May 11, 2006 at 12:25 pm (Fuck off and Die Thursday)

This week's Fuck Off And Die post isn't dedicated where you think it might be. Tempting tho it is to nominate the man I've spent the last eight years with, I'm doing my best not to turn this into Emo on Parade Blog. So, this week's FOADT is dedicated to the people who MUST be skewing the results of American Idol.

Yeah, yeah, sure, they say it's all based on the voting exactly as America calls it in. I'm not buying it. Nope. The last two seasons have definitively proven that someone's rigging this bullshit, and this week I cordially invite them to FUCK OFF AND DIE.

I don't know specifically who is doing the rigging, mind you. The producers are a very likely suspect, naturally, because they benefit the most from being able to keep people watching. I can just hear the production meeting now:

Producer 1: Well, it's Monday night–time to decide who's getting shitcanned this week.

Mumbling that sounds like a mouth is full issues from under the table.

Producer 2: No, McSuckme, you're not getting voted off the island. It's not that kind of thing. I told you that last night while I was ass-spelunking in your hotel room. We have to remove one of you, but there is no island.

Mouth-full noise that sounds like Kenny saying, "Okay."

Producer 3: Can I have her next? These herpes lesions really make it hard to get any these days.

Producer 1: No, when I'm done with McBoobies you can have her. I don't need your herps coming back to haunt me, thanks. Now, you know we can't vote off McPhee, oooooh! Right there! As I was saying, we can't vote her off, so who then? Elliot?

Producer 3: No! None of the others will toss my salad!

Producer 2: It'd help if you'd wash it before you ask–it works for me.

Producer 1: So, that leaves the other two. And that bald guy really doesn't suck right.

Producer 3: Won't suck me at all…

More mumbling from under the table

Producer 3: 2 already said that. So, then, the bald guy…what's his name again?

See? It's just too easy to make the case for the producers being the ones who are fucking over the results voting. So easy, in fact, that I'm not sure they're the ones doing the dirty deed. It could be the accountants that are supposed to tabulate the votes and make sure there's no cheating–one good payment and a blowjob would keep one of those guys on the payroll all season. It could be the band–they hate working with someone one week, the next that person's GONE. Could be…oh, hell, the list is endless. I don't think Ryan's on it tho–he likes everyone.

My personal vote is Simon. At one point or another this season, he's hated on every one of the contestants. He's also got the perfect personality–I can just picture him climbing up a duct to get to the phone line boxes, wire cutters in hand, ready to make one of the contestants disappear. Hell, he probably does it at random, just to create drama. He's probably also the one spiking Paula's bubbly water with Valium. Did you see him last night, arms around her while she tried to jump out of her skin?

That's because she hadn't had enough water yet and she was bugging him batshit. Can't say that I blame him–she's bugging the shit out of me these days too.

Wanna participate in FOADT? Go see the Professional Redhead.
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UPDATE: In additional news, what I've suspected all along is verified



  1. Vanessa said,

    Your scenario with the producers is great. I can just picture it.

  2. monabuonanotte said,

    Oh Chris’ll be alright…up to his nips in cash, record deals, and free…uh…female attention.

  3. monabuonanotte said,

    Oh but yeah, of course, it’s rigged…hasta be.

  4. Guru said,

    Wow, what an imagination you have. That producer meeting was cracking me up.

    If only Chris would have sucked off the guy with herpes lesions, my day today would have been fine!

  5. Serra said,

    Vanessa–Yep, I can picture it, and the conspiracy theorist in me says that right there means it’s likely not the producers doing it.

    Mona–Yep! He’s going to make someone an assload of money someday.

    Guru–This is mild 🙂 Be thankful you don’t know what I think my ex’s mom is doing right now. And yes, one simple knobjob and I wouldn’t have anything on AI to bitch about.

  6. Oob said,

    Very nice, indeed! McBoobies… classic.

  7. Deb_LA said,

    LMAO! I know! I have to tell you though from a “trusted source” that I heard both Chris and Taylor are total assholes personally. They both got really big heads pretty fast and act like dicks back stage…which sucks because I love Chris’ voice and it doesn’t hurt that he is sexy.

  8. Ian, a Handicapped Bitch in rehab said,

    well, I´m not sure about the blowjob theory…

    There´s no blowjob like a Gay blowjob…

    we know what are the buttons we must touch…cuz we have the same equipment…

    and the gay was kicked off the island…
    no.. there must be another thing…

  9. pissy said,

    I know Chris has a great voice, but I never really liked him….not sorry to see him go. I HATE Taylor and will stop watching if he wins!

    Loved this post!

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