The Married

February 27, 2006 at 9:56 pm (Funny Shit, Rant Goodness)

Honey and I were having a conversation that started with a comment about this news article on Channel 4. He said something about chasing married women around, how it’s not very bright and how he’s never done it. I told him I hadn’t knowingly ever chased a married man, and the conversation (oh, so bright and intelligent at the start) devolved…well, see for yourself:

Honey: Why did you go out with him if he was married?
Me: I didn’t KNOW the silly fuckhead was married–found out when someone else told me, and that was the end of it.
Honey: What?
Me: What the hell would I ever have wanted a man who was married but not to me FOR?
Honey: I dunno…trails off as I start ranting
Me: Seriously–what fucking good would a married man do me? He’d never be around when I actually needed him, he’d be with WifeyPoo…
Honey: What about…
Me: Just busting back since I was on a really good roll and I knew he’d put up with it because I was naked…So he’d do me exactly no fucking good whatsoever.
Honey: How does a married man hit on another woman anyhow?
Me: Usually it’s the “but the sex will be awesome” bullshit that all men try on every woman they want to sleep with.
Honey: Does that work?
Me: Not on me. Shit, I could get spectacular sex with unmarried men. Hell, technology has advanced to the point that if I can’t get great sex with an unmarried man, I can do it my damned self!
Honey: True, true.
Me: Getting it on with a married one would just be annoying. Married men chasing strange tail is like a fucking disease.
Honey: Huh?
Me: Yeah! I used to think about those guys with capital letters in my mind, like “The Married.”
Honey: Whut?
Me: Still nekkid, still on a roll…Yeah, they’re like having a disease. I’d think “I’ve got The Married chasing me,” in the same tone as I’d think “I’ve got The Measles” or “I’ve got the crabs.”
Honey: Being married isn’t like a disease. People tell me it’s nice.
Me: Sure, it’d be nice with a man who was married to ME, but with a man married to someone else, having sex with them would be like having crabs–annoying, irritating, and a real pain in the ass to get rid of.
Honey: Oh.
Me: Dealing with someone else’s husband wanting your body is like having syphillis, only a simple shot isn’t enough to get rid of him.
Honey: So, you’re saying when we get married you’ll still want me?
Me: Sure, about as much as I do right now, Honey.

He didn’t look happy about that for some strange reason that probably has a lot to do with his mother’s penchant for snoopiness and there being a little pervy boy with his bedroom directly across the hall from ours.

It’s afternoons like this that I’m grateful that her hearing is failing and that Garand has to work once in awhile to support his porn site subscriptions.

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