New PBS Pledge Breaks

March 9, 2006 at 11:13 am (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade)

I lucked into a great program last night while paging thru the DirectionalTV program listings. Without stopping to look at which station was carrying “Monty Python’s Personal Best,” I flipped over to watch it. After about 20 minutes of zany madcap slightly filthy British humor, I was RUDELY interrupted by…

You guessed it (maybe from the post title?). A pledge break for the Detroit area PBS station.

Yay, rah.

As I kept watching, praying for the interminable pledge breaks, complete with stupid blonde who can’t pronounce Gilliam and stupider balding man who can’t get a Python quote correct to save his eternal soul, something occurred to me.

While watching the list of Pythonesque goodies I could get if only I would donate $500, it occurred to me that I’d give $50 right then if only those two dipshits would shut the FUCK up! That’s when the idea I should sell to PBS hit me.

They’re doing this all backwards.

No matter how insipid, stupid, ignorant or just plain bland the hosts of the pledge breaks are and no matter how fervently I would wish for them to be struck dead with a seizure of tasteless facial expressions, I do eventually know that they will soon shut up and let me get back to the Dead Parrot Sketch. That is where PBS is screwing up.

Here’s the new plan: PBS should BEGIN the program section that is advertised for pledge-breaking annoyance with the HOSTS, not the funny and good PROGRAM they’re trying to raise money to carry. You see, if this segment BEGAN with, “Hi! We’re your gag-inducing hosts, Suzy Creamcheese and Guy Dilhole. You’re stuck with us until you send us enough money to put Monty Python’s Flying Circus in this time slot. We’re going to stay here, annoying the living piss right out of all of you, until you all call in and pledge enough money to fund this program,” they’d have those on-the-fence (and on-the-dole) viewers so sick of them within 10 minutes that they’d have every cent it costs to show Monty Python on PBS.

I can imagine how it would go (sliding sock puppets onto hands while trying to convince the cat that they’re not her new claw toys):

Suzy Creamcheese: Hi, I’m Suzy Creamcheese, and welcome to PBS’ pledge drive.
Guy Dilhole: I’m Guy Dilhole and Suzy and I are going to keep you company until we’ve raised enough pledge money to actually show you Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
SC: We used to show parts of the actual program during these drives, but you freeloaders were just here for the high-brow programs and wouldn’t cough up enough dough to let us show our station logo, let alone a full series of obscure British humor.
GD: That’s right, Suzy, we’re going to act like we’ve actually seen this excellent program but show that we actually don’t know Michael Poulin’s ass from a hole in the wall.

Offstage director shouts, “That’s Michael PALIN”

GD: Sure, it’s Palin, Mr. Director, but since we have to motivate Viewers Like You to give us money, we’re going to mispronounce and misquote our way through this script until we hit our goal.

OD: Oh, yeah, I’d forgot about Operation Irritation

SC: You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached.
GD: And now, so that you’re completely aware of what you’re missing, Suzy and I are going to totally screw over the best sketch comedy available today, the “Dead Budgie Store”

OD: Dead PARROT SKETCH, you useless loony.

GD flips off the OD and begins…

I’m mercifully drawing the curtain here, since the ensuing massacre would be both NSFW and rated X by the Motion Picture Association of America and would have PETSP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Sock Puppets) all up in my grill. Personally I would not be able to keep myself from poking a pin deep into Pamela Anderson’s fake tits (which would get me beaten up by Tommy Lee), so I’d best avoid them if at all possible.

See how much more effective that would be? Wouldn’t YOU dive for the phone, just to stop these two shitbricks from ruining all memories of sneaking into the TV room for a dose of “The Ministry of Silly Walks?” Even though I actually know where this station’s studios are, know they’re not far from where I live, and know that a 12 gauge shotgun would certainly make that bitch quit saying “Jillun*,” I also know it wouldn’t be well-recieved to have an incident of this sort broadcast. The FCC would probably double the fines given to CBS the time Janet Jackson showed her nipple to the world.

I’m not mentioning the jail time I’d get. Making that male host from last night get “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” correct would be totally worth it.

*Don’t get all “Oh no she di-unt!” on me. Oh, yeah, she went there, and went there badly.

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1 Comment

  1. Whiplash Smile » Blog Archive » SWLTS: 30 Minute Bloopers said,

    […] See what I mean? So, since my overactive, oversnarky mind just doesn’t shut the fuck up sometimes, I’m starting a new feature for the blog. I’m calling it “Shows We’d Love to See.” Those of you who laughed ’til you wet yourselves at my PBS Pledge Drive variation might just like this one. […]

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