Ask YPF: The “Is This the End?” Version

February 4, 2006 at 1:27 pm (Your Psychic Fiend)

Howdy Howdy all, and welcome to this week’s edition of Ask Your Psychic Fiend. I think Serra’s asleep (she woke up far too early when Honey’s alarm clock went off) so let’s get the asswaiver out of the way and get to the fun.

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. With friends like YPF, who needs enemas?
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by Your Psychic Fiend’s wiseassed interpretations of coffee grounds thrown at the wall, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those demonic disciples of Pat Robertson who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, stupid-whore assbags like Miss Cleo and her ilk should have been smashed against a rock at birth.

Our first question is from Mona Buonanotte (does Buonanotte mean “Good ‘n’ Naughty in French?):

Dear YPF,

I’m so sick of politics, I could shit boulders. Can you gaze into your crystal ball and see when this ickiness will end??

Love, Mona

Answer: Good question, Mona. Once the Presidential erection is over, the election will be held, then will be another election (btw when’s Grandholm due to shill for votes again?), then it’ll be yet another wind-filled sleazebag, then another…you get the point. This is America—by the time we’re sick of one set of nutjobs it’s time for another batch of knob-polishers.

The only thing that will end the cycle of vote whoring will be a religious dictatorship, something we’re dangerously close to as things stand now.

Next up is Mike, who seems to have forgotten whose blog he’s tried to give orders on.

What’s the growth rate of an eyebrow?

Don’t ask….I get to ask….but not you….lol

Answer: Fortunately for you, YPF already knows why you’re asking this question, and those of you who don’t know can just go read his post and find out.

Additionally fortunate for you is that YPF actually found a serious answer to this one, over here at Paula’s Choice. Gee, I love Google. To quote:

Hairs on different parts of the body have variable rates of growth. It takes about 64 days for eyebrow hair to grow in after it is plucked. However, the length of time can be longer if the hair or hairs you want to grow back are in their resting phase. At any given time, 90% of the hair on your body is in a resting phase where it has stops growing, falls out, and then starts growing again. If that’s the case (and there is no way to know which hairs are in the resting phase and which aren’t), then the length of time can be far greater, so you need to be patient. There is an exception to this: if you have been tweezing the same area for a long time it may be too late. Eyebrow hair is very sensitive to injury. Repeated plucking can permanently damage the hair root, which will prevent the hair from ever growing back.

If you want to know how long it takes pubic hair to grow back, you’re on your own. Fucked if I’m going to be caught dead searching that one! Who knows when Google’s going to cave to the pressure of surrendering their search results in the interest of letting the Government snoop on what’s none of their business.

Next up, we have another question from Vince:

YPF,

I need you to predict the sucess of my new CD (available via link on my blog and website). Also, will you promote it for me? I’m sure sales would increase dramatically if you endorsed it.

Answer: The success of your CD is something that YPF isn’t allowed to reveal—Jeebus would cry if I ruined the surprise for you, dude, He really would. Since He’s gone thru all the trouble to work out how this is going to go down, He’d not be pleased if I just skipped over the next few months and went for the reveal now.

As for plugging it, I haven’t got speakers on the computer yet, so once I get them on (or kick Honey in the ass hard enough to convince him that he can get off his butt and do it like he promised two years ago) I’ll go check it out and put in a good word. Meanwhile, here’s the best I can do:

Yo—everyone! Vince has a great new CD out, Voice of the Spirit, available on his website! Inspirational music and a good cause combine with talented, dedicated guitarist Vince Franco’s guiding light to bring you an album full of excellent music. Proceeds go to charity and I can’t wait to be able to listen to this myself! Get your butts over and check it out!

Vince, Serra promises she’ll do a full post as soon as she’s able to get her music fixes once again.

Our next victim is LisaB:

Hello YPF! This is what I am wondering…

Is my big client from last winter going to call me again soon?

Answer: Yeah, but make sure and ask double for that client’s session—you remember how awful his request for you to pour honey in his hair and lick it off was, don’t you? And make him fucking SHOWER before he makes you give him oral this time too! Personally, I’d tell someone this disgusting to make a date with another call girl before I’d take his…

YPF! You horrible little BITCH! How DARE you pick on LisaB! You know Se7en’s gonna kick MY ass while you’re not in possession of the body for this! Do you need another time-out in Garand’s room? DO YOU?

Aw, blow it out yer ass, you lazy dipshit! You know he said I wasn’t any fun cuz I wouldn’t help him whack…

SHUT UP! NO one needs to picture THAT shit! I will put you back in his room, and this time it’ll be overnight! And I WON’T come get you when he figures out that you have a snootch!

Sighs…Fine, fine, I take it back.

I’m sorry, LisaB. That client is considering a call, but it might be awhile before he makes up his mind.

There, Serra—are you FUCKING happy now?

Maybe. You just behave yourself and we’ll think about that trip to Hades you’ve earned.

Fine, slime. We’ll go talk to MoeThatsMe then:

YPF –
Will there be one month in the next 18 that there will NOT be an issue with the M/E processes?

Thanks, MTM

Answer: Nope. You haven’t made the proper sacrifices to Shiva and Kali to have that much fucking luck yet. YPF recommends animal sacrifice–a chicken will do if you can’t find a homeless person…

YPF…you’re pushing it!

If we ignore Serra, will she go away?

Nope.

All righty then! Next up we have a question from Julie:

YPF~

Will George Bush ever see Brokeback Mountain?

Answer: Yeah, but even being forced to watch it bent over a sawhorse with a ballgag in his mouth while rednecks sodomize him won’t make him admit that he likes it. However, Laura’s going to really wonder about his new, private DVD collection consisting of Buck Angel videos…

Next up we have Ian, who’s under 30 days away from being taken off the market! Those of you who lust after him best hurry up!

dear YPF
Will I ever stop watching Brokeback Mountain?????

Answer: Who can possibly stop watching anything with Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal? Besides, Ang Lee can do no wrong—he makes awesome pictures and I wish there was a theater closer that’s showing Brokeback Mountain because I haven’t seen it yet.

There, Serra! I was nice to everyone else—now, let’s talk about that

THUD! MMFFFF!!

Serra here again, folks. I just shoved YPF into the butt can while I decide how long she’ll be a guest of Garand’s House of Filth and Pr0n. I wonder if Honey’s got a d100 lying around anywhere?

Thanks once again and next week we’re going to talk about Ask YPF and whether or not it should continue, so get your opinions sharpened up and stay tuned!

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