Ask Your Psychic Fiend #29

March 15, 2006 at 9:46 am (Your Psychic Fiend)

Howdy howdy hi and welcome to Ask Your Psychic Fiend! Yes, folks, Serra finally untied my unhappy butt and is letting me blog again.

Where have I been? Um, let’s not discuss that. The psychiatrist says it’s not good to rehash it unless he’s got me deeply sedated due to the horrible trauma.

So, with that, remember that the usual rules apply:

As you begin your journey with Your Psychic Fiend, please keep in mind:

1. It’s Psychic FIEND, not Psychic FRIEND. With friends like YPF, who needs enemas?
2. All answers are for entertainment only. If you don’t want to be entertained by smartass answers, don’t ask serious questions. Hell, don’t ask questions at all—anyone expecting serious answers on Ask Your Psychic Fiend Day will just piss themselves off.
3. The ONLY offense intended is to those inbred spawn of Larry The Cable Guy who pretend to have psychic gifts in order to make a buck and run up your phone bill. I have the utmost respect for those truly gifted with the sixth sense. I can completely respect folks who accept money for readings of Tarot and other divination arts, as honest, respectful and caring clairvoyants who serve a purpose in the Universe. However, lying-bitch penisbiters like Miss Cleo and her ilk should have been smashed against a rock at birth.

And now let’s proceed with Question #1, from Two Drink Girl (anyone ever told you you’re a cheap drunk, TDG?)

My Question is: Is this it? Will this finally be my time?

Answer: Yes and no. Without spoiling the surprise, just do be careful of gifts bearing Greeks, Greeks bearing gifts, and any man who calls your period time “Greek Week.”

NEXT!

Hiya Mr. Fabulous! Thanks for the following question:

Dear YPF,

I don’t always have to wear underwear to church, do I? Does Jesus really care if I go commando in his house?

Answer: While masturbation makes Jeebus cry and kill a kitten, He really doesn’t give a shit if you go commando in His house. Just be certain that your religion doesn’t show by wearing loose trousers, skip the CBT restraint and, if you simply MUST scratch your balls, try to make sure no one’s looking.

Cassarass has joined the party too! Hiya! How’d the move go?

Dearest YPF,

Will I EVER get a day off to organize my damn house? And will I ever get it organized?

Answer: If you do get a fortuitous extra day off, it’ll be because something excremental happened that you will have to deal with instead. Instead, you’re going to have to rely on thinking up a good excuse to call in sick for a day and use it to get things straightened around. When you do, don’t give in to the temptation to go play instead, because it will never fail that the day you do this will be gorgeous outside and you’ll want to go enjoy that instead.

Our next question comes from Mona! Gee, Mona, I’ve missed you SO much!

(little tiny whisper) help meeee…it’s horrible heeere!

Dear Psychic Fiend,

I drink a lot of water everyday. Like 120 ounces of it. (No, I’m not diabetic, I just play one on tv.)

Now, I pee a lot, too.

My question is, how much water does my body burn off, that doesn’t go out in pee?

Also, can I drown my brain if I drink too much water?

Swimmingly,

Mona

Answer: Depending on activity level and season, the amount of water you lose to sweating and drooling can vary, but it’s not a great deal except in hot weather and during heavy exercise. The amount you’re drinking is pretty healthy, but I don’t know that I’d push it due to the next answer I’m giving you.

It is possible to drink too much water—it happens quite a bit to folks on Ecstasy and who have other conditions that make them feel thirstier than their body’s need for water accounts for. If you aren’t careful about how much you take in, you can throw off your body’s electrolyte balance, resulting in problems with the heart and brain function. I don’t think you’re at this point or near it, but I wouldn’t say to up your intake of water either.

So—be healthy but don’t be silly about it

Our next question is from LisaB:

Will I be traveling a lot in the coming months?

Answer: Yep, you will! Some for business, and occasionally for fun. On all trips, don’t forget the necessities: American Express card, fun money, duct tape, and a really hot leather outfit.

What? What’s wrong with making sure you take credit cards?

Sheesh, some people!

NEXT!

Hiya Brigadiere! Great to have you back.

Dear Ms. Fiend, Esq.,

I believe my dear man-child servant Smiggins is trying to off me again. Poor bloke hasn’t quite figured out that I’m nigh-indestructable. He’s becoming quite exasperated with my tenacity towards lifedom. Betwixt the strychnine tea and assorted booby-traps he’s placed about the grounds he’s become quite the pooper of the party. Is there anything you might do to bring about some cheer for poor Smiggins?

Yours in bedogged immortality,
Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Answer: This one’s directed to Smiggins: Just skip this part, Brigadiere.

Dude, the Brigadiere’s found the RFID chip you stuck up his ass! You’re sooo busted and he’s shoved it up yours instead! Poop that puppy out and next time put it in his asscheek so you can make sure it’s still there every time you have to kiss his ass.

OK, Brigadiere, you can look again.

Smiggins really isn’t trying to kill you—he really didn’t know Bitter Almond is poisonous. You know him, Brigadiere—all almonds are edible as far as he’s concerned.

Just ignore that bitter taste in your Madeira, all righty?

Our next question comes to us from MoeThatsMe.

If I had bonus monies – no word yet, but it don’t look too good – what would I spend it on??

Answer: Even though you want to spend it to restart that meth lab since the po-po busted up your last rig, don’t! The cats are ratting you out, and they’ll just tattle again soon as you blame that awful smell on their litterbox again.

Next up we have Mike:

Will my wife ever let me get another cat?

Answer: Well, if you hadn’t sodo—

YPF! You know what happens when you talk like that here.

Heavy sighs…Yeah, I do, but look at Da Grounds, Serra—you KNOW why he can’t get another cat, it’s not like I’m lying or some shit here…

Too bad—people think everything they read on the Interwebbnetz is real and we’ll get all those gross-assed search engine hits again if you type that crap out.

Fine. I won’t type it out then.

Mike, you know why you can’t have another cat, and I know why. Just because I can’t type it out doesn’t make it go away. Why not get a nice gerbil for felch…

STOP IT!!

Geez, Serra, you’re no fucking fun anymore.

You’re not the one who has to check the hit meter either, YPF.

OK. Mike, I think it’s time to turn to pets you’re not perverted about. Geckos, perhaps. They have that nifty Aussie accent, you know.

Fucking no-fun Nazi bitch Serra…

Anyhow, next up is Christine:

Who is behind this particular ISP that keeps appearing on my site reports?

Answer: Last time that happened here, it was our own ISP—turns out we’d forgotten to block our own ISP when it changed IPs for us, and for a week we were stalking ourselves and Spider Walk too! Check to be sure your own IP isn’t showing on your hits, then hit Geektools to find out what you can. Once you’ve done that you might be able to figure out who your guest is.

Our next question is from Jesster:

Is the new Doctor Who on the Sci-Fi Channel going to be any good, or am I just setting myself up for disappointment? And on a related note, please tell me that I am not the world’s geekiest chick…not that there’s anything WRONG with that…

Answer: It’s really too soon to tell. However, Tom Baker’s the best Doctor and no one else can hold a candle to him. However, Da Grounds show there’s still a place for a passable Doctor and here’s hoping we finally get another one.

As for being the geekiest chick, Serra’s got you beat—she’s an Admin at an MUD! It doesn’t get any geekier than that, Jesster. Now send us a Caribou card—the new ones are purrrrty!!

Next up is a new seeker—Cat, from Cat With a Pen, a great site. Welcome to the nut farm, Cat. No offense, but I’m sure you’ll fit in nicely. You’re smart, funny, and so are you and you…

Shut it YPF—that’s rude!

Of COURSE it’s rude, Serra—you expect NICE after you made me watch Garand for a month without even being able to SCREAM? By the way, I’m going to get you for that, so don’t bitch when a refrigerator box full of acrylic yarn shows up.

But, you stupid cow, I don’t use acrylics to knit with!

Exactly. Now piss off—I’m working here.

Here’s Cat’s question:

Will I live in Colorado for the rest of my life like I hope?

Answer: Da Grounds (our form of augury here, mostly because the coffee sucks so bad if Serra doesn’t make it herself that she throws the grounds at the wall in protest) say that in a moderately-distant future will appear a cusp event, one which will force a decision on your location. There are a lot of factors that will alter the total balance between now and then, so don’t get wired out about this (especially since this prediction is based on utter bullshit) just yet. It’s entirely likely that by the time you reach the cusp, one choice will be so out of the question that the decision is very clear.

Just allow things to naturally progress for the time being.

Our next question is from Se7en, who’s apparently home again. Hope you had a great vacation and that the next one happens soon.

No, I’m not telling you when—that’s in the “I’d spoil the surprise if I told and Baby Jeebus would cry” category. Besides, you didn’t ask me, so nyah, and here’s your question:

Hi!! My question is: “Will I get run over by a bus or will it be a train?”

I just gotta know!!!

p.s. Thankyew for the nice comment at my http://www.charmskins.com site!

Answer: You’re more than welcome for the comment—unfortunately I’d hit it while credit surfing so I didn’t get the URL—if you want to put it in the comments, go ahead.

As for your question, The Answer is…

Neither one.

I’m not telling you what will hit you (another “surprise”) but I’m willing to tell you if you guess right—but you can only guess in questions for me, not in other post comments on the blog. Serra reads everything y’all post, but I only get out once in awhile so I tend to fergit unless it’s in that one set of comments she lets me read myself.

And so, once again we come to the end of another Ask Your Psychic Fiend. Thanks for all the fun and we’ll do it again soon!

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