Read the ad first

May 12, 2006 at 9:21 am (Pop Culture on Parade)

As I was surfing and trying my best to ignore the fact that although the conversations in the house were about me and mostly wondering what I knew or thought or was going to do, no one was actually asking me anything, I found this article:

Tue May 9, 5:13 AM ET BEIJING (Reuters) – A Chinese businessman who bought a Russian fighter jet online wants his money back after finding it could not be shipped to China, state media reported on Tuesday.

Zhang Cheng, a Beijing businessman, bid $24,730 (13,330 pounds) and paid a $2,000 deposit for the former Czech air force plane on Chinese-based eBay, Xinhua news agency said.

The article goes on to say that the seller clearly limited delivery to the US and Canada, and if I remember correctly it'd be highly illegal to send a fighter jet to China due to limits on arms sales, not to mention the high probability of having it shot down during delivery. And this brilliant doofus wanted to display it. At least, that's what everyone is supposed to believe.

I tried to find the original ad but no luck. However, anyone who's used eBay more than once figures out the cardinal rule of playing on eBay: THOU READEST THE AD MOST THOROUGHLY, LEST THOU APPEAR A DIPSHIT. 

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Why not?

May 2, 2006 at 9:01 am (Pop Culture on Parade)

American Idol is in its four or fifth season now (who can remember which, they're all starting to run together now) and something finally dawned on me last night as I watched a commercial for this week's shows.

Each season they bring in several guest artists. This season has featured Queen, Rod Stewart, Andrea Bocelli (and am I the ONLY dumbshit who didn't know he was blind until I watched him awhile?) and Stevie Wonder. Let's see, they're paying assloads of money out for royalties to songwriters PLUS forking over huge bucks for these megastars to appear and do clinics, but they have a prime example of the perfect someone to tell these total unknowns how to be a star no matter how small your talent reserve is.

It's Paula Abdul, folks.

Paula managed to become a star in spite of the fact that she didn't sing perfectly. She was cute and could dance, and she parlayed that into three albums and SIX #1 singles. Yet she just sits there with Randy and Simon (I still want the job of being the one that pisses on his pancakes and ensures the trademark snark every day), getting more loaded as the season progresses, spouting such inanities as "You gave that one your all," and "Oh, Simon, shut up." She doesn't actually WORK, which I think is a big part of why that glass in front of her is highly unlikely to contain bubbly water, unless of course that "bubbly water" was made by monks in the Champagne region of France.

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Stupidity Breeds Stupidity

April 29, 2006 at 11:26 am (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade, Raised by Wolves, Rant Goodness)

The TomKitten is loosed upon the world. Brangelina have bred and are awaiting the results. Fetus Spears has already been the cause of one call to CPS. And now we have news that Fetus Spears V.2 is in production. I could go on with the list of luminaries that are about to spit out babies or have done so recently, but it'll just belabor the point.

The point is, I read daily on blogs and hear all over the media about "stupid people shouldn't breed," or "people should have a license to have babies," or some other supposed remedy for the multitude of annoying fucks who give birth to more stupid, annoying fucks. Last night on Mind of Mencia I heard what should have been occurring to all those who lament that the world is getting dumber. To quote:

Mencia: If you have one D student, who are they gonna breed with? ANOTHER D student! And when one D student breeds with another D student, what do you get?

Audience: DeeDeeDee!

Finally, someone ELSE who totally gets that combating stupidity requires guidance! His suggestion was to require C students to only make babies with A students to increase the chances of producing a child bright enough to pound sand. I think my idea is much better: Having smart people step up and out-produce the stupid people child-wise.

I'm totally serious! Make a smarter world, smart people, one squalling shit factory at a time!

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That High Pitched Whine, Redux

April 12, 2006 at 8:47 am (Pop Culture on Parade)

I don’t usually make a big deal of the fact that I watch American Idol, but this week is the show where the little goofballs screw over sing the music of Queen. Being the good, loyal rock fan that I am, I just can’t let this pass without speaking up. Queen’s an all-time favorite artist of mine and normally I’d love to hear their stuff any way I can get it, but…shaking my head…not like this, guys, not like this. I hate it when people do hideous shit to dead rockers’ songs.

I’ll go in order of appearance, with notes in little semblance of organization since the written notes I’m working from don’t have it either. Most will have a note about song choice because a few of the choices were just not good.

Bucky

Song: Fat Bottomed Girls

First impression: Excellent choice–not vocally demanding and lots of rock-stomping beat.

Opinion overall: Passable performance, but might land him in the bottom three. Good work for him on a rock song but I got a half-assed feeling from the preparation for this one. There was far more he could have done with this to make it his own turbo-country future hit, and he really didn’t put in the work.

Better song choice: Actually this was probably one of the best song choices for him. If I had to pick a different one, it’d be “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.”

Ace

Song: We Will Rock You

First Impression: Huh? With your range, you pick one of the easier songs? Whyfor you not take the chance to really make an impression? Oh, that’s right, he’s an idiot.

Overall Opinion: Surprisingly good! While a better song choice would have really added to Wet Panty Points with his core fans, this version, with the slight rearrangements to showcase his voice more, did work very well for him. I wouldn’t pay to see it, but pretty tho he is, I wouldn’t pay to see Ace do anything because I’m getting bored with pretty with no backup qualities.

Better Song Choice: Bohemian Rhapsody. He’s one of the two guys who had the range to pull this one off, and leaving it for (shudder) one of the girls (see below) was a mistake, both in being good to the music Freddy Mercury left us and to your own need to get a leg up in the competition. “You’re My Best Friend” wouldn’t have sucked either.

Kelly

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody

First Impression: No. Not only no, but HELL no. The first sign of twang on this hard-rock classic will have me threading a circular knitting needle thru my temples in an attempt to make it stop.

Overall Opinion: No. FUCK no. Hear that high-pitched whine? It’s Freddy, spinning in his GRAVE over what you did to his song! Looking like a bad Joan Jett clone didn’t endear you to me either (as I love Joan Jett and you will never have her appeal so give it up). The whole song sounded like shit even taken on its own merits and trying not to compare her version to the original, and I can’t believe the guys from Queen let you do this to their material. If a phone call could have eliminated you, I’d still be dialing. Die, clone bitch, die.

Better Song Choice: “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” could have bent more to your country background and voice. The costume you wore last night, after swapping in some leather pants for the black jeans (which you should have done anyhow) would have fit better with both songs. Oh, and the eye makeup applied via The Fifth Element method? Trowel that shit off–heavy kohl eyeliner doesn’t play on blue eyes.

Chris

Song: Innuendo

First Impression: This could be interesting, since I don’t know the song he picked at all.

Overall Opinion: Put this on your first album. Really. Excellent strategy to pick a song no one knows from the body of work and he owned it, start to finish! He did more than full justice to a song Queen hasn’t ever performed live. I can see why they didn’t–it’s a VERY demanding song, hard to get right, and would have been really taxing to pull out of one’s ass night after night on tour.

Better Song Choice: Bohemian Rhapsody. Chris has the stage presence to really wow the crowd with this one, has the ability to do it justice and the heart to really love the material they way it needs to be for anyone but Freddy to sing it to a mass TV audience.

Katharine

Song: Who Wants to Live Forever

First Impression: Not a good choice to grab the crowd, with all the better songs her range could have let her sing.

Overall Opinion: I was worried about her picking this one. I was right to have worried. The arrangement peaked far too early in the song, leaving the last third of the song overblown and out of tune. I love this song–it usually gives me shivers. This one didn’t because instead of building to the end like it should have, by the end it was too late–with the middle of the arrangement so big, she had nowhere to go but down by the close.

Better Song Choice: “You’re My Best Friend,” “Killer Queen” or “Somebody to Love” especially the latter, would have been ideal choices for her range and clear sweet voice. A well done arrangement on “Somebody” would have really scored her some points as the classiest singer in the Idol lineup.

Elliot

Song: Somebody to Love

First Impression: Bye, Elliot. Phone home so someone picks you up at the airport.

Overall Opinion: I expected him to bite the dust this week, since he’s just not equipped with the charisma or voice to pull off Queen’s body of work. I don’t think I’m wrong after hearing the performance either–“Somebody to Love” is just biting off more than his voice can chew. He completely missed on interpretation, and he was severely out of tune the whole time. He hasn’t got the clarity of voice to make this one palatable.

Better Song Choice: Maybe, “We Are The Champions” or better yet, look hard for something on one of the early albums that rocks but isn’t so difficult to sing. This wasn’t a good week for Elliot no matter how you slice it though, since he just doesn’t have the chops to pull most of the known works off.

Taylor

Song: Crazy Little Thing Called Love

First Impression: Ooooh, this should be good but I won’t be able to watch due to the Joe Cocker Syndrome the boy’s got going on.

Overall Opinion: Yeah, baby! Take me–take me NOW! Too hot! If I didn’t hurt so bad last night I’d have had a major case of happy feet. As it was, chair-dancing got out of hand. Excellent song for a bluesy-style singer and Taylor made the most of it. It gave me hot-cold fever and left me in a cold-cold sweat. I fucking loved this!

Better Song Choice: He’d switched to this song after the clinic with Queen and I really think that was a good move, so good that I’m not suggesting another song.

Paris

Song: The Show Must Go On

First Impression: Huh? Who? There’s another song left? Oh. Hope she can remind me why I should care that she hadn’t performed yet.

Overall Opinion: She didn’t remind me. While she did a passable job, I was distracted by how inappropriate it is for a chunky 16 year old to dress like an S&M queen. No, I’m not one to talk but I’m not on American Idol either. Baby fat hanging over tight leather just isn’t a good look for anyone.

Better Song Choice: Actually she did a good job on the song; perhaps this spot should be “Better Wardrobe Choice” in this case. LOVED the boots tho–excellent choice but thigh-high would have been better and might have distracted from the muffin top over the pants. A top that wasn’t so form-fitting, ditch the straps that accentuated her tummy, move the splash of silver from her hip to her top and draw the eye upward, and perhaps people would remember the song. This might land her in the bottom three just due to the awful outfit distracting from her voice.

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Come out and play?

March 20, 2006 at 6:16 pm (Pop Culture on Parade)

First, welcome to all you BlogMad people!! For anyone who doesn’t know and is a BlogMad member, RIGHT NOW (6:18 EST) BlogMad is doing a double credit day, so hook yourself up with an assload of credits. If you’re not a member, use this link to tell ’em Serra sent your ass over! This is their public Beta launch so now is an excellent time to sign up!

In fact I have a special on soap sacks running over at Scented Business, so hop over there too while you’re at it.

(/end gratuitous plugs for excellent services)

Now, back to what I logged in to post…

I got The Warriors via Netflix last week, but didn’t get a chance to watch it until today. I’m sorry I waited. I can’t remember who said this was such an excellent film that they’d watch it over and over and over and couldn’t wait for the video game and wanted to have Walter Hill’s children, but whoever you are, you were absolutely right. While the ’70’s look dominated the film, the futuristic tones combined with the ancient Greek backstory make for awesome watching while knitting yer brains out.

Something really familiar kept floating thru my mind as my needles kept clicking (I finished an entire washcloth while watching this sucker–it was that riveting and when I watch good action flicks I can knit like a machine). This face really kept rattling my memory, looking for something to latch onto, something to do with The Crow of all movies.

It finally did, with this guy:

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Meet Luther. It took me until nearly the end of the movie to place the face and the voice, but I finally did, here:

Image hosting by Photobucket

That’s T-Bird, leader of a gang of arsonists, all with little pirate nicknames, all dead the moment they touched Eric Draven’s wife-to-be. Turns out I’ve seen that skuz a lot of places–the one I remembered was another Walter Hill movie, 48 Hours. Same face, same character name too–Luther. Sorry I couldn’t find another pic.

The point is, it’s so strange how Kevin Bacon isn’t the only actor one can do a Six Degrees of Separation on–David Patrick Kelly’s another one.

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When Stoners Cook

March 17, 2006 at 9:13 am (Pop Culture on Parade)

“We’ll take the hottie–Cat Cora!”

This declaration begins one of the funniest episodes of Iron Chef America I’ve run into so far. Jon Shook and Vinny Dotolo, aka The Food Dudes, take on Iron Chef Cat Cora in an episode I caught last weekend. (Check FoodTV.com‘s website for other scheduled showings. There’s one tonight if you can tear yourself away from the Smithwick’s.)

Funny as hell, well worth the time, and I don’t give a shit what they look like, I’d hire ’em to cater the wedding–if I could afford them, that is. These guys look like your brother’s sk8tr buddies, or the guys who swiped your weed and then offered to sell it to you, but looks are deceiving in this case. The food looks delightlfully yummy and snobbish enough to please the biggest food snob. It seems the newest star-level caterers and chefs say “dude.” Gotta love that.

I won’t give out any spoilers, but watch the pignolios. Just watch ’em.

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DeeDeeDee

March 13, 2006 at 6:05 pm (Pop Culture on Parade)

Ever wonder what would happen if Carlos Mencia would do a standup show at a hospital for the disabled? He did it once, and talks about it in his new stand-up special, No Strings Attached. I damned near wet myself watching this last night.

I’ll probably damned near wet myself again tonight, since the encore is showing on Comedy Central at 10 Eastern/9 Central. I must definitely see this again tonight.

WHAT?

There’s a Spanish word he uses (apparently it means either “cripple” or “retard”) that I didn’t quite catch and it might be handy to know.

Oh, shut up–if you know me, you know the only complete Spanish phrase I know that isn’t cussing is “Mis chichis estan muy frias.” The rest of my Spanish vocabulary will only serve to get my throat cut in Tijuana.

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Stoned?

March 13, 2006 at 8:26 am (Pop Culture on Parade, WTF)

When I watch TV these days, I often find myself asking, "Who is the stoner who thought THAT up?"

Take, f'rinstance, the new Booger King commercial (name smudged on purpose–don't need BK.com reading here). What, pray tell, were the ad execs who thought their new jingle up SMOKING?

You can bet your buckin' ass the original lyric they pitched to Booger King didn't say, "Biiiig BUCKIN' Chickennnnn…"

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New PBS Pledge Breaks

March 9, 2006 at 11:13 am (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade)

I lucked into a great program last night while paging thru the DirectionalTV program listings. Without stopping to look at which station was carrying “Monty Python’s Personal Best,” I flipped over to watch it. After about 20 minutes of zany madcap slightly filthy British humor, I was RUDELY interrupted by…

You guessed it (maybe from the post title?). A pledge break for the Detroit area PBS station.

Yay, rah.

As I kept watching, praying for the interminable pledge breaks, complete with stupid blonde who can’t pronounce Gilliam and stupider balding man who can’t get a Python quote correct to save his eternal soul, something occurred to me.

While watching the list of Pythonesque goodies I could get if only I would donate $500, it occurred to me that I’d give $50 right then if only those two dipshits would shut the FUCK up! That’s when the idea I should sell to PBS hit me.

They’re doing this all backwards.

No matter how insipid, stupid, ignorant or just plain bland the hosts of the pledge breaks are and no matter how fervently I would wish for them to be struck dead with a seizure of tasteless facial expressions, I do eventually know that they will soon shut up and let me get back to the Dead Parrot Sketch. That is where PBS is screwing up.

Here’s the new plan: PBS should BEGIN the program section that is advertised for pledge-breaking annoyance with the HOSTS, not the funny and good PROGRAM they’re trying to raise money to carry. You see, if this segment BEGAN with, “Hi! We’re your gag-inducing hosts, Suzy Creamcheese and Guy Dilhole. You’re stuck with us until you send us enough money to put Monty Python’s Flying Circus in this time slot. We’re going to stay here, annoying the living piss right out of all of you, until you all call in and pledge enough money to fund this program,” they’d have those on-the-fence (and on-the-dole) viewers so sick of them within 10 minutes that they’d have every cent it costs to show Monty Python on PBS.

I can imagine how it would go (sliding sock puppets onto hands while trying to convince the cat that they’re not her new claw toys):

Suzy Creamcheese: Hi, I’m Suzy Creamcheese, and welcome to PBS’ pledge drive.
Guy Dilhole: I’m Guy Dilhole and Suzy and I are going to keep you company until we’ve raised enough pledge money to actually show you Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
SC: We used to show parts of the actual program during these drives, but you freeloaders were just here for the high-brow programs and wouldn’t cough up enough dough to let us show our station logo, let alone a full series of obscure British humor.
GD: That’s right, Suzy, we’re going to act like we’ve actually seen this excellent program but show that we actually don’t know Michael Poulin’s ass from a hole in the wall.

Offstage director shouts, “That’s Michael PALIN”

GD: Sure, it’s Palin, Mr. Director, but since we have to motivate Viewers Like You to give us money, we’re going to mispronounce and misquote our way through this script until we hit our goal.

OD: Oh, yeah, I’d forgot about Operation Irritation

SC: You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached.
GD: And now, so that you’re completely aware of what you’re missing, Suzy and I are going to totally screw over the best sketch comedy available today, the “Dead Budgie Store”

OD: Dead PARROT SKETCH, you useless loony.

GD flips off the OD and begins…

I’m mercifully drawing the curtain here, since the ensuing massacre would be both NSFW and rated X by the Motion Picture Association of America and would have PETSP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Sock Puppets) all up in my grill. Personally I would not be able to keep myself from poking a pin deep into Pamela Anderson’s fake tits (which would get me beaten up by Tommy Lee), so I’d best avoid them if at all possible.

See how much more effective that would be? Wouldn’t YOU dive for the phone, just to stop these two shitbricks from ruining all memories of sneaking into the TV room for a dose of “The Ministry of Silly Walks?” Even though I actually know where this station’s studios are, know they’re not far from where I live, and know that a 12 gauge shotgun would certainly make that bitch quit saying “Jillun*,” I also know it wouldn’t be well-recieved to have an incident of this sort broadcast. The FCC would probably double the fines given to CBS the time Janet Jackson showed her nipple to the world.

I’m not mentioning the jail time I’d get. Making that male host from last night get “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” correct would be totally worth it.

*Don’t get all “Oh no she di-unt!” on me. Oh, yeah, she went there, and went there badly.

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Huh?

March 6, 2006 at 11:29 am (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade, WTF)

Pamela Anderson Objects to Breeding for Large Breasteses

Oh, quit it, you know you had to go look.

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Watch This Face

February 22, 2006 at 10:35 pm (Pop Culture on Parade)

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I know what I want for Christmas.

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And Now, For Something Completely Different

February 2, 2006 at 8:25 pm (Other Bloggers, Pop Culture on Parade)

This week's renter is completely different than the blogs I usually choose, which is a major reason I've picked Scooter's blog from the pile of rent bids this week. Normally I like writers who stick to either their current lives, their past lives (in whatever sense you need that to be), or other types of funny stuff. Scooter writes Scooter's 9th Green, a look at pop culture thru the eyes of a young guy from Ohio.

This isn't a gossip blog–far from it. It's more an examination of what he sees and what relevance (if any) it has. He's a big fan of a more modern type of music than I am (another reason he's here–y'all know I'm just an old dinosaur) and even though I recognize few of his picks, he's interesting and if I stick with reading him, perhaps I'll find a second album recorded after 1990 to add to the CD collection.

Go here or click the thumbnail under my pussy on the sidebar to go check out Scooter's 9th Green.

oh, and…

FREEBIRDDDDDD!

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You’re not fooling anyone

January 20, 2006 at 2:00 pm (Pop Culture on Parade, Raised by Wolves, Rant Goodness, WTF)

Hat tip to Towleroad for this one

Tom Cruise is whining again, folks, like that should be a fucking surprise to anyone who's had his jumping on couches and strange relationship press field days shoved down their throats. I just thank Dog for Netflix–anytime some dumbass makes the mistake of thinking this dillhole's life is worth reporting on I have something else to watch. The difference this time is that the reason Slapnuts is in the news reeks of censorship.

It seems that the Scientology poster assface doesn't like an episode of South Park. I'm sure you all know which one he doesn't like. Well, in the US, if a public figure doesn't like being made fun of, that's just tough shit. According to the laws, celebrities don't get to object when they're made fun of because it's a side effect of making all that Undogly money that they make. Good for all us cranky, snarky bloggers, isn't it? Unfortunately, it may not work the same way in the UK. It seems Mr. Cruise is threatening to sue if the episode airs again, and reportedly Paramount has agreed.

Aw, hell, Paramount–suck it up. If one looks at the literal content of the episode, Tom Cruise is literally in (Stan's) closet and all his friends are just begging him to come out. It's an (animated) representation of (a badly drawn) Tom Cruise in a (pretend) closet in a (non-existent) house in a (made-up) little white bread mountain town.

In other words, "What's the big fuckin' deal, bitch?"

If it's the overall implication that he's actually gay but not telling anyone that bothers him, that's just tough shit. After all, if two marriages, two children, innumerable relationships and a massive pile sprinkling of talk concerning Tom Cruise having relationships with men and the assload of video and still pictures tiny little small snippets of images that really aren't him at all supposedly in gay-looking positions don't convince the world that Tom Cruise is not gay, how will one more lawsuit manage it all by itself?

After all, most legal opinion is that while Tom can certainly try to sue, most of the approaches his legal team can take to a lawsuit miss an important link somewhere along the line. While he can be mad all he wants about the episode, it's clear that its intent is satirical, not defamatory. He would also need to prove any harm to his reputation or his career by either picturing him unwilling to get his sorry ass out of a little boy's closet or by the scene's use as a euphemism for a man hiding his homosexuality. Seems to me it'd be pretty difficult to prove that one little cartoon trashed his career, in the face of all he's done to destroy his credibility as an action star all on his own.

In short, I was never crazy about the little whiner, and I've become less crazy about him because his behavior in the past year has not been that of a stable individual. Normal people do not jump up and down on Oprah's couch, moon repeatedly over a woman they've only dated a month, get into bitchfights with NBC interviewers based on little more than being asked to back up a line of bullshit Tom came up with in the first place, nor do they go buy fucking home ultrasound machines when their girlfriends are pregnant.

Tom Cruise did these things, not anyone he may choose to sue for piss-taking him on a stupid (but hilarious) cartoon show. If he doesn't want people making fun of him, he should quit making it so fucking easy to do so.

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The 2005 Darwin Awards

January 11, 2006 at 7:44 pm (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade, WTF)

My favorite time of year is here–the list of the four most ridiculous accidental deaths have been released here at the Darwin Awards website. As the website says, “We salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it. Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously.”

This year’s recipients are:

1. The newest recipient of the “Most Likely to be Shot by His Own Troops” Award goes to a Second Lieutenant in Switzerland who thought a surprise lesson in hand-to-hand combat was totally the best thing to do immediately after a live fire exercise. The Looie was shot by one of his own soldiers as he sprung a suprise knife attack on the guy. Gee, good thing he’d trained the guy so well in how to turn the safety off on his weapon in case of sudden attack, now isn’t it? We could also call this award the “Don’t Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight” Award. Awarded posthumously, as all the best Darwin Awards are, since the single shot ended the officer’s life.

2. This winner truly earned his Darwin Award as well as the “Tim the Tool Taylor” Award for Home Maintenance Errors. Seems an enterprising soul in Croatia decided to make his own chimney-sweeping tool. He had nearly everything when he realized that his broom was far too short to tackle the job. Once he’d pondered, he figured that if he attached a chain with a weight welded to it to the broom, he could handle the job with no problems. As happened on “Tool Time,” though, the job blew up in his face as he welded a fucking grenade to a chain for the apparatus. I don’t think so, Marko.

3. In the Jon-Erik Hexum category, a Vietnamese man decided that a rusty old detonator couldn’t hurt anyone. In fact, he was so certain of this fact that he had his buddies hook the two wires dangling from the explosive to a 220V outlet. As Emeril would say, “BAM!” and this dumbass met his Maker on the way to the hospital for treatment of injuries resulting from a blast that blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth.

4. Finally, we have one of the rare deaths caused by a Lava Lamp. A 24-year-old man in Washington, for reasons unknown (since there were no witnesses, no drugs or alcohol involved and no way of knowing what was going on in his mind), put a Lava Lamp on a stove and turned the stove on. Police found him dead with a shard of glass thru his heart and absolutely no explanation of why he tried heating the lamp over an open flame.

I don’t see any 2005 Honorable Mentions, but the 2004 ones involve a pair of fishermen who can’t tell the difference between the hole for the gas tank and the one for the rod holders and a group of soldiers too damned dumb to find out if that white powder is poisonous before using it. [Turns out they’d powdered their noses (inside and out) with Thallium.]

As wonderful as I think it is that past and current honorees have seen fit to excuse themselves from adding to the population of the planet, I could still argue a case for arranging such accidents for those who stubbornly refuse to fuck off and die. True, it would do no good since it’s not likely to be legal any time soon, but it would amuse me and let me practice my debating skills.

A girl can dream, can’t she?

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AOHell adds blog ads–deluded users surprised

November 27, 2005 at 9:33 am (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade)

from Fark

This article addresses the shock and dismay of people who have been shelling out their hard-earned sheckels to Internet Service Provider AOL at finding ads on their blogs. It seems these deluded individuals still think Uncle Hell is in business to toss their salads every time they log in, and finding ads on their blogs doesn't make them happy.

These folks sure want a lot of the wrong things for their $23.90 a month, don't they? They don't want a lot of advertising on their blogs or their other services, but they're perfectly willing to put up with the most invasive required downloads in the industry, the most restrictive access offered anywhere, massive censorship, more cookies than the Keebler hollow tree, the most difficult customer service, and the online environment least conducive to doing anything outside AOHell's realm.

What these users don't realize is that AOHell's not doing so well. They've suffered a decline in gross revenue, mostly due to offering Netscape internet access at over $10.00 less than it actually costs them to provide same.

From an article at ISP Planet:

Costs were $235 per subscriber per year or $19.62 per subscriber month. Revenues were $258 per subscriber per year or $21.52 per subscriber per month.

Even though AOL will probably eke out net profits of $740 million, that's only $22.85 per subscriber per year.

Any rise in costs or decline in revenues would hurt. Although there is no foreseen rise in costs, there is an obvious cause of declining revenues: AOL's $9.95 per month Netscape service.

Just looking at the finances, it's obvious that AOL cannot sell its cheap service the way it sells AOL because it cannot accrue costs of $19.62 per subscriber for a service that it's selling for $9.95. The company will have to use the cheaper marketing tactics that small ISPs know so well, such as radio and newspaper ads and local events.

I don't know anyone who runs a business who's willing to stick their tongue up ANY customer's ass for $22.85 a year. After all, that's a lot of tongue-shaving, even for the whores who run AOHell. That profit-per-customer figure includes their advertising revenue, so it's obvious that those little rimjobbers are far, FAR too busy licking the bungholes of their almighty advertisers to care whether or not their bread-and-butter customers object to big screaming ads flashing at the top of their blogs.

The solution here is the same as it would be for anyone dissatisfied with a given company's policies/service/prices/tonguefucking–go elsewhere, shut up and deal, or wait for the bypass hack to come out.

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Two things: Jack and S*it

November 26, 2005 at 12:25 pm (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade)

When I see or hear this:

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It makes me think of this:

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Sunday Stoopids

November 20, 2005 at 9:36 am (Pop Culture on Parade, WTF)

Looking for love online? Guys, make sure you find out where the wench works, and make sure that hot woman winking at you isn't a shill! Apparently there's some people suing over some farked-up shizz done by two major online dating sites.

from Fark

NEW YORK (Reuters) – It's not easy finding love in cyberspace, and now some frustrated online daters say they were victims of fraud by two top Internet matchmaking services and have taken their complaints to court.

Match.com, a unit of IAC/Interactive Corp. (Research), is accused in a federal lawsuit of goading members into renewing their subscriptions through bogus romantic e-mails sent out by company employees. In some instances, the suit contends, people on the Match payroll even went on sham dates with subscribers as a marketing ploy.

"This is a grossly fraudulent practice that Match.com is engaged in," said H. Scott Leviant, a lawyer at Los Angeles law firm Arias, Ozzello & Gignac LLP, which brought the suit.

Match "promotes the policies of integrity to protect members, and yet they themselves, we allege, are misleading their entire customer base," he said.

The company said it does not comment on pending litigation. But Match spokeswoman Kristin Kelly said the company "absolutely does not" employ people to go on dates with subscribers or to send members misleading e-mails professing romantic interest. The company has about 15 million members worldwide and 250 employees, she said.

In a separate suit, Yahoo Inc.'s (Research) personals service is accused of posting profiles of fictitious potential dating partners on its Web site to make it look as though many more singles subscribe to the service than actually do.

The Match lawsuit was filed earlier this month in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles by plaintiff Matthew Evans, who contends he went out with a woman he met through the site who turned out to be nothing more than "date bait" working for the company.

The relationship went nowhere, according to his suit. Evans says Match set up the date for him because it wanted to keep him from pulling the plug on his subscription and was hoping he'd tell other potential members about the attractive woman he met through the service, according to Leviant.

Leviant said his client found out about the alleged scam after the woman he dated confessed she was employed by Match. The lawsuit also claims the company violated the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization Act, a law best known for being used in prosecuting organized crime.

The most telling statement for me in the article is the protestations of Match's spokeswoman. I met Honey thru Match, and I do remember quite clearly (and so does he) receiving emails from the minute we cancelled and for awhile afterward, claiming that someone was interested in us and if we'd only resubscribe, we could find out who and possibly find the people of our dreams. We took it as the utter bullshit it was, of course, but I remember thinking it was a pretty shitty thing to do for the sake of the Almighty Dollar.

Guess I'm not alone.

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Birdie Porn

September 3, 2005 at 3:38 pm (Funny Shit, Pop Culture on Parade)

From ABC News Online

Bird Buddies hope to turn on little terns

Little tern birds arriving in northern New South Wales from overseas this year will be greeted by a subtle message from local bird fanciers.

Plaster models of the little tern will be a feature on Byron Bay's Belongil Beach this month, to encourage the real birds to breed.

The little tern breeding season begins in the next few weeks.

The birds have not bred at Belongil for 12 years.

Sarah Harris, from Belongil Bird Buddies, is hoping the painted models will do the job.

"Yes, it gives them a sense that it's okay and it's safe… they've been used at other sites and they've been quite successful, so we're hoping they'll work for us to," she said.

Ternie you ignorant slut!

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Why There’s No Katrina Rant Here

September 2, 2005 at 7:41 pm (Pop Culture on Parade)

I never thought it was possible to say this, but I have too much in my head. Too much destruction. Too much devastation. Too much disgust with the way our Government is handling the damage from Katrina, the fact that they were completely aware of the likelihood of a devastating tragedy in New Orleans, the fact that our President sat on his stoopid fat ass while babies died of dehydration in the Superdome. The whole. fucking. thing.

I've considered more personally open posts on the subject, especially as I read the tons of wonderful writing I'm seeing on all your blogs. There's two reasons I haven't joined the throng. Above is reason number one: There's just so much shit about the whole thing that pisses me off. I wouldn't know where to start blogging anything I'm feeling right now.

Reason number two has also come up on blogs: Everyone's getting numb from seeing all the gory details available on the disaster in New Orleans. Not numb as in "Who gives a fuck?" but numb as in "I've been watching devastation and floating dead bodies for six days–I can't do it anymore." I got overloaded early–I take the doses I can handle, bit by bit, that I find here online. I'm purposely not watching the mainstream television news–this is so fucking awful that sensationalized versions just make matters worse.

So–in the interest of "And now for something completely different" I'm going to say a few things once and let those better able to write say what I feel, because I'm not alone here.

1. Katrina's a foul, larcenous, lying, cruel whore.

2. Our national government not only contributed to the severity of the damage by pulling ACE funding during the Iraq war, they've further contributed to the devastation by sitting on their joint and several hands in getting aid to those who need it. They should be beaten severely about the head and shoulders for doing so.

3. I've mostly heard from the folks I know in LA, with two exceptions–a chat buddy in Lake Charles (Lynn–if you're out there, FUCKING ICQ ME BITCH!) and Cajun Soaper (location uncertain). I pray for both these folks and would love to hear from them if they're reading.

4. I don't have a lot, but what I can spare is going–I have a soaper bud in Minden, LA, who is able to take "things" (versus the "money" contributions that while also needed, are in short supply to a woman on disability) to refugee shelters in her immediate area. I'm digging out the crap piles of soap I have here and packing a box.

5. Anyone who ever does the MyPoints.com thing–you can make Red Cross donations with as little as 500 points thru the website. I donated every point I have on hand, a considerable pile that I normally only touch at Christmas.

If I continue, this will turn into the post that I don't want it to. Instead I'm going looking for the nuttiest shit I can find and will blog with/about/on that this weekend, in an effort to provide somewhere to look when there's the inevitable need for a mental break.

Stay tuned, folks.

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Didn’t See This Coming

July 18, 2005 at 11:21 am (Pop Culture on Parade)

Normally, I reserve news commentary for Sundays, but I just couldn't pass this up. Found the link thru Pink Is The New Blog–thanks Trent!

Sandra Bullock weds mechanicSOLVANG, Calif. (AP) – Actress Sandra Bullock married mechanic and TV personality Jesse James at a ranch near Santa Barbara, according to reports.

Bullock, 40, and James, 35, exchanged vows Saturday in front of several hundred guests at the Folded Hills Ranch in Santa Ynez Valley's wine country.

Guests included actor William Shatner, actresses Jamie Lee Curtis and Regina King, and Metallica lead singer James Hetfield, according to Entertainment Tonight and Us Weekly magazine.

Many in Hollywood have been surprised at the pairing of the tattooed "bad boy" James and the on-screen good girl Bullock. They met in 2003.

It's the first marriage for Miss Congeniality star Bullock, who had been engaged to actor Tate Donovan. She recently played the wife of a district attorney in the film Crash.

James, who has had two previous marriages and three children, appears on the Discovery Channel's Monster Garage.

Now, here's what I don't get, aside from all the questions about how these two worlds ever collided. I do not get how anyone can refer to a man with a multi-million dollar premier business building one-of-a-kind motorcycles as a "mechanic."

That's got to be the single largest understatement coming out of Hollywood this year! Jesse James does some of the most unique work in motorcycle fabrication. He's been featured in every major bike magazine. Monster Garage is not anywhere near being the only TV show he's ever been on–he has a touring schedule that makes me tired just hearing it! The publicity on the marriage makes it sound like Bullock's slumming and marrying some greasemonkey who worked on her expensive-assed car, when that couldn't be further from the truth.

Congratulations to both of them! May they live happily ever after.

And Hollywood Media? Suck my ass, get off your dead rear ends, and do your research before daring to report!

***Be sure to go check that link out–there's some sick-looking shit there! I mean that in the "Oh shit he BUILT that!" way.

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