seamus asks:

Is this false Spring gonna last – really – everything is leafing and coming out of the ground – even my attitude!???

Answer: It might, but chances are slim. Da Grounds says it’s very likely you’ll get slammed hard one last time this winter, so don’t count the buds before May.

Next question’s from Clora:

Now that I know I’m not pregnant, will people still read my blog?

Answer: Yep, they’ll read yer blog, because within six months you’re going to have another preggers scare. That’s what happens when you do those “parties” that men who pick you up on the strip take you to and forget the condom check…

Glaring from Serra

Uh, I mean, of course they’ll keep reading you Clora! House of Snark’s a great blog, written by a great upstanding member of the Vegas community, and you’re hot to boot. Who’d dream of NOT reading you, I’d like to know…is that better, Mistress Serra?

You forgot to tell her that if she wants to promo her blog, Blog Explosion’s an interesting place to go do it.

Oh, ok, Mistress Serra. Clora, it’s a great place to do it. Honestly.

MUCH better, YPF. Keep up the good work.

I’m trying very hard not to flip Serra off…Garand’s room? EW!

Next question is from LisaB:

Hmmm, have I met the man of my dreams? And has he met me?

Answer: Since Da Grounds show perfection only exists in dreams, it’s difficult to say you’ve met the personification of all you seek in a man. However, it’s YPF’s conceited opinion that you’ve met a damned fine one, well worth the time and effort. Da Grounds advise taking things as they come for the time being, and letting the coming cusp event lead you from there.

There you go again…sighs…with all the mumbo-jumbo like you’re a real psychic or something…

Serra, you KNOW there’s a fork in the road coming—it’s right there in Da Grounds.

Yeah, so SAY that instead of trying to audition for the online version of the Psychic Fiends Network.

Fine. Whatever.

Excuse me?

I mean, “Yes, Ma’am. Did I mention how lovely you look this morning?”

That’s better.

Our next question is from SpiderWalk aka BunnyWalk for our arachnophobic reader. You can quit scratching now, MooCow.

lol! This looks like fun. I can’t resist

If I forget what my sins are when I go to pray…will they still be forgiven??

Answer: Boy, that’s a loaded question if I ever saw one, SpiderWalk. Isn’t acknowledging that what you’ve done is actually a sin part of the forgiveness process? Or is that only true with religions that practice regular confession of sins? Seems to YPF the best answer is that only you and the Deity you pray to can be certain of what is and is not forgiven, since Da Grounds don’t really deal in theology. YPF would tell you go to Ask Blog Jeebus but he’s out of the blog business, at least for now.

Sorry, that’s the best answer I can give you, since I don’t know who you pray to or what set of teachings you believe in. Mostly Ask Your Psychic Fiend deals in the precognitive, not the theological.

Next up is Indri:

Am I ever going to use the rock tumbler my old boyfriend gave me because he knew I liked shiny rocks, or is it time for me to give it up?

Answer: As with all treasure, that call’s in the eye of the beholder. Da Grounds honestly don’t see you pulling it out for use anytime soon, but they also show that if you park it on a table at a garage or yard sale, sure as shit someone you know who shows up will bitch that you’re getting rid of “such a nifty thing” and try to make you feel bad for parting with it. Unless it’s your child asking you to keep it and try it out, fuck ‘em, feed ‘em carp. YPF personally thinks every kid should get to check out a rock polisher at least once in their kiddiehood, but anyone else who feels you should keep packing it away and kicking it around in the box every time it’s underfoot is either a member of the household Serra and I live in or is just as bad a packrat as they are.

In either case, they should be confined to a 10X10 space and only allowed to keep the shit that fits in there with them. It’s the only true punishment for a packrat—forcing them to either live with no room or to rid themselves of some of their useless shit.

NEXT!

Hiya Se7en—good to see you back.

Dear YPF, I can’t seem to remember my question, can you tell me what it was? And then provide the answer as well?

Signed,
Brain Dead in NO

Answer: Da Grounds know the question as always, and YPF has to admire the way your mind works. First, don’t go quite so fast—increase intensity slowwwwly. Second, DO wear THAT. It really shows off your ass and you look hot.

YPF! You tell that nice man the TRUTH and I mean NOW!

Fuck you, ho—I’ll say whatever—

NO! Tell him the truth NOW.

Fine. Bitchass hobag.

Se7en, Da Grounds show that you’re seeking, but they really don’t know what of the three specific trains of quest you meant to ask YPF about. Just because YPF wouldn’t mind seeing you in something leather, sexy and tight across the ass, it doesn’t mean I should encourage you to do it. It’s really not nice of me, and…

Now you’re just laying it on thick because you know you’re in trouble. Stop it and behave.

Sigh…OK, Se7en, don’t forget your blood test appointment.

And that’s all the….THUMPTHUMPTHUD…mrrrfurrf fffffoosnt

Hi, folks, Serra again. That’s all the time I’m going to let YPF show her ass on my blog this week. Since she was nasty-assed to people four times, she’s going to spend four hours in Garand’s room…

MMRHFFF MMRRRRFFGGGGGGGG!

Yes, you are, you snotty little rat-assed dipshit! He doesn’t work today, so I’m sure your punishment will be quite, um, interesting, don’t you think?

HFNNNNRRRRRRR!

Tough shit—maybe next time you’ll do as your betters tell you to.

That’s it folks—see you next time.

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