Havin’ a Party

February 28, 2007 at 1:46 pm (Daily Dookie, Soaping and Knitting)

If you’re a fan of Contemporary Candles, keep an eye peeled here–I’m going to run an online candle party starting Monday March 5! The candles are awesome, scents are slammin’ and the service canNOT be beat. The last time I ordered from these folks I had my candles three days after putting in my order.

The great part is all you will have to do is put my party number in the space in the shopping cart–I’ll post it on Monday–and they handle everything else. Your order ships right from them and you’ll probably have your candles long before the end of the party, which is midnight on March 19. This crew makes the Tupperware lady look slow and weak–I’m positive you’ll love their goodies as much as I do.

If you’d like an invite just leave me your email addy in the comments and I’ll shoot you one.


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To the sorry-assed spammer…

August 8, 2006 at 11:57 pm (Daily Dookie)

…who’s been attempting to comment all evening:

Hiya, spamming fuckbag at!  Go suck someone else’s ass–deleting your spam comments is getting boring.


The Mgt.

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Donations thank you this week

May 19, 2006 at 9:40 am (Daily Dookie)

Just a quick post until later.

I'd like to give my heartfelt thanks to Moe That's Me and Rick (link posted earlier this week) for donating to get me out of this house.  You both brought tears to my eyes, and I am humbly grateful for the help.

The donation total stands at $45.00. To donate to me via PayPal, my addy is serrathescentedNOSPAM@gmail.com.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart. 

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Monday meanderings around my mind

May 15, 2006 at 10:09 am (Daily Dookie)

It’s Monday, after a day that I don’t usually handle well (since my daughter lives with her dad), and there’s a few things going thru my mind:

  • What does a mom who doesn’t do chick flicks do for television while she’s isolating herself from the world? On Mother’s Day, HBO, Cinemax and even Starz and Encore are rife with the best in chickflickdom. Ew. First, she seeks shelter in a Mythbusters marathon–thank Dog for those two nut goodies. The catch was that the marathon only lasted until 8 pm. After that, the Queen of NoChickFlicks has to resort to her limited DVD collection (since finances forced the cancellation of Netflix goodness), hitting The Crow until something more suitable appeared on TV.
  • What part of “I’m not in the mood for company–I really need to be alone today,” and “I’m really pissed at your mom–doesn’t she understand the meaning of ‘hang up, I have it?'” did Honey not get last night? Yes, the roses were nice for a Mother’s Day gift, but the hassle I had to go thru in order to speak to the daughter who called me yesterday (precious beyond price) really undid the good the roses did.
  • What possesses your mother to cook beautifully fresh organic asparagus until it’s mush? She does the same shit with pasta, and claims she’s “just following the directions.” There’s no fucking directions on asparagus that grew in the yard, so where does the “cook it to death” come in? Blech! The reason my supper plate was clean was due to flushing the asparagus–I couldn’t stand the smell of it any longer! I know, you’ve told her, I’ve told her, I’ve printed out Food TV directions that told her, so it’s not like she doesn’t know. She even watched me cook it correctly about four years ago and the hint STILL didn’t take!
  • MAJOR thanks to Rick, someone I don’t even KNOW, for contributing to the Get Me out of Hell Fund. I like to cry happy, and this did it. You have my most heartfelt thanks.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Notes from all over my head

April 23, 2006 at 12:47 pm (Daily Dookie, Housekeeping)

Well, folks, it’s been a week again. A strange, interesting in spots week. But mostly, it’s just been a week.

First, it’s time for housekeeping, which I’ll do here once this post is made. I might make a Housekeeping post; I might not. I will be adding and subtracting as usual, so leave me a note in the comments if you either want to be added or subtracted. The blogroll is HUGE–I knew this even without the nice review Melody Blue gave me, but I hate removing anyone.

NOTE: If you want to tell me how to put all the blogs in the blogroll into a handy little pull-down, my email’s in the profile. I want to do a remodel around here (been nearly a year since the last) but haven’t quite scraped the bucks up for it. That one little thing tho I really would like to do before that, so if you can tell me how, feel free. I’m also considering a move due to reasons I can’t go into just yet, so it might just all get done at once. UPDATE: I’m writing an update after the umpteenth time I tried to publish this fucking post. This show’s going on the road once I get my new digs figured out.

I actually got to do three funsy things this week. Thursday was lunch with Honey and a buddy of his. I’m not exactly crazy about the buddy but it was nice to just get out and see the sunshine for a change. The details are boring so I’ll spare you.

Friday’s funsie was more fun–dinner at a restaurant that featured fabulous sushi, with Honey, Ghostie and BooBoo (it’s Ghost’s suggestion, M–I couldn’t come up with a better one, so you’re BooBoo). I finally figured out what the hell it was I’d had at a Christmas party the restaurant catered–Beef Tatami, so I had that, shrimp tempura (HUGE-assed shrimp, Dog Almighty!) and my first try at a soft-shell crab. Wonderful stuff, the crab was. I was highly impressed. Guess I’d always thought it might be icky, but it turned out fabu. We weren’t the most obnoxious diners, but we came close as usual.

Saturday was a post all in itself–I decided to take a run over to Ghost’s new digs to give him some of my nice pain balm for his messed-over knee. Nice place, and BooBoo has nice ferrets. I’ve never been nuts about ferrets because they reminded me of elongated rats, but these two are just adorable and well-behaved and snuggly and clean, so I could deal with petting them and cooing, “oooh, lookit da FACES! Pretty little FACES!” when I get the chance.

Well, time to get something done here, but I’ll be back later with the post about why I hate driving around here.

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Alive and Hating It

April 3, 2006 at 11:21 am (Daily Dookie)

I know, what else is new?

Well, Friday is a new one–I tripped over my own two fucking feet and stumbled down my front porch stairs rather than descending them in a ladylike, elegant, poshly-scented manner. Shit. This left me hurting for Ghostie’s visit to my area yesterday. Turns out he’s moving here and I couldn’t be more tickled. Well, I could, but the things that would do it are things I just don’t blog about, so no details for you.

I met the reason he’s moving here too–a totally great lady who still needs a nickname here, as I seldom give real names on the blog. I reserve such searchables for those who earn the notoriety (read: those I really think the world ought to be warned about). She’s really fantastic and I don’t know why she wants our little Ghostie, but if she can stand him she’s welcome to his ass.

Today I finally got everything packed for a great Secret Pal surprise someone asked me to do (sorry, no names of the person who put the order in, since YPF isn’t the only one who won’t spoil the surprise) and since they turned out so purty I’m putting a pic both here and at the business blog:

Image hosting by Photobucket

I did the bags in Night Blooming Jasmine, and the other thingy is a Soap Sack–lets you use your favorite soap until it’s truly gone, instead of just until it’s small. I have those in the white, blue and lilac and have plenty on hand. Head on over there to get details.

Today is errands, including printer ink, smokes, and the steak I’ve been craving. Either that or I’ll hit Taco Hell again hard since that sounds excellent too.

Have fun–I know I will…ow…ooch…shit…


UPDATE: So many of you said you’re interested that I’ll let the soap sacks go at the sale price of $1.75 for anyone mentioning they found me in blogland. Max quantity will be 5.

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How does he keep forgetting?

March 23, 2006 at 11:46 am (Daily Dookie)

I hate being sick. Yeah, I’m sick. Again. Again with a respiratory thingy.

When I’m sick I have two options for places to go–the computer room, where I desperately need a new chair because the one I have has been abused for almost 8 years now, or the upstairs bedroom, where I don’t have computer access and when I’m between Netflix fixes there’s just what DVDs I have on hand and TV to watch.

Last night was option #2–I’d been sitting here and couldn’t take it much longer, so I repaired to the relative peace of my bedroom, where a fight that had been brewing with Honey took place, then more peace and quiet. So, I’m sitting there, watching Kiddie Hour finally end on American Idol (Bye, Kevin, it’s about fucking time you went home), when the little pile of trash needing to go out (happening today, since Trash Day is tomorrow) started rattling.

Shit. I know this far from the more populous areas you get an occasional mousie, but they don’t usually venture to bedrooms when there’s no food for them. What else would that…


What in the FUCK is making ALL that noise? That’s too much for one little stoopid mouse.

Thumpsmack…as I try to make a scary noise to make the scary noise go away.

RATTLERATTLErustlerustle…what the fuck is that…grey…mouse-shaped…




I damned near burst into tears of relief as the little mouse-shaped thingy (that I totally missed the claws on) morphed into a grey fuzzy kitty, complete with laid-back ears and dirty, put-upon look. Honey chose that moment to burst into the room, yelling, “What…where…I’ll save you…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Your cat is a stupid fucking mouse-ignoring piece of shit, Honey. She just scared the shit outta me.”

“She’s your cat and…”

“No, Honey, YOU picked her out, remember?”

Stoopid fucking cat. Wonder if she wants some catnip?

What? She was annoying but entertaining, so she ought to get a reward.

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Suggestions, Please!

February 21, 2006 at 9:12 pm (Daily Dookie)

As those who know me well know, I hate the dentist. It is not the simple, “ooh, that drill’s really annoying and so is the burny smell,” hatred. It’s the “I once had an assbag dentist who thought shoving a bitewing x-ray pad directly into an abcessed tooth was a brilliant idea. It took everything I had not to mutilate his genitalia,” hatred. Thanks to this guy and a couple others, I now panic anytime I need anything dental done. Like now, when I have an abcessed tooth.

But I’m not going, mostly because I don’t have an assload of spare cash to hand someone to pull the two teeth fucking with me right now. One side has an abcess; the other has a cracked tooth. Around here, that’s likely $500, just enough to pay the shitsmear’s course fees for the month and enough left over to give his mistress a new bustier for him to tear off while whimpering, “Mommy, mommy.”

Meanwhile, I do know a few strategies, a couple of which the FDA Nazis wouldn’t approve of, so am employing those. They’re working, slowly. Meanwhile, I’m living on tomato soup, Instant Breakfast, fake mashed potatoes, chocolate pudding (fat-free, and not by choice–someone fuckered up getting pudding for me), and other low-impact munchies.

I must add here that I’m getting seriously fucking tired of tomato soup, Instant Breakfast, fakeme taters, puddin’ (yes, ESC, it’s possible to get sick of it) and the other low-chew-quotient foods. So, I’m opening this post’s comments up for suggestions. Keep in mind that I’m bitchier than usual, so smartasses may find themselves shitcanned should they choose this point in time to blow me shit.

Yes, Ian, that means you. You’re included too, as are you, you and you.

No, I didn’t forget you–you’re just too nice to pick on my sorry ass right now, right?


That’s what I thought.

So–give me ideas on what to eat. I got so desperate for something else to eat today that I made the mistake of trying to eat a carrot muffin. Damn, walnuts hurt when you’re not expecting them.

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Housekeeping and general update

February 9, 2006 at 12:36 pm (Daily Dookie, Housekeeping, Other Bloggers)

Hi, all. Time for some housekeeping (I refuse to say "blogkeeping" because it sounds annoying to think it, let alone type it out). Strap in–there's a bit of material to cover and I don't want this to be a huge post. I have bitching to do tonight after this.

1. This week's renter–I don't have one right this second. The "rent this inch" is up over at BE; hit the thumbnail to go get it. If you're really highly interested in renting space here, scream in the comments so I know to look for your ass in the avalanche of bids.

2. New blogs in the blogroll–Vince at Ramblings and Musings gets an apology. I thought I'd added him eons ago, but no, so he's in this week's update. Anything Goes is Inana's home on the Net, excellent reading and very smart lady. No, I will not fix your computer is Beagle heaven today–go look at the most recent post–awww, FACES! Purty little Beagle FACES! I'm not going to explain Fruit Loops and Porn to you–that title alone should make you want to click yer butts over there and find out for yourself.

Angela's Updates is the blog of a soaper I know, started after the fire that turned her home into a total loss. This lady's had crap to deal with that'd make the Pope say "fuck" and I really admire her grace in handling everything shooting down the shit sluice at her right now. She could use an unusual sort of hand right now, so do check this post especially, since we're at massively low resources right now and I can't even help her with her one request. The best I can do is bring it to the attention of those who may be able to help, and this I do right now. Go look and help if you can.

Ask Your Psychic Fiend is going to become a less regular feature here at Whiplash Smile. I love it, you love it, but once a week is just a huge job. You're feeling the strain of coming up with the questions; I'm feeling the drain of coming up with new ways to punish the bitch that lives inside my head. Currently she's tied up and being forced to watch Garand do whatever he does in his room. All I'm hearing is muffled screams, so he hasn't thought about the fact that something with a snootch is tied up in his room and is at his total mercy. I'll keep you posted on further developments.

I think that's it for now–I just noticed Blogger's about to have a "scheduled outage" so I'll bitch tomorrow.

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Forks in the Road

February 6, 2006 at 1:28 pm (Daily Dookie, Housekeeping, Other Bloggers, Uncategorized, Your Psychic Fiend)

It’s the weekend, and I have a couple of things on my mind.

First–Scott over at Scooter’s 9th Green is still my renter, and well worth the click on his thumbnail over on the sidebar. I picked him because his tastes in music and media are much different than mine, and I’m not under the illusion that you all 100% agree with a woman who has bought only one album recorded after 1990. He’s good reading so go check him out.

The other matter on my mind today is Ask Your Psychic Fiend. Mostly, I’m wondering if you’re all getting bored with this one. I’m finding myself running out of ideas, honestly, but I seem to find new ones when I need them, so it’s only a secondary issue as far as I’m concerned. I’ll dig out what I need to if I keep writing Ask YPF; the real question is “Do you really want me to?”

I refuse to start a survey–it just reminds me too much of skank-assed soapers who have to keep checking their personal popularity by setting up polls like, “Should I ever wash my stank ass? Yes/No/Why–you smell perfectly like roses no matter how many years it’s been since you’ve actually used soap” Please, just put your opinions in the comments for this post. I’m going to stick it to the top of the blog for 24 hours, so everyone gets a chance to see it.

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January 19, 2006 at 7:52 pm (Daily Dookie)

Well, it's been a day. Some good, some painful.

It's day 2 of a migraine for me. It's either a migraine or some asshole kicks me in the head when I'm not looking. I got halfway thru something I needed to do, but will have to finish tomorrow, and spent the rest of the day wondering why my right eye is watering and trying to catch the little kicking bastard. When I get hold of him he's going in the can YPF normally haunts.

I did get a package UPS today, which was very welcome. I got the replacement flask for my press pot. Once again I am allowed to escape the brown water substituted for coffee in this house and can get back to goodness. YAY! And just in time for Ask YPF tomorrow. She is back, by the way, and I'll let her tell you about it tomorrow.

I'm heading back to a cool washcloth, some Peppermint EO on a cloth (the Peppermint-Lavender blend I usually use is making matters worse, which is very strange), and Disc 2 of Season 1 of Firefly. I love having it commercial free–too nice! It's tops on the DVD wish list now.

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It’s Official!

January 9, 2006 at 2:01 pm (Daily Dookie, Soaping and Knitting)

JoAnn can suck my poshly-scented snootch! I found the Holy Grail of knitting, right here in Southeastern Michigan! I am officially no longer ever EVAR forced to enter the den of iniquity that is the JoAnn store in Novi or the nest of vipers that is the Brighton store. I do not feel the need to cuss about the Two Stories of Doom or the Yuppie War Zone. Instead, I heartily hork a loogie in both their general directions! Their mommas wear combat boots. Their mothers are hamsters, and their fathers smelt of ellllderberry! Now they shall go away, before I taunt them a second time-h!

Today, I visited The Knitting Den in South Lyon, and am kicking myself for waiting this long. I’d noticed it on Lafayette Street, but hadn’t had the time to stop in or the inclination to fight traffic to get in the driveway. It’s set up in an old house, renovated to handle the ooodles of yummy yarns, tasty tools, and gotta-haves for the knitting fiend. If there’s a yarn you like to work with, they carry it–alpacas, wools, merinos, silks, cottons…I could have made a serious dent in my wallet if my back hadn’t gently explained to me that more roaming around the store would make it start shrieking filthy names of pain.

Long story short, The Knitting Den is a wonderful place to get tools (VERY reasonably priced), accessories, yarns, patterns, pretty much anything to do with knitting. They do hold classes, for which I asked to be sent a schedule, so I can learn to do the fun things I’ve been seeing online. I’ll definitely be going back there after drawing out only the cash I want to spend and leaving checkbook and credit cards at home.

Yep, I’ll only take in what I can afford to not have when I walk out, just like I do when I go to a casino. I won’t be walking away empty-handed, true, but I won’t be tempted to spend the rent either.

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Ginger and Bloggin’ Biznatches

January 2, 2006 at 3:51 pm (Daily Dookie, Other Bloggers)

Well, less than an hour after I posted my “Rent My Blog” offer I have a renter! Please go give Bloggin’ Biznatch a look. I like her attitude, the template’s very nice and I’m looking forward to adding her to my daily reads. Thanks, BB, for renting space here.

Last night, I was upstairs trying to block out the latest round of high-pitched bitching about who watches what on the downstairs TV (I really have to talk to Honey about that tendency of his to let his voice get into the “Only Dogs Can Hear” range when he’s upset) when I caught an episode of Mythbusters. I like the show–it appeals to the mad scientist in me. One of their segments came to the conclusion that ginger works for motion sickness–I’m surprised that I forgot about that nausea cure. I think I’ll swipe Honey’s box of ginger Altoids and give them a shot. Wish me luck.

*Note to the natural-cure folk out here: Don’t use Ginger EO, use the fresh or dried root–the essential oil smells like moldy, aged ASS. I used to soap a blend of Ginger EO and Orange EO; I sorta liked it but just didn’t get the effect I wanted. I continue to lust after some Ginger CO2 extract so I can get the scent I want.

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I Knew It

December 29, 2005 at 9:36 am (Daily Dookie)

They’re not really fixing the streets. They’re just moving the holes so that motorists can’t memorize them.

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Just Shoot Me

December 28, 2005 at 7:27 pm (Daily Dookie)

Right about the time I figure I can’t possibly feel worse, I do. This time it’s gastroenteritis–feels like someone’s fed me arsenic-powdered cookies every day. As I’ve been a slave to boudoir and bathroom, I think it’s best that I take a holiday break from blogging. If I find something funny once I stop feeling like the kids from Flowers In The Attic, I’ll post; otherwise don’t expect anything until the New Year.

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December 17, 2005 at 7:28 pm (Daily Dookie)

Well, I went pseudo-shopping. I say pseudo- because no shopping actually got fucking done. I’m cold, wet, tired and mad as hell, so I’m going to go curl up with DVD copies of some Cowboy Bebop episodes and the Serenity DVD and do Ask YPF tomorrow.

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December 6, 2005 at 5:23 pm (Daily Dookie)

I'm up to my bodacious hooters right now finishing a knitting order, so the blogging will be less until Friday, my target ship date for this order. Meanwhile, there's a raft of folk blogging their brains out over there on the sidebar, and I'll post the Ask YPF posts as usual this week.

We haven't done the Mentos Fountain yet but Honey's plotting it as we speak. There will be pictures if the camera and download software cooperates.

Love y'all and I'll be back very soon. Sooner than you want, probably.

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Tuesday Morning Quickie

November 29, 2005 at 8:29 am (Daily Dookie, Soaping and Knitting, The Enlightening Ones)

Hi, folks,

This is just a general update, just so you know Silly Scented Serra shits her pants one leg at a time, just like everyone else…

~SMACK~ Get back in the can, YPF–it's not Friday yet!

Anyhow, Project Shining Soap (you know the one–the one where all four of us work together so that I can make soap in the kitchen like I was promised months ago) is progressing a tad faster. I've refused to tell anyone in this house what I want for Christmas until I've poured a moldful of Peach Green Tea, so there's been a little action. I'll keep you updated on progress here. Phase II will be tested the next time Honey brings six grocery bags into the house and I kick his ass if they sit around more than five minutes.

I spent most of the day yesterday trying to get Garand's porn machine working–turns out it was so full of spyware, uncleared caches and in such sick need of a defrag that his widdle puter just wouldn't stay online. He'll be spending his next day off eliminating redundant software. I doubt he'll see max performance ever, since his #1 activity is running around pr0n sites, but hopefully it won't be as bad as it was. In return for giving his pr0n machine so much attention, he lifted a finger around here last night–smacked Honey upside the head for me, just once. Little does he know he's going to be lifting a LOT more than that today when I go ballistic on the kitchen again.

I actually got to do a bit of cooking over the weekend. I made a gallon (literally) of Beer Cheese Soup Saturday. It lasted less than 24 hours, mind you, but I ate very well that whole day. I also started a batch of Kahlua, which looks promising so far but I might have put a tad too many vanilla beans in (I doubled them). We'll see what the final result is. I also filtered out the batch of vanilla extract I've had brewing for the past several months–turned out yummay!! I did an 8 oz batch in an old DiSaronno bottle, so we have plenty for a long time to come. It's much stronger than commercial vanilla, no sugar added, and I find I don't need to use nearly as much.

I'm nearly done with Honey's balaclava. I did manage to get the face hole knitted in right thanks to help from the owner of the website I found the pattern on. Elmore-Pisgah's Black Watch cotton self-striped into a nice but not blinding pattern, so it's looking VERY cool! I'll post pics once it's done–Honey may have to download them out of the camera, but he'll love his burglar mask so much that I shouldn't have to kick him in the ass more than twice. Evil Science Chick's stitch markers worked wonderfully–easy to use, no snags on the yarn or the knit, and I still want to make earrings out of them.

I've also been working on another washcloth order, in and between doing some for Katrina survivors. The group I'm working with has sent out over 1300 to shelters around the country. I have a boxful that I haven't sent yet but think I'm going to send along with some quilt squares I did for Squares 4 Survivors. I've had to set the squares aside for now, until the balaclava's done and Christmas is a little more in the bag, but I'll be picking them up again soon.

I'd write more, but there's only so much anger I can write down before you all catch onto the idea that I've lost my mind in more ways than I want to admit here. I'm going to just say that the happiest I'll have been in a long time will be the day we move back into our own place, if our relationship lasts that long. Between not having my own place for the first time in many, many years, having no car and being so voiceless (much as I'd love to tell everyone off, I have no choice but to live here and I can't let my mouth get me kicked out) I'm not sure I wouldn't have already packed the car and left all this if I were able to.

As I write this, the most perceptive life form in the house jumped into my lap and demanded scritches, so I'm going to go kill things over at http://www.pqcomp.com and pet my cat and hope I feel better sometime soon.

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For You To DO: The Kilroy Initiative

November 16, 2005 at 8:00 am (Daily Dookie, Other Bloggers)

Since we all know we're nearing the Silly Season, the one where dipshits abound, asshats go out of their way to make their presence known, and some fat dude in a red hat asks "What do you want me to do to you for Xmas, little girl?" I've noticed something amiss here in Bloggyland.

I've found that while my Site Meter is logging the same number or more in daily hits, my comments have slowed to a trickle. Granted that my blogging slowed to a trickle too, but this is a lot easier to stay involved with if there's feedback. Other bloggers are seeing it too–seeing fewer comments, more lurking, and less appreciation for the sharing and caring and bitching and whining.

I have found the solution, but it takes a blog-munity to make it work:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Here's the deal:

As you wander from blog to blog, make an effort to let the person who wrote what you're reading know their thoughts have been read. Maybe you just can't think of anything witty, prosaic, smartassed or otherwise noteworthy to say. Before you leave the blog, whether you leave a comment or not, add/write the words "Kilroy Was Here." If you don't want Aunt Emma to know you read that post about how you picked your ass, then your nose, as a child, then leave it anonymously, but do leave it.

I don't want your money. I don't want your link (although if you're inspired, take the graphic above and link it to the trackback on this post). I don't want your undying, everlasting lust (unless you're Honey, Kevin Smith, Steve Bacic, or some select male cast members of "Firefly") much. All I want you to do is type three words before you move on from each blog you visit.

Kilroy Was Here.

Give it a shot–it's free, easy, and it'll be funny as hell seeing where it turns up.
Addendum: I stuck this post to the top for a day. Look under it to check out the next post.

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Of Stitch Markers and More

November 10, 2005 at 6:00 pm (Daily Dookie, Other Bloggers, Soaping and Knitting)

Good evening, Blog Readers!

Yes, for once I feel like writing something. It might not be great–hell, I can tell you right now it will suck major ass–but it's original writing. From me. And if it works I might let YPF out of her Folger's Can and let her bust a move on those old Ask YPF questions.

So, I was sitting here, minding my own business, and Honey walks into the computer room with an envelope, with a Georgia return address. I'll spare you the "Huh? Georgia? Who the frell is that? How the fuck should I know what you did Serra?" ad nauseaum, and just state for the record that my stitch markers came in from Evil Science Chick. She has a pic posted; so do I. My set's the 5-piece job.

I have to say the pics just don't do these justice. Instead of dreaming of them bejeweling the balaclava I'm making for Honey (I'm making the second one, minus the dickey), I had visions of putting French wires on these puppies and wearing them out next time I'm let out of my cage here in New Hudson. They're that fucking good, folks. I've been to art fairs where crappier (by a LONG shot) beadwork was seriously tagged at $20 a pair for earrings similar to these pretty things, the only difference being that ESC's work doesn't look like a retarded child did it.

As I sat upstairs a little while ago, casting on all those itty bitty stitches for the balaclava (for the record, knitting with size 3 circular needles that were FOLDED instead of curled up sucks syphillitic, leprotic goat dongs) I was mulling over the other things that someone with the kind of talent Bunsen put out here and sent me could make…things unusual and different and if I had the talent I would be Photoshopping the piss out of…

Idea #1–Pretty Little Ta-Ta Tassels
Imagine your favorite lap dancer (substitute appropriate person here–I wouldn't want you to stray, even in your perverse fantasies), topless, one of these little puppies…

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

…hanging from each of his/her/their delicately pierced nipples. They dangle, they swing, they catch the light, much as your favorite lap dancer's skin does. They entrance you, distracting you, putting off the moment when for one reason or another you must end the joy displayed before you. Hopefully your Happy Ending will come when you want it, not when some pain in your real-life ass presents itself.

Not a bad idea, I don't think.

Idea #2–Flower of Love Decoration
Imagine being about to tantalize your favorite lover…gentle hands urging a parting as you seek his/her/their center…earplugs firmly in place (since your object is to make s/him scream)…and finding…

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…something that would just make this fantasy fall the fuck (no pun intended) apart for me.

You see, I'm not nuts about metal scraping on my teeth. It's a little like nails on a chalkboard for me, but not as much so as tongue depressors are. I'd also be a tad worried about pulling too hard, or tugging something out of skin not meant to part for it. So, perhaps this isn't the greatest idea, but maybe something smaller with fewer parts to catch on things…

Shall we move on? All right.

Idea #3–Pretty Little Kitty Bauble
I'm not referring to kitties as Brighton uses the term (see above–I covered that)–I mean soft, furry things that become very happy when you stroke them properly.

Yeah, I know, what's the difference? Let me rephrase…

I mean the four-footed founders of fucking indifferent behavior. Like the one over there in the sidebar, who Honey claims is the bane of his existence. Wouldn't something like that just be perfect as a charm to hang from a leather and rhinestone collar? It'd be a little color in amongst the brilliance and glitz.

I can just picture Desi with a collar, equipped with PLKB. She'd be TOO pissed. Honey would have a happy moment in his day, watching her be miserable, but then I'd have to wreck it for him by bitching at him for taking such delight in a dumb aminal's misery. He'd point out that it doesn't bother me to see him miserable, but then I'd indicate that he asked for it the moment he put my engagement ring on my hand…I'd win, of course, but by then Desi would either be braiding her own hanging rope or attempting to make it look like I committed hara-kiri. There's just not enough fun to be had for me to try this out, so if any of you choose to, send video to areyoufuckinnuts@gmail.com

Well, I think I've gotten the ball rolling here. If any of you are talented with Photoshop, email me and show me what you cooked up–I'll post anything sent to me (btw that isn't my real address above; check my profile for the real deal).

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