How Many Dogs
I haven’t seen this one as a forward before, so thanks to Penny and her adorable-lookin’ Great Pyrenees pups for the fun.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?”
* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?
* Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
* Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
* Rottweiler: Make me.
* Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
* Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
* Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
* Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
* Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
* Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
* Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark……
* Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
* Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this headache…..
* Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…
* Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
* Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle….
* Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
* German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,”STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!”
* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
* Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
Did I stutter?
I'm still wondering what drug that ER doc I just saw is on.
I tell this fool everything he wants to know. He asks his questions, including "What works to stop your migraines?" I could have sworn I answered in English–it's the only language I know well enough to answer him in. While I do speak just enough Spanish to piss off native speakers of the language, I don't use it much. So I know I told this waste of a doctorate that what he kept wanting to give me wouldn't work. I'm finally voted down, mostly because he's in charge and I'm just the shithead who pays the bill. I'm medicated and sent home.
I am still in pain and still seeing silly patterns, lights, and of course barfing my brains out. I may have stuttered, so this just might be my fault. According to him, it probably is. We'll find out when I go verbally kick his ass here in a bit.
More in Sorrow
It seems that I have a troll; a troll of my very own. Better than that–a soapmaking troll.
I know who it is. She doesn't think I do, but I do. You see, she's not very smart and has left her fingerprints all over the nasty comments she left.
To the folks this doesn't apply to: Sorry for the post–the move is going very slowly and I'm hoping to be done in a day or two. It's taking the toll I expected on my body but I did expect that. I hope to be making you giggle again soon.
IAN–Thanks so much for the comments! You and Joe are keeping my spirits up and I really appreciate it.
To the troll:
1. Get your own name. I'll explain this v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y so you don't get confused again. Serra is my name and my friends can indeed tell us apart.
2. You know your name.
3. So do I.
4. I'm betting harassing people is against your server's terms of service. Think on it.
Blogging Holiday
Due to the move, I’m not going to be able to blog for a bit. We’re out of here Thursday, I’m nowhere near packed and I don’t know when we’ll be hooked up again online.
Hugs to all and see you soon,
Silly Scented Serra
It’s Mostly Up!
Well, most of my soaping stuff is up on eBay now–the link is here, so click away and give it all a good home.
Holy Crap I’m FULL!
I had a nice night out tonight–after all the aggravation this week, I suggested to Honey that if he used any Curling expression ONE MORE TIME he was taking my ass out for Chinese.
Silly man thought I was joking. We went to Gourmet Garden in Brighton for supper.
I was highly impressed–beautiful place! Nice decor, very elegantly set table, highly attentive staff! We ordered things we weren’t sure would serve well on takeout packing–Sizzling Seafood Stuffyerface and Gourmet Hot Pot Stuffyerface. I did have the one drink a year I have and Honey had a rare beer too. Ain’t we just a par-tay couple?
Near the end of the meal, I explained to the waitress that we normally ordered delivery, but since we’re moving we wanted to eat in once because we love their food. She and I chatted a bit, with her making sure we knew to come back (like I EVER forget a good Chinese restaurant) if we get a chance. A few minutes later, she came back and told us that our drinks were on the house and be sure to stop in if we got a chance after the move.
We will. Honey’s sure to bring up more Canadian Gay Porn references. The season’s not over yet.
Censorship Blows
For those who don't have any clue what Public Access TV is, it's basically the channel on your cable system that runs all the government meetings and really odd, badly-produced shit you see between runs of the TV listings. What it really is (your own chance at putting nearly anything you want on TV) is long enough for a series on this blog. The point is, it's where I truly learned the value of expressing oneself, one's right to do so, and just how many people detest the fact that the right exists at all.
It's come to my attention that I know someone in the last category. I recently posted an advertisement to a discussion list, one where many people also advertise. I seldom post my ads there, and thanks to the list management's reaction I won't be doing so again. I was asked to remove the link to this blog from the email I sent before the ad would be "approved." That link is part of an attachment that goes on EVERY email I send–there's no underhanded shit going on, it simply is there for those who want it. Those who don't want to read it don't have to come here.
My reaction? Tina, the list's owner, can kiss my royal, white, Goddess-proportioned, sweetly-scented, pampered, American, soapmaking, blogging, First-Amendment exercising ASS! I don't censor JACK SHIT, FOR Jack or anyone else on this great giddy globe.
It's her list, and she can do anything she pleases with it. She can even screw me out of the ability to post the same sorts of ads to her list that everyone else does. That is her choice, just as it is her choice to be an neo-Nazi, ass-kissing, boot-licking sycophant. I do not have to like it. I certainly will not keep quiet about it. Most of all, I won't be supporting it with my money by ordering from her ever again or by recommending others buy anything from her either.
If I wanted to whore myself out in any way, Eight Mile is not far from my Greater Detroit Metro area home. I'll gladly provide directions to anyone who wants to be an honest prostitute rather than suck a demented prevaricatrix's ass for the sake of money.
—————————-
ADDENDUM: As expected, I've been terminated from the list in question. I have also been terminated with extreme prejudice (color me sooooo surprised) from another, supposedly impartial supplier evaluation list. In addition, I've been threatened with legal action for libel and/or slander. Whatever.
Oh, my Jeebus!
Note: Post edited
This is another message for my least favorite soapmaker–I wouldn't bother wasting the bandwidth but emailing her gets me nowhere because she blocks mail from anyone who doesn't kiss her ugly, prevaricating, sociopathic SKANK ass. That shit in the pot is SOAP–use some of what you claim to make!
You sociopath, if you could only remember your lies, you'd look much less ignorant than you do. You've even put them all on one website and you STILL can't keep them straight! Since my first letter to you, which I know you've read, you've only dug your own grave. If only you realized that you're just getting all the evidence on the charges that have been filed against you in one place, you'd quit wasting time making "allegations" on a website and spend the time packing to move to some locale without US extradition. Here's an even better idea–GO BACK TO CUBA! Other Cuban immigrants who have committed crimes have been repatriated. I can't think of a better place for you to be.
There's no sense in telling me you don't read this blog. Remember the IP's I used to PROVE you pretended to be someone named Berry when you hijacked a major Internet gateway's discussion list? I know your Internet fingerprints, you sociopathic retard–you're watching for more headlines about yourself here, just like you do everywhere else, such as (redacted website name)
As for (redacted website name) , you wouldn't know the truth if it walked up to you, whacked you upside your hypercephalic head, introduced itself and invited you out for a Coke with crushed ice, a craft show and a nice breast massage! The only TRUTH on that website is that it shows how you're violating your ISP and your webhost's Terms of Service by using their bandwidth and server space to commit harassment and stalking! The most glaring proof that you're packed to the eyeballs with your own excremental mental processes is that there is NO WAY TO CONTACT YOU ON THAT WEBSITE! You chickenshit lying prostitute, if you really wanted anything positive to come from that website you'd have a way for people to write to you, one you wouldn't block addresses on!
Speaking of stalking, how about the proof you put on your OWN website that you've harassed an elderly, terminally ill couple with lies about one of their family members who had the unfortunate luck of dealing with you? Once she chose not to take your Bible-thumping, hypocritical bullshit any longer, you went thru the phone books for their area and called the first name matching the one you knew so that you could whine about how badly YOU were treated? You're a bottom-feeding FREAK who is going to have charges filed against you for that piece of work.
Lastly, about that "peace" you offered. I don't blame the people you've slandered on that website ONE BIT for not kowtowing to your insatiable need for attention. What, your local police aren't giving you enough? It may not be all the attention you're going to get, but when you wind up taking Martha Stewart's place you're not going to be any fucking happier. First you claim that the women you've attempted to smear made no attempt to make peace with you–THEN you claim they offered to meet you in a CHATROOM (an offer that was never made!) and you TURNED IT DOWN? Make up your MIND, you insanity-ridden, pathetic excuse for a webmaster! There's no reason for those women not to tell their side of the story when you've already been ordered to REMOVE your website because of the crimes you've COMMITTED on it! Those people, who did NOTHING to you, are supposed to remove FOUR websites that commit NO crimes for you to remove ONE where you do? I think that's more of your egocentric, psalm-quoting, megalomanical, sociopathic, Internet-addicted BULLSHIT!
The soaping community is highly sick of your narcissistic drama, you incredibly deluded lying whore! People on that list you hijacked have told you so. You responded by removing their right to speak on a list you have NO right to own! You STOLE it–now you shut up all opposition. You may control one tiny little email list, but you do not control the five women you're defaming the characters of, you don't control your local police department, you CERTAINLY can't control your family, and if you think for one minute that your pathetic attempt to ruin my reputation worked you're sadly mistaken! You can't control me either. Anyone researching you on the Internet search engines finds this blog–Whiplash Smile is the #1 hit on Google for your name and isn't far behind on the other search engines out there either.
Good luck shutting me up–you're going to need it!
Ignorant Slut Update
No, this isn’t another LN rant, although I’m very overdue and she’s really dug her own grave this time…but I’ll get to that once I have two minutes to rub together. This is an update on Fox 2 Detroit’s showing American Idol contestant Mikaylah Gordon alone on stage BEFORE the announcement that she was leaving the show.
First, the email I wrote:
03/24/05 10:22PM
email: serrathescented@gmail.com
name: SSS
zip: ~edited for privacy~
comment: Are you aware that the promo you showed two commercial breaks before the American Idol winner was announced SHOWED this week’s departing ontestant, Mikaylah Gordon, singing alone onstage while wearing the outfit she had on tonight? That’s got to be the biggest screw-up you’ve come up with yet. Showing the departing AI contestant, DURING the airing of the show (a supposedly LIVE one), in what was obviously her last AI appearance?
I sure would love to hear from you about this.
In the interest of fairness and knowing that this blog’s high on Google’s hit list for the name “Mikaylah Gordon,” I’m posting the reply I received from Fox 2 Detroit’s webmaster:
From: contactwjbk
To: serrathescented@gmail.com
Date: Apr 1, 2005 6:45 PM
Subject: Re: Comments for General Commentshi deb…
the american idol results show is done live………..we actually are
finding out the results at the exact same time as you……. rest
assured, we do NOT know the results ahead of time….thanks for watching Fox 2….
Thanks for your interest in FOX 2!
FOX 2 Webmaster
A girl’s really got to wonder, but that’s the official word I got on the matter.
Tales From The Back Door: Boyfriends
Bartending was fun most of the time. I got to party with the customers, play Mad Scientist whipping up new drinks, and made enough in wages to pay my bar tab and enough in tips to pay expenses during the week. During the time I worked at The Back Door (now known as Scooters and under new management), though, my boyfriend was confused about appropriate behavior. I nearly had to draw the guy a picture: If he threw a punch at all in a bar fight in that bar, his ass was out the door right behind anyone else throwing punches. It didn’t matter who swung first or that either might have a good reason for starting a brawl–policy was that ANYONE throwing punches was OUT. I was in favor of that–fights just fuck over a good night for everyone, especially for someone who is trying to make a living in the battle zone. He finally got the message–he could come visit me at work, but if he couldn’t play nice then I’d be the first one asking him to find a door.
I got to work about half an hour early on the night I’m about to describe. The bar was already packed, but E-Cup poured me a Coke and told me to take it easy a little longer–didn’t bother me, I wasn’t working my other job that day so a little social time suited me fine. I found the only empty bar stool was next to this 6’3″ dipshit I’d been seeing around for years. Most of the time he was lisping some sort of insipid bullshit, so I wasn’t motivated to get to know him at all. He must have started drinking early–he was in bitch mode even before the DJ started playing. After listening to snide comments about fat chicks, bitches, bartenders and other ignorance, I finally got my cue to go to work. Of course, Bitchface just had to open his mouth about that too. I looked at him and said, “Get it out of your system now bitch–once I’m on the other side of the bar I have the right to refuse service to nasty little gutter whores” Pleased with myself, I sauntered off to work.
Just as I ducked under the swinging door to start work, Fifi, my boyfriend, walked in from the parking lot thru the back door. That’s where the “main” entrance was–our back door was off the municipal parking lot, while the front door was on a side street with no parking,.hence the bar’s name. As I set my tip jar out, I heard, “Where the hell’s my Heineken Dark?” Yeah, Fifi in da HIZZOUZE. Whee. I think the only reason he came in at all was because we were the only bar in downtown Eau Claire that served it. It’s not likely he just had a major jones for watching drunks blow me shit. That was too bad–looked like he was going to get a healthy dose of exactly that.
I got his Heineken, cooed over the $5 tip he left me, grinned at the scowl on Bitchface’s pinched-looking mug (yep, Fifi took the only open barstool–the one I’d just gotten off), blew Fifi a kiss and set to work. We were packed already–that meant we were either going to have a very good night, or a very annoying night. Considering the shit started even before I touched a beer bottle, I was betting on number two. Once I started, the owner quit for the night and headed home. As soon as the owner’s back was turned, I heard the bar fridge open and a big bottle clink against the shelf. I loved E-Cup in some ways–that woman knew how Dr. McGillicuddy’s was served–ice fucking cold and on the house, once every half hour as needed for dildo-brain tolerance.
As I breezed by the middle of the bar with a double armload of beer bottles and both hands full of shots, I heard the weirdest thing I’d ever heard said by a male voice in that bar, before that moment or in the many years since:
“The aroma of a woman arouses me.”
The phrase itself, and variations thereof, were not uncommon at all. The Back Door welcomed the rainbow of alternative lifestyle advocates and the friends who loved them. Eau Claire was simply too small a town to support a bar dedicated to only one gender, lifestyle, or subset of the gay community. The same bar whose ladies’ softball team played Tuesday nights hosted the Packer game on Sundays and Monday nights during the season, and once a month set up the stage for the area’s best female and male impersonators. The weird part was the “male voice” thing. Straights did frequent The Back Door for one reason or another, but nearly none of them were male.
I looked for Fifi–sure as shit, that was his voice…and that’s his face right there, licking his lips and leering at me. I was about to get displeased, but I knew there had to be a good reason for the proclamation. I finished the serve I was working on, took the money from the customers and headed for the cash register, ears perked for more of what the hell he’s up to.
All I heard was a big GAGGGGG! I made change and turned casually, just in time to catch Bitchface looking like someone had shoved that nasty mug into a nice juicy pussy. Fifi’s voice continued, “Women just taste SO much better than men do, don’t you agree? And I adore listening to them…” More gagging, and I nearly cheered as I watched Bitchface turn away from the bar, muttering about finding “better people to sit by.” Apparently he didn’t find any–he set his drink down on the pool table and nearly wound up wearing it as the man trying to line up his shot grabbed it and cocked it back to throw it after him. I took the change to my customer, unable to stop giggling. She took her change and left a $10 on the bar for me. “Your boyfriend couldn’t have found a better way to get Bitchface to quit hitting on him. Buy him a shot and you have one too.” She turned and headed back to her friends near the dance floor.
Yep, I’d missed it, but got the story after bar when Fifi and I caught some breakfast at Perkins. Apparently as soon as my cute (at the time) nice (when it suited him or he wanted nookie) boyfriend sat down in my vacated seat, Bitchface nudged him and said, “Watch out for that bartender–she’s a real bitch!” Naturally Fifi still wanted sexual congress with my ass in spite of the extra padding on it, so he told Bitchface that he was my boyfriend. Of course that prompted Bitchface into the best way he could think of to piss me off–get my Fifi in the sack.
Fifi remembered the talk we’d had about bar fights. He specifically remembered that having a man hit on him in that particular bar was NOT a GOOD reason to throw down, especially if I was in the position of having to bounce his ass out The Back Door. I was proud of him–he even remembered that slugging some juvenile-minded moronic bitch-man was not acceptable, no matter what the provocation might be, up to and including said bitch-man NOT taking “I’m not interested” for an answer.
Apparently the snatches of conversation I’d overheard were prompted by sheer luck and Bitchface’s question, “What’s she got that I haven’t got, cutie pie?” Bitchface wanted to know exactly why Fifi wouldn’t let him make hot monkey passion in the nearest semi-private locale–so Fifi told him. In earnest, honest, exquisite, graphic detail. With hand gestures, licking of lips, leers at my ample ass, and specific details on why some men really enjoy sex with women. Even after all these years and all the garbage Fifi’s put me thru, I still have to hand it to him. He couldn’t have come up with a better way to defuse a guy with a grudge and too much ego.
Incense Supplies Buy Extras Sale
Hi everyone,
Now that the incense supplies buy is all shipped, I can offer up the extras for sale. No one’s responsible for the buy but lil’ ole SSS-bitch. Please send all comments and orders to serrathescented@gmail.com
If you missed out on the buy, you can still get some of the items I had available. Quantities are limited and will be sold first paid, first served.
Available:
11″ plain incense sticks $2.00/100 sticks
11″ charcoal incense sticks $2.50/100 sticks
Light Bulb Diffuser Rings 75 cents each or take all 12 remaining for $8
5″ Onion-shaped brass cone and stick burner $4.00 (only one is available)
Kits for those who want to try making their own incense are now available too–50 sticks, your favorite SerrasSecretSurplus scent mixed with DPG, and full instructions for $5.25. Email for large range of scents available!
Thanks,
SSS
Incense Supplies Buy: COMPLETE
Boy, it felt good to type that title!
Here’s a reprint of the post I made to the various Yahoogroups that let me advertise the buy on their discussion lists, posted 11:30 pm Thursday night:
As of half an hour ago, this buy is 100% packed and everything that
has not shipped is shipping tomorrow!!Everyone should have received delivery confirmation numbers in their
email. If you did not, holler at me offlist and I will look yours up.Please email me when you get your package–I’d just feel better once I
know everyone got their goodies.I’d like to thank each and every one of you for your support and
understanding during the delay in shipping.Due to my shutting down (at least for awhile) I have some extra
supplies that I will post a sale on tomorrow afternoon or evening, so
if you know anyone who didn’t get in but wants some incense sticks,
I’ll have prices ready soon.Thanks and hugs to all,
Silly Scented Serra
Whiplash Smile 