Why not?

May 2, 2006 at 9:01 am (Pop Culture on Parade)

American Idol is in its four or fifth season now (who can remember which, they're all starting to run together now) and something finally dawned on me last night as I watched a commercial for this week's shows.

Each season they bring in several guest artists. This season has featured Queen, Rod Stewart, Andrea Bocelli (and am I the ONLY dumbshit who didn't know he was blind until I watched him awhile?) and Stevie Wonder. Let's see, they're paying assloads of money out for royalties to songwriters PLUS forking over huge bucks for these megastars to appear and do clinics, but they have a prime example of the perfect someone to tell these total unknowns how to be a star no matter how small your talent reserve is.

It's Paula Abdul, folks.

Paula managed to become a star in spite of the fact that she didn't sing perfectly. She was cute and could dance, and she parlayed that into three albums and SIX #1 singles. Yet she just sits there with Randy and Simon (I still want the job of being the one that pisses on his pancakes and ensures the trademark snark every day), getting more loaded as the season progresses, spouting such inanities as "You gave that one your all," and "Oh, Simon, shut up." She doesn't actually WORK, which I think is a big part of why that glass in front of her is highly unlikely to contain bubbly water, unless of course that "bubbly water" was made by monks in the Champagne region of France.


So I propose something to the producers of American Idol–get Paula off her ass and literally on her feet–make her perform once a week! You already have bands booked, you have backup singers, you have to dress the bitch anyhow, why not just get a little more out of Drunky McSlosherson and have her do a song once a week?  Her body of work isn't enormous with only three recorded albums, but you're already forking over big ching for royalties from all these superstars who make appearances, what's one more song for Paula?  Giving her more to do just might take her mind off the pretty boy contestants, how much she hates Simon, and give her less time to suck up the sauce. 

It just makes sense to me. She may not be the most awesome talent on the planet, but she got substantially more than her 15 minute allocation of fame off a bubble skirt and a mediocre voice.  Let her show people like The Mink how it's done downtown.

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20 Comments

  1. MoeThatsMe said,

    Might be worth watching AI to see Paula in a saucy state.

    Or not. Sorry, just can’t force myself to become one of the sheep watching each week, but I like your suggestion.

  2. monabuonanotte said,

    Can Paula sing and dance anymore? I mean, she is OLD, and maybe that’s why she sits behind that table, ’cause her ass has spread like butter on a biscuit and her voice sounds like someone strangling a cat.

  3. Vince said,

    Not that I watch AI or anything, but I think they should make Paula sing and dance and then have Arsenio Hall sit in her chair and “evaluate” her performance. That would be a riot!

    “Hey baby, do that move you showed me while we were having wild sex that one time. You know, the one with your leg behind your ear.”

  4. Serra said,

    Moe–Nope. She’s a stoopid boring drunk.

    Mona–I dunno, but it’s gotta be better than watching what she does now.

    Vince–Ooooer, there’s a GOOD idea!

  5. Croaker said,

    Welcome to your new home.

  6. Lynx said,

    Anything has got to better than watching her sit on her ass and take a ride on her own (poorly acted) emotional roller coaster!

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
    Finally got a new post up for today if the first one didn’t bore you to death! 🙂

  7. vanessa said,

    Most “stars” are not very talented. They just ssigned good contracts with the Devil.

  8. vanessa said,

    Most “stars” are not very talented. They just signed good contracts with the Devil.

  9. Brighton said,

    I watched that show for a bit the first season, I just couldn’t keep up with all the petty stupidity. And “they” can turn virtually anyone into a star with the right marketing.

  10. Mr. Fabulous said,

    Oh yeah, she is obviously flying high during the show. I want some of whatever she’s having.

  11. pissy said,

    Paula is an embarrassment to herself and that show.

  12. Laurie said,

    I’ve never liked no-talent Paula, and that is just one of the many reasons I have never watched AI.

  13. The Ultimate Groupie said,

    Paula Abdul was good for that decade. Yes, she is a bad singer, but her style suited the time then. I get tired of her niceness on the show sometimes. I half expect her to break down one day and start to punch Randy and Simon. Maybe all the alcohol is keeping her nice and calm. Sometimes you can tell she really wants to say something bad, but just can’t do it, and you almost want her to just come out with it.

  14. Jeremiah said,

    Paula is the only reason I watch that show. Her progressive slides into profound incoherance is just pure entertainment. So, anything that will get her more air(head) time, I’m calling in and voting for!

  15. KellyLove said,

    My favorite thing about Paula Abdul is the parody of her that Amy Poehler does on SNL. Classic. I guess that would make it my favorite thing about Amy Poehler and not Paula…

  16. Serra said,

    Croaker–Thanks very much!

    Lynx–You’re not boring 🙂 Once my brain reassembles itself from the fragging it took while doing errands today I’ll comment.

    Vanessa–Exactly why Paula should be stepping up each week. She already knows all the rituals and it’s her duty to pass them on.

    Brighton–I have to watch it like people watch train wrecks: I know it’s likely to be bad but I just can’t look away.

    Mr. Fab–Don’t bogart, dude, pass me some.

    Pissy–too true.

    Laurie–They need to replace Paula, but I hear that she’s already signed on for another 5 years ~gag~

    Ultimate Groupie–I’m waiting for the day she slaps Simon upside the head. THAT’LL make all the agony of watching people like The Mink slaughter Queen worthwhile.

    Jeremiah–I hear you. I didn’t suggest it because I’m dying to hear “Forever Your Girl”

    KellyLove–I’ll have to try to deal with SNL and see it sometime. SNL used to be a must-do, but I’m old enough to be from the era of John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd, Jane Curtin and all the limit-pushing fun times.

  17. angie said,

    Genius!

  18. Karen Rani said,

    Hey gorgeous! I fixed the link in my new sidebar…congrats on your own domain. All the cool kids are doin’ it. LOVE the WordPress, don’t you?

  19. se7endog said,

    Hiya Serra! I don’t know a damn thing about AI so I’m just saying HI!! So this is your new home huh? Just so happens I have one of these WordPress.com blogs myself! LOL

    🙂

  20. angie said,

    Oops…did I forget to say I was going to link to you? I thought this post was so funny and figured other AI fans would think so, too. Hope you didn’t mind the extra hits. 🙂

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